Ok! So I moved to a new city, which is cool. New job starting next month, which is also cool. Super stressful unsupport-system-y highly regulated job is Over, which is Great, because I didn't realize how much it was fucking me up till I was out. (quote from dad-in-head "_____, you're going to work in jobs you don't like, keep your head down and don't say too much stuff about this job so you can get money") And, yeah, good stress is still stress, so i went from shit job + interest on loans piling up ---> new place + new job + living near my sister who i haven't lived near in like 14 years + interest on loans piling up + finding apt + having enough money that i can do apt but also not starve again because i have the common sense of a 5 year old bibliophile, and will absolutely spend money on books and shirts that don't make me look like i have tits before spending money on food So that makes sense but the anxiety has ramped way the hell up, which is infinitely not helping with the things that i have to do. the closest i could get to going outside today was sitting by the balcony screen door because at least i was getting vitamin d a little i still haven't taken the bus, which I'm going to have to soon, because my shoes gave me blisters the other day walking downtown, but i'm actually kind of terrified of somehow fucking up, and either ending up in like, manitoba, or pissing off the bus driver the only time i've left the apt in the past week without sister telling me to has been to get groceries, and that was only because i needed gatorade & managed to get food i could think about eating too i dunno. there's not even anything bad out there. i just look at the door and i can't, unless someone's literally texting me, because i'd rather be freaked out instead of telling people that i'm going to flake out on plans again because i used to do that all the time the other night i was catastrophizing about not being able to find an apt ever, and my brain managed to turn it into "this is a very important and rational thing to be thinking about because always plan for worst case scenarios!", so i ended up bothering my sister and she had to talk me down, and she's already giving me a place to stay! and she already had to tag team with my brother back when i was freaking out about airplane tickets, because there's too much crazy here for just One sibling to handle. i don't get it, i feel like everyone's giving me a free ride on shit and i! don't! do! anything! to! deserve! it! i'm just someone who tries to show up and then gives up entirely this is totally not what she expected, she probably just wanted to hang out with her kid sis and instead she gets this crazy genderless thing who has to get cajoled into making plans like "lunch and maybe check out the library" i'm really sick of being crazy, and i hate hating myself so much, and i hate how i keep saying this stuff and people go "we couldn't hate you!" well that is One thing i am way better at i don't really want to post this, i feel like the responses are going to be "have you considered therapy" and i have i just don't have money to spare and i don't want to meet a new person and talk to them about my feelings but i'm gonna post it anyway because fuck it. i dunno. maybe you have bus advice or something in line by line format.
Have a "Cannot therapy, Stop fucking asking" fistbunp. Bus advice. The People! is a lot less bad if you´re sitting down, and if windowseat you can look out window. Also, look up your route before going and not only will you be less lost, you can follow along to soothe asshat brain. ETA: HEADPHONES!!!! Absolutely vital for busing. Also something to look at like your phone or a book. Or a book on your phone.
first of all, hugs. lots of them. 's a hella new situation and of course a weasly brain will take that and run with it. at least it could run all across the city and look for apartments while it's at it. from my own experience... sometimes, finding an apartment is plain dumb luck. in my case it was bc someone was looking for a new tenant on the offered/sought board at the department store. before that, i combed the newspapers (and the looking-for-roomies billboard at university). as for buses... or generally public transit, for that matter: write down which line you need to take in which direction, and what stop you need to get off at, maybe with a rough time estimate so you can tell the weasels to chill when they start scurrying that you mightve missed the stop when it's another 10 minutes away. dunno how the city youre in deals with bus fares, here, while you can buy your ticket from the driver, there's plenty of ticket machines and you can keep some unstamped tickets at hand for whenever you need them. (or outright opt for a month/semester/year pass). as you get used to your route, it should get better.
re: bussing i have a card that i can swipe, i put money on it and it alerts me when it gets below like $10. the busses around here need you to have exact change because the drivers dont have the time or ability to give you change. but with the swipey card i don't have to worry about if i have exact change on me! i recomend this if it is possible. it makes things much less stressful imo. also i go online to figure out the route, and then i write it down on paper or my phone so i don't get lost. i sit near a door if possible, so it's easy to slip out without hassle. the busses here have an electronic banner on the inside indicating what stop is next and stuff, so i make sure i can see those. falling asleep on public transport usually means either missing my stop or waking up in a panic because i might have missed my stop so um, yeah. sleeping on a bus is generally not a great idea. but! busses go in circles, so, even if i miss my stop i know if i stay on the bus it will eventually loop back around and i will be able to get home. and bus drivers in my exp. are just working very hard and want peace and quiet. so i smile at them and say thanks when i get on and off and i think it's worked so far? i havent made one mad at me yet, even the time i was taking forever to put coins into the thingy. the only time ive seen a bus driver get mad is when a passenger was harassing (was yelling random obscenities) other people. knowing quirks of the public transport system takes time but is very helpful! if you know folks in the area that can give you tips that is good. like for ex, around here busses are always late, or early, or off scheduale completely. so i show up ungodly early for whatever bus i need, and that way i am usually still on time to whatever i need to get to. it's a hassle, but yeah. headphones and phone/book and keeping myself in one seat (i.e. not spreading my legs wildly or reclining) have served me well when it comes to People. people ignore me when it looks like i am minding my own business.
thanks guys the funny thing here is that I've got an orca card for the busses, and I even have an app for if the busses are running late sometimes brain weasels are just brain weasels though, which is super annoying
