Trigger warning: I don't really know how to put this, but if the title is freaking you out (like, making you worry about your own friendships), then probably don't read on? Last year I made befriended someone and then realised that it was kind of a mistake. I didn't enjoy spending time with him (but he wanted to spend time with me), we don't really have common interests (but he wanted me to share his special interest), and overall our friendship was draining and one-sided (and it still is). Now, he keeps messaging me to talk about the shitty stuff happening in his life. The stuff in question is very sad - think "beloved childhood pets dying" - and I feel really bad for him, but there isn't really anything I can do to help. Nothing I say seems to comfort him. Ultimately, these messages are pushing me into performing a lot of emotional labour for someone who I wasn't even planning to keep in touch with after I moved. Several of the friends whose opinions I've sought out have come down on the side of "you should end this friendship for your own sake", because it just causes me distress and doesn't provide anything positive in return. How would I actually do that, though? How can I stop talking to him without being a dick about it? Should I explain it to him, or would that be more hurtful? Should I try to do it gradually? Why or why not? P.S. This is not about anyone on Kintsugi. If it was, I wouldn't be posting it to Kintsugi.
It's going to suck for him no matter what, I think the best way is to be clear about what's going on. Something like - "I hate to say this, but our relationship isn't really working for me, I think we should go our separate ways, we just aren't very compatible.". Brutal but clear, you get a clean break without messiness and uncertainty. More polite but messier: Don't do give him your emotional labor. Stick to short answers, be cordial but more distant and be less available to talk to, say that you are busy or make other excuses why you can't hold hand. This is more dishonest but it eases the two of you out of a relationship without the messy stabbing of outright rejection. The dick move: completely stop talking to him with no explanation.
Aaaand right as I came into this thread to respond, I get a panicked message saying that his cat has cancer. Brilliant. *throws up hands* (I mean, that's really sad! Like incredibly sad! Poor cat! Poor him! I feel bad about it! But I still don't want the responsibility of being his confidant!)
Oh god, you poor thing :c I won't go into it, but basically I have been on both sides of this type of relationship. There are really only two healthy outcomes here: he grows the fuck up and stops treating you like a therapist, or you cut contact. And the only way either of those is gonna happen (unless he has an epiphany, which, unlikely) is if you say something to him. Right now, I guess, offer your condolences and try to avoid getting in a big pity party, and wait for an opportune moment.
