How to explain to parents why I won't be comfortable in my room after they change everything

So, I'm going off to college in 3 weeks. My mom has made it very clear that as soon as I do, she's going to rip up the carpet, move everything out, rearrange everything, and repaint the walls. Which, for one thing, means that I have to decide what, out of 17 years' worth of stuff, what I am going to take with me to college and what I am going to risk being thrown out. And for another, my parents seem to be under the impression that I should be 100% fine with them doing that to my room, and that I should be completely OK with sleeping in my room afterwards. I am under the impression that that'd be hard for a brainweirdless person, but I'm autistic (not that Mom believes that, never mind that an actual liscenced psychological person agreed with me on that) and have always always always been caused incredible stress by people rearranging stuff when they know it distresses me (I can about deal with it if it was an accident or if they had no way of knowing. Mom has neither of those excuses.) But they both seem under the impression that if I just Work Hard At It I will be entirely fine with it.

Oh, and inasfar as I can tell there is no reason why, once I do come back from college, I can't sleep in the guest room or the basement over my former room, other than something nebulous about confronting your issues. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can talk to them about this?

 

Your parents sound like they're being dicks? As far as i can tell the only real reason not to want you sleeping in the guest room is that it points out that you're uncomfortable with what theyve decided to do to your room. if you can be this honest with them it miiiight work to ask whether they'd rather you were actually comfortable or just perform comfort so they dont have to feel bad. But it sounds def like the latter in which case pointing it out is likely to cause trouble. :/

What a shitty sitch! Wish i could be more helpful.

 

Thoughts (may not necessarily be practical depending on circumstances): Get boxes - from supermarkets or shoeshops or wherever, and start putting precious stuff in them and putting boxes in a safe place - (basement?). Accept the inevitable repaint and try and talk to parents about colour schemes so that you have some influence. Try NOT to get irritated by their intractability. Check with college about accommodation during non-term time (I don't know what you call that). Talk to your favourite uncle/aunt/friends mum about it all and see if you can get them on side. Maybe they'll be able to moderate your parents desires. Don't forget that you may meet people at college that you get on so well with that they'll invite you to stay with them for the hols. I know the world is different now to what it was when I was young but I left home at 16 and going back for visits was always weird. I stopped doing it by the time I was 20. The world out there is just waiting for you to join in.

 

Sounds like they're going for some awkward attempt at exposure therapy. Do the thing you're uncomfortable with so many times that you'll build an emotional callus and you no longer feel the discomfort... or at least, enough that you stop expressing it to them, which is practically the same thing right??? (sarcasm)

 

@a tiny mushroom (sorry dear, I know you're busy) has this problem too; pinging her to see if she has any advice.

Also if this is an attempt at exposure therapy (which it kinda sounds like), it might help to show them how exposure therapy actually works - by doing things slowly and bit by bit, not suddenly thrusting you into a situation you're uncomfortable with and expecting you to magically be fine with it. I just googled "does exposure therapy work" and the consensus seems to be "it can, but not in everyone, should probably be done by a trained professional and has to be done in increments".

 

Hm, thanks. I'm going to try and talk to my dad first, and since Mom is leaving for a few days with my sister for Horse Things I should have time and stuff!

 

@(Not) Literally A Bird Well, I was asleep when you posted this, so I guess I was pretty busy =P

Yeah, awhile ago Bird came over and helped me clean a corner of my atrociously messy room, and at first it was okay but I ended up going mostly non-verbal and just sitting on my bed stimming and I was like, "Wtf???" because I was literally just sitting there while Bird showed me things and asked, "Keep or throw?" so why did I suddenly feel so tired and overwhelemed? I figured out it was because a part of my room that had been the same for ages was suddenly different and my brain was freaking out.

The same thing also happened when I went to Bird's house right before his family moved and all the decorations in his room were gone, including the shelves on one of his walls, and I just kinda had to curl up and not say anything for awhile because it was really distressing.

Uh anyway my point is that I understand why that is distressing for you! Some things I think could help:

• Get them to only make one change between your visits. E.g. rip up the carpets but put all your furniture back, then after you leave from visiting they can paint the walls, etc.
• If you can't convince them not to change it, get them to send you photos of your renovated room. That way, before you come back to visit, you will know what your room looks like and it may be less stressful for you if you can prepare yourself for it beforehand.
• I also second trying to get an input in what they change! Like choosing the wall colour, and if they are putting in a new carpet, the kind of carpet, etc. If you can before you leave for college, putting stuff that you can't take with you but you don't want to be thrown out into boxes and putting them somewhere they can be stored is also a good idea.

Uh yeah. That is what I can think of. I hope that helps!