So, I work in the library at my college. Near the beginning of this school year, another student worker was hired, and his shift and my shift overlap by an hour, so working with him is unavoidable for the next several months. The problem is that he makes me uncomfortable. I can’t even articulate why, other than that he was incredibly friendly right off the bat, far more so than anyone else I’ve ever met, and I really don't warm up to people easily, especially when they start asking me a lot of (probably innocuous) personal questions when we've just met. He is also frequently in my personal space. Some of it is unavoidable - the list of tasks we’re all assigned is on the front desk, and when I’m on front desk he has to stand kind of behind me in order to read the list. He’s been doing stuff like touching my shoulder when he’s trying to get my attention (which is completely unnecessary when I’m a foot away and headphone-less), or putting one hand on the back of my chair when he’s reading the list. Sometimes he just stands within about a foot of me and watches what I’m doing when he's bored. I really hate physical contact and people being in my personal space, especially when they’re someone I only just met. It’s only been a week and I already dread the hour when he goes on shift. None of this is "a big deal" or substantial enough that I would feel comfortable mentioning it to my supervisor, at least not without actually setting boundaries first. He could be a really nice person who doesn't realize he's making me uncomfortable. The problem is that I have no idea how to do that? I am terrible at boundaries because I’m always afraid I’ll hurt someone’s feelings or that people will think I’m oversensitive/overreacting. Are boundaries like “please don’t touch me or stand close to me unless it’s absolutely necessary” even reasonable? How the heck do you set boundaries, anyway?
I think it's reasonable to just state that you need personal space, and to request that he respect that and not touch you/stand so close to you. I think if you do it in a direct/non-confrontational/non-emotional way, that'll get the message across without making people think that you're overreacting. (And even if they do think that, you're not. You're making a reasonable request.) I completely understand not wanting to hurt people's feelings, but he's doing something that makes you very uncomfortable in a space that you deserve to be comfortable in. It's definitely okay to mention this and ask him to respect your boundaries, especially if you do it in a calm and non-accusatory way. Your feelings matter too!
Thank you! It’s reassuring hearing something outside of the echo chamber in my head. I always either blow it out of proportion or downplay it when I try to think about it rationally. I successfully did a boundary! Sort of. At very least I managed to say “please don’t touch me” when he touched my shoulder again (for real, why would you touch my shoulder when you’re talking to me, what even is the point of that), instead of freezing up again. He might think I’m kinda weird now, judging by the tone of his voice when he said okay, but I really don’t care anymore. I did follow it up with, “sorry, I really hate being touched.” I still feel terrible, like I’m imposing by setting any boundaries. So far, reminding myself that I have a right to set boundaries is working a little bit. I probably could have been a bit less reactionary, but oh well. (Why are interpersonal relationships so freaking hard.)
