So hey! I came here to get some advice on a problem that's been bugging me lately. Well, more than bugging I guess? I tend to be alright for a couple weeks and then I have a bad night and it all comes bubbling over. Fun! If I've omitted any important info, or if this is an incoherent mess and I can't tell because it's 4am, please let me know! There's a lot of establishing info here, hold on with me. So I currently live in an apartment with 4 other people. All of us are at least friends. Two of them, I'll call them Egg and Crab, are girlfriends, and Fox and Deer are in a QPP thing. I'm aromantic and basically ace, so I've never had a real interest in relationships and the like, but I've certainly had strong feelings for people before (being in a relationship with someone sounds like it'd be the emotional equivalent of stepping on a lego, tbh). Crab and Deer are siblings, and Fox and Egg have known each other since high school. I met Fox and Egg my first year of college, and while Egg dropped out last year Fox and I are still taking classes (we're on our third year now). Fox had known Crab and Deer online for a little while, but they all met in person (including Egg) at a con last summer, and this is sorta where all the relationships stemmed from. Fox and I have been living together in some capacity basically since January, and we're fantastic roommates and get along great. Fox is sort of...touchy I guess? She's very cuddly, and always casually lays on people, holds their hands, plays with hair, etc. She would do that a lot with me when it was just both of us, and I don't mind it and often reciprocate. I have a hard time figuring out social boundaries like that so I'm usually pretty keen on personal space, but I know Fox really well and know she likes it, so whatever. She also probably knows more about me than even my parents. She's super important to me, is what I'm saying. Like I said, I've known Egg since beginning college and we're really good friends. Not much else here? I like her 10/10 would befriend again. Now, I didn't meet Deer and Crab until this summer, when we all met up a convention. We've had plans of all moving in together since the end of last year, and we talked online a decent amount before that, but I wouldn't say we're super super close. I get along with both of them well enough, and I generally enjoy their company. Okay, now to my problem: Fox, Crab, and Egg finally moved into Fox and I's apartment a month ago, and it was exciting! Deer and Crab had gotten out of an abusive home situation they'd been living in, and Egg had been wanting to move back with us for a while. At first, the relationship thing didn't bother me too much and I really tried to not let it. They'd all been in long-distance with their respective parter for like a year and it was a Big Deal to finally be living together. And I was genuinely happy for them! I still am. Especially Deer and Crab, their previous home situation was abusive, controlling, and all sorts of fucked up, so having them here is a relief. But holy hell, has it started to get to me. Egg and Crab are girlfriends, and they, well...act like a couple. Kissing and cuddling, all that. And they have a right to act like that! But I also have misophonia and the sounds of them kissing makes me want to rip off all my skin! I have some tolerance for it, but it takes up a hell of a lot of spoons some days and it gets much worse when I'm stressed or anxious. I'd feel like an ass if I told them to stop kissing in front of me since we spend quite a lot of the day in each other's company, and I wouldn't want to restrict them in their own home, y'know? I think Egg would understand, but still...telling people about my misophonia and especially telling them to stop making a specific sound they literally can't help but make? It makes me feel like an ass. And then, there's Fox and Deer. Fox and Deer are both aroace, but they're in a QPP and I swear to god they can't keep their hands off of each other. Not in like, an overtly couple-y way, but they are cuddling and hugging and just touching in some way almost 24/7. That is kinda Fox's MO, so I expected it, but it has drastically cut down on the cuddle time I get with Fox and I miss it. She'll still hug me and hold hands with me, but full-on cuddling just doesn't happen anymore. Being around all 4 of them sometimes makes me so sad I have to leave the living room. They'll just be sitting with their respective partners and I'll have that sudden moment of self-awareness that I'm utterly alone on the other end of the couch. It like...actually hurts sometimes, suddenly feeling so alone and useless like that. My anxiety-addled brain won't stop telling me that I'm completely unnecessary and if I left they wouldn't even miss me since they have their partners. I was watching youtube videos with Fox and Deer a couple weeks ago and had to leave because they were tangled up in each other and chatting and I just felt like an invader or something. Which like, okay. Logical brain knows that a) they all like me and enjoy having me around. They've said this several times. b) it is unfair of me to be so bothered by the fact they are in relationships and that they constantly show it in their own home. c) I don't know Deer and Crab as well as Fox and Egg know them, so of course they're going to be more open and friendly with them than with me. d) I'm a grown-ass adult that balances a checkbook and this is stupid. My own solutions to the problem seem equally all impossible or would just cause more problems. Talking about my ~deep emotions~ face-to-face makes me feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack, even thought Fox is one of my closest friends. I think Fox knows somethings up, I've had panic attacks and bad anxiety days with her several times before, and she knows what it looks like. But like me she's incredibly awkward with emotional conversations (yes even with Deer) and hasn't brought it up except asking if I'm okay. I made a frustrated tweet about it a few weeks ago and I'm 99% sure they all saw it since Egg mentioned to "stop treating Dog like a fifth wheel all the time" the day after I tweeted almost exactly that, so whoops. Its public and they all know my twitter and that I'm fairly active on it (none of them are so I mostly use it to keep in touch with online friends and friends back from my hometown), so I'm not surprised or anything. TL;DR: I'm living with a romantic couple and a QPP couple and I am Alone and I can't deal with being a fifth wheel in my own apartment 24/7, help. this got rambly and long, whoops. I feel like I forgot a couple important points, so if I think of something I'll update the thread.
Oh geez, looking at this again after getting some sleep and I feel like a whiny teenager. It's sorta part of my problem, I feel like these emotions are entirely selfish, and I really don't want to bother any of them with it. It's not their problem! But also something causing me so much emotional distress I can't be around them is worth examining, I think :/ Bleh, I'll keep using this as a reality-check kinda thing. Should be helpful
You are not a whiny teenager. These are perfectly valid feelings. Your feelings matter, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You won't be doing anyone any favours by trying to ignore and pushing down your feelings. In my experience that never goes down well. I think it's time for a conversation with your friends. Say something like this: "I am really happy that we've all been able to live together so well. I'm especially happy that you guys have been able to live with your significant others. That said, lately I have been feeling a bit like a fifth wheel. I miss spending time with Egg and Fox alone like we used to. I would really appreciate it if I could spend some time with them one-on-one, is there some way we can make that happen?" Or something like that anyway. Sometimes the best thing you can do is use your words.
@Emma thanks! i think i need people telling me my emotions are valid a few times before i can get it into my thick skull, haha and I really, really do want to talk about it, I might try next week? it's Fox's birthday tomorrow and there's family here, doesn't seem like a good time. I just have no idea how to approach this. Talk to Fox one-on-one since im closest to her? talk to all of them about it at once? just talk to Fox and Deer since they're the ones that make me sad the most? bleh, confrontation :/ I still can't get over this feeling like im being...maybe not selfish, but unreasonable? I can't force Fox to want to have cuddle times or anything like that, and I wouldn't want to.
went out to the movies with everyone for Fox's birthday, and it was legit a lot of fun! but i sat between both couples and had Moments of Sad when all they did was talk to each other and just...be closer to them and leave me with two voids on either side of me Fuck, maybe i'm just lonely or something. but i'm also aromantic as fuck and being in any kind of romantic relationship makes me wanna scream :////
Just to be clear, you know they were being hella rude, right? You're not supposed to only take to your romanticfriend when you go to the movies with four other people. I think that's all the more reason for you to talk to your friends about this. It's fine they are having a great time living together, but they should really remember they're not the only people in the universe.
So, my buddy Dee, who is also my barber, and I were having a similar conversation about this at one of my haircuts. He was saying how out of place he feels a lot of the time, like if everybody else is the fingers, he's the thumb. And I said, "But without the thumb, humans wouldn't be drawing, sculpting, writing, or building space stations." And he was quiet for a moment, and said, "Okay, maybe it's more like I'm a fifth wheel," and I said, "Every car has a fifth wheel, it's how you steer." I have no idea if reframing your situation like this might help you at all, but apparently it was helpful for him.
hmm, thank you for that! it's definitely worth trying to reframe the situation, since i don't see it getting much better unless i Use My Words and that's incredibly difficult for me to do :/ i was talking to my moirail about it last night, and i've accepted that i'm justified in feeling left out/annoyed, so i've...taken the first step i guess. and further developments since it's been a week: Crab noticed i had been acting weird and said she and Egg were always open to talk, and i think Egg would be the most understanding tbh. she's very good like that. so, need to talk to them soon. being around Deer has made me think they're, uh...possessive? of Fox. and so i am very hesitant to talk to them especially, and they've also been somewhat icy toward me? like not going along with my jokes n stuff and getting offended on Fox's behalf if i playfully insult them (Fox has lived with me literally all year, and known me for two. she knows i do that as a sorta term of endearment and she doesn't need someone to "defend" her). do they like me?? do i annoy them?? who knows i know this is a little whiny but i rly need to get it out somewhere other than talking to my moirail :// bleh
@Chiomi we actually go on "friend dates" a fair amount! i have class with Fox and spend half a day or so with her, and Egg and I run a lot of errands and just go out together a lot. i guess those technically aren't friend dates tho :U i've reached the point where i'm less sad, more salty/angry about this. i'd take it over being sad lol, but i also don't want to get fed up and explode at them. i'll probably talk to other college friends about it tomorrow i need to let off steam somewhere or something, and preferably not at the ones causing the problem
