So, one of my online friends has a vent blog that I found while clicking around their other blogs. It's publicly viewable, and the introduction to the blog says they don't mind the possibility of people reading it. I feel a little garbagey about reading it without their knowledge regardless, but that's not the point of this post. A while ago, they made a post on the vent blog and part of it was about me (mentioning me by name)—specifically, about how they feel I'm unreceptive to their overtures of friendship and how they wish it was easier to befriend me. I freaked out pretty hard, mostly because I had been trying to curb my enthusiasm at having such a cool friend for fear that they'd be annoyed by me. Since then, following the advice of another friend, I've been trying to do stuff like message them first and respond to them with more enthusiasm. I'm still not entirely sure what to do about this situation but that's still not really the point of this post. The problem is that since then, I've been trying to stop reading the vent blog, because I know I have an anxiety issue re "do people think badly of me? do my friends actually like me? what if I'm actually the friend nobody likes? what if I'm an awful person and don't know it?" And I don't think reading the vent blog in search of any post that might be about me is good for that. So I removed it from the "frequently visited" section on my phone's browser and tried removing it from my history too. But that anxiety issue is making me really, well, anxious, and I keep thinking "the vent blog is a good place to find out what that friend thinks of me! the vent blog is how I can check myself! I need to check it!" And I've been manually typing in the URL and checking it even though I think I should stop. I have an appointment with my therapist on the 17th. Is there anything specific I can bring up in that session that might help with this? In the meantime, is there anything I can do that might help me calm the hell down about this issue, or technical solutions to the problem? (I kind of doubt it, since I'm using a phone and not a desktop, but iPhone 4S, Safari browser?) I don't know, I don't even know if this is enough of an issue to need help and I don't know if I'm being clear or not. I don't really know how to ask for help.
Witnessed, and sympathies extended D: I don't actually have a solution - it took me several months to stop checking my ex's blog daily, and then even longer to stop checking in every once in a while. The urge still arises occasionally. I can't say what healed it other than time, but that was in a situation where the two of us had cut contact and she had eventually abandoned her blog, so it really isn't the same at all. :I - I just wanted to say that if it's causing you trouble or distress (which it clearly is), then it's enough of an issue to ask for help with. (also, hey, kudos on recognising that it is an issue. i made so many excuses for myself, it was honestly embarrassing.) It sounds like blocking the page somehow would be the best bet for an immediate solution, but I've no idea of how to do that with an iPhone D: I don't know how close you are with this friend, so I can't tell how viable this is as advice, but - is talking to them about it a possibility? Either just to make them aware that you know what the blog is (...then again, that might cause them undue distress, if they are also an anxious sort of person) or maybe even to ask if they could consider changing the url so you wouldn't be able to view the blog anymore...? (then again, all of the above only deals with the surface level of the problem without actually addressing why you feel the need to check their blog. as mentioned above; can't help you with that part, have yet to figure it out myself. definitely worth talking to your therapist about, though.) ....sorry for not having any helpful advice. I hope someone else on the forum is better equipped to help you!
Thank you for your perspective nonetheless c: I felt I was pretty close with this friend, but now I'm wondering if my friendship closeness sense (??) is all screwed up, because... apparently they'd wanted to be better friends with me, and I wasn't giving the right signals. When I talked to my other friend (the one who gave advice about the situation), they did suggest that I directly address the vent blog, but they said they didn't know if there was a good way to do so. I'm holding off on that because vent blog friend is going through a stressful time right now, and I don't want to dump A Talk About Our Friendship on them on top of everything else. I haven't visited the vent blog since I made this thread, so at least there's that. I want to right now, but I'm going to read more Kintsugi stuff instead.
Well, yes. Just bring it up exactly as you've told it here. (If you think you'll get brushed off because it's an online friendship, simply omit the online part and mention it's the blog of a friend.) As for visiting the vent blog. Well, it says they are fine with people reading it, so I would personally take that to mean what it says?? If you are concerned though, just ask them if they mind if you read it. If it bothers them, they can tell you, and you will have an additional mental reason not to do it. "Must not look or friend will be unhappy emotions >:|" And on talking to friend in general: I used to have regular issues with communicating in similar ways with one of my friends, and it took YEARS for us to realize that what worked, in our situation, was for me to be stupidly literal. Just, oh my gosh, stupidly literal and direct. It sounds silly, because people tend not to explain themselves so much as it involves, but it made things clear. Ex: "I'm really paranoid you don't actually like me and are only saying you do so that I don't feel bad because I have so few friends and this is just a very big ploy." Or "you haven't answered messages in several days so I'm worried you got kidnapped, although I know that is statistically unlikely, but it's what my brain came up with so if you could respond with just one word or something so I know you're alive and you can explain later what's going on I'd appreciate it". Those examples specifically probably aren't relevant to you, but. Say what your thought is, why you are having it, and (if applicable) how you would like them to respond/why you are telling them this particular thought. If that makes sense in a way you can work for your situation.
Thank you, I'll try that! I might even pull up my post on my phone so I can quote from it, since I'm better at writing than speaking when it comes to saying what I want to say. The longer this goes on, the more I think it might be better to just be direct and honest with my friend—tell them I found their vent blog, tell them I read that post about me before they edited it[1], apologize for giving signals of disinterest/dislike, and tell them that I do like them and want to talk to them, very much. The idea of this is scary, because I think they'd be well within their rights to be angry with me, but I've kind of convinced myself that they hate me so I guess things can't get much worse. The stressful situation my friend was in is now over, so I really don't have an excuse anymore. But maybe it's not a good idea! And it doesn't feel fair to ask people on Kintsugi to help me with it because people on Kintsugi don't know my friend. So anyway: Your advice on being literal and direct makes total sense to me! I am working on doing that with another friend. What worries me, though, is that I know (from previous vent blog entries) my friend hates having to reassure anxious people, so I try really hard not to show any anxiety when interacting with them. (Because I didn't want to be a bad friend! lol) Reminder to myself to bring this up in therapy Friday if there's time. Still have not looked at the vent blog since making this thread. Kind of proud. Also kind of panicky over it sometimes, but what are you gonna do :/ (go to bed is what) [1] They edited that post to remove all mentions of my name, likely because a mutual friend of ours asked them if they could read the vent blog. (Mutual friend told me about this in a one-on-one Skype convo.) I saw the edited post before I decided I wanted to stop reading the blog.
So, positive update on the situation: I had a very productive session with my therapist yesterday that pushed me over into deciding that I needed to be honest with my friend about everything, so afterwards I wrote up an explanation-slash-apology to my friend, went home, and sent it even though it was a terrifying thing to do. My friend told me that: 1) they are okay with me reading the vent blog, it's public for a reason 2) they don't think I've been a bad friend, and that particular post was mostly a result of them dealing with anxiety things 3) they understand that I've been going through some stuff lately and now we are on the same page, and they are not mad or upset with me like I had expected. I feel a lot better about everything now, and I still feel an urge to check the vent blog every now and then (anxietybrain really wants to know what people think of me, jeez), but it's a much smaller urge and not driven by panic or a desire to hurt myself. Thank you to everybody who offered advice/witnessing/support, because you really helped me get through this. c:
