How do church?

So, Ive been thinking that communal worship might be a thing that I'd like to do. Community is good and important and being around people is good for me even if it eats spoons like crazy. But i want to not do interpersonal drama and power plays and being judged all the time, and it seems like thats a big part of every worship group Ive been to, jewish christian or pagan. So how do???

What do you look for in a church to join? How do you avoid judgy drama bullshit? What makes going to church worthwhile to you?

 

For me one of the biggest factors is "Do people there speak English". That is like the bare basic step one. I want to learn Thai and I am making efforts but as of now I do not speak Thai or any Asian language for that matter. Then came the teachers and the lay people that went there. These people are the reason I stayed with Wat Suddhavasa. They're just exceptionally lovely people to be around and while I might not agree with everyone all the time the point is I like those people and I have developed a sort of familial connection to them. It honestly just kind of. Happened. As do all my relationships.

For me the community aspect of things is important, and in particular being part of what keeps the place functioning. I have a dumb little shirt and I help out during holidays and celebrations, and I try to go on a weekly basis to meditation class. I go to be part of a thing. It makes me feel very useful and also meaningful in my existence, as well as connected with a religious community. While I understand why people dislike organized religion for me there is a great deal of comfort to be found within it. Also these places make it far easier to study and learn because in addition to monks and more experienced lay people from whom I learn how to properly religion I can also receive a number of books to read to continue my learning in private at no cost.

Avoiding judgey drama bullshit has been largely a part of learning customs. I've learned greetings and so on and while I don't understand everything I have learned many things and continue to. Things like how to properly sit for example. Namely that I either must sit with my legs folded under me in a position quite like seiza or I sit with them folded to one side. Sitting any other way is disrespectful and pointing my feet at people or statues of the Buddha in particular is a social faux pas. There's also a sort of maintaining face and avoidance of conflict that helps avoid the judgey drama bullshit. So certain things just don't get discussed, which I guess sounds horrible. Especially since it is "Fall into the norms."

But then I am something of a follower. While I might be a fucking weirdo who exists off in her own little weird world I am at heart someone who likes to avoid conflict and also fall into some sort of group.

 

Let me know when you find out, haha.

I basically just follow my parents to whatever church they to. Our theology is similar enough that if they don't find anything objectionable enough to quit going, then neither do I. But also ... I don't care that much about the theology, unless it influences the worship style in a way that weirds me out. (I don't like most charismatic-leaning churches for this reason - the very emotional, open kind of worship I usually see there makes me very uncomfortable.)

Church for me is ... more a family thing? As far as I can tell, I don't get anything but spoon-drain out of attending services or other church events. But it's nice to go and worship together with my family. Also, I guess it's a way for me to connect with God? I'm not spiritual or emotional, so I need something solid-ish to give me what other people get from a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ". Going to church gives me that. And so far I've avoided any kind of drama by, uh, avoiding the other congregants, which is maybe not the best policy if you're looking for a church home.

Anyway. Advice for looking for a church: try lots of different kinds. Find a worship style that you're comfortable with and theology that doesn't conflict too much with your own - no point in going to church if you're going to spend every service with your hackles raised. Figure out what size congregation is comfortable for you, and if you'll be able to fit in with the other families. If you find one you like but there's something about it that you don't like, consider carefully whether it's something that might be important enough for you to pass on everything else because of it. (My family spent eight years in a church that had problems that my parents thought would be fine short-term, and it's really done a number on us.)

 

When I was still churching, the things I looked for, or would look for now:

- Go to several for a service or two. See how you like them, whether you feel at home, etc.

- Work out your comfort levels on structure of service, and look for things that match that; my first church had completely unstructured services and I hated that, so when I went to a different church I found one that had extremely structured services and liturgy-books and I knew exactly what was happening at all times.

- Work out what you want in terms of involvement. In my first church, there was a feeling that ~hierarchies were bad~ and ~everyone should be involved equally~ or what the fuck ever, which leads to unofficial impermeable hierarchies and no real way to Get Involved, if that's what you want to do. My second church had lots of ways to Get Involved - choir, parish council, etc - but that also leads to more explicit hierarchies and politics, so that depends on what you prefer.

- Work out your general comfort levels with Explicit Religion Talk and Explicit Religion Performance. My first church expected everyone to be talking about how godly they were all the time, and how much they were in tune with the Spirit and bursting into xenoglossia and so on. My second had this tacit understanding that we all had some sort of religious beliefs and didn't need to talk about them, and would mostly exhibit academic curiosity rather than Fervent Religious Performance. The first kind also may have much more active out-of-church church activities, like Bible study groups, etc, whereas the second may tend more towards Parish Bingo Night.

- Absolutely find a church that matches your theology pretty closely; feeling like you disagree with everything but can't voice it (or voice it and constantly argue) is never fun.

- If it's important to you (it was for me) find a church with a worship style that matches yours, whether it's the right music, an expectation of dancing or not dancing, whatever. I hate evangelical-charismatic music with a passion, so music was super important to me in finding another church.

 

Hm. All the churches I've been part of have either been (a) through family or (b) a workplace. I know a lot of ordinands and clergy through work, though, and these are the kinds of questions that a lot of them would be happy to answer wrt their own church (and if they're not happy to answer them, or generally unfriendly, that's useful information too.) I think the clergy are usually a good barometer for the congregation, too. If you feel judged by the priest, you'll probably find it a judgy community.

Most of the churches I know have coffee socials after Sunday service, and congregation members are often keen to talk about their church.

(At this point I realise that this doesn't really answer your questions. Well, maybe the one about drama & community.)

Although I'm willing to attend any church once if the work is interesting and paid, there are a couple on my list that I'll refuse to work for, and won't return to (both because of homily content. Transphobia? Check. Antisemitism? Check.) I just follow my instincts on that one. If I think the priest is causing harm, I've got nothing to offer that church, and it has nothing for me.

(This is a long word-barf, sorry.)

I'll also look out for charity works and church spending. This...is a weird hot-button for me, and somewhat hypocritical considering my job, but. A church that donates money and performs good works in the community is Doing It Right. I passed the church I attended as a child a few days ago. Looking at their shiny new porch extension and thinking about how they've stopped organising weekly free lunches for homeless and vulnerable people in the community...I dunno, I was listening out for the coins clinking in the temple.