Okay, so- backstory, there's this girl I've known since I was, like, two. We were inseperable for years- she was my only friend at school, and I hers, and I got fiercely jealous of her attention, and she mine, I think. Then at six, I moved from London to- well, Wales, basically, and that was... a change. I struggled to adapt for about a year; much crying by school railings, no attempts at friends, had to move schools I was adapting so badly. We kept in contact, but I'm... not very good at that. And I wasn't very good at people, either, so once I was making friends I saw no reason not to talk about them? But, well, at that time she was getting violently bullied without me there. So, well, I don't know exactly, but I was both this... lifeline, definitely her closest friend and confidante, but also someone she resented, for having new best friends, and someone who had abandoned her, I suppose? I definitely wasn't a good friend, I don't think; I never initiated conversations, even though when we did talk it was for hours. I don't really feel like it's fair, but I've never been very good at arguing with her. Whether or not it's 'my fault' she definitely was hurt. And this continued, with periods of basically no contact, I think, until high school. (Well, most of this is conjecture really? I have, mostly, no memory of the vast majority of my childhood.) During which I went through the first of my ~sexuality crises~ and kinda thought I had a crush on her? I'm not sure if I did or not, it certainly wasn't a strong one, more of an... ideal of romance coming from the kind of close friendship we had? I mean, I don't even know if I feel romantic attraction, or what I feel. So. Anyways, she said she also would be ok trying dating (spoiler: long-distance 'dating' in your early teens does... not work out) and we did that for a while, which mostly consisted of... constant talking and emails? I felt like I was supporting her, like we were close again, like I was making up for the years that I had failed. I was finally capable of proper communication, she finally didn't seem angry with me! I wasn't heartless, I wasn't a bad person, I was her support. She was struggling mentally- as was I, I suppose, I think. I don't remember how bad I was. Kind of suicidal, but not actively, so I don't know. I think she was worse off, but I don't remember- that's what I thought then, though. It was validating. I was what was keeping her afloat, and that gave me a sense of purpose. Then... I don't remember. I suppose we must have broken up? I know we did, and she didn't tell me why, and then later she said it was because she was actually straight. This wasn't that long ago, I find it odd that I can't remember any specifics. Anyway, we had arguments. Sometimes, I don't remember how often, I think... it was a volatile relationship, and. I don't know, I don't know, god, no wonder it feels like she knows so much more about what happened- she actually remembers it. Then GCSE year. I'd been trying to make it up to her, to keep her reliant on me, I think, maybe or just... trying to apologise, to be there for her, to mend our relationship. I didn't know if she'd ever forgive me for not being there for her before, but god knows I tried. I thought that things were getting better. (We did have good times too, I know we did. We were friends. I loved her, I still do love her. I could talk to her for hours, and tell her things that I couldn't tell anyone else. She knew so much about me, remembered things about my childhood when I didn't remember anything, and she could spark those memories, and I'd feel like I had a past, like I was a real person.) Then- she sent me an email saying that our relationship was stressing her out and she wanted to cut off contact until after exams. I want to be able to say that I'm ashamed of how childishly I reacted- I feel like I should; I feel like she was probably in the right- but I don't know if I am. I was hurt. I'd thought we were okay. I'd been trying so hard for us to be okay. But no, no, no, we weren't ever going to get back an actual friendship. If it was stressful for her, then what was the point? I was just so tired of everything being my fault, of working so hard to be forgiven, of arguments that I didn't mean to start. I was so tired of being punished for an act of abandonment that had come from being a child, of being selfish, but that was over, and that I couldn't do anything to undo or make up for. So I said, Fine. You don't want this? Fine, nor do I. Please don't contact me- even after exams are over. It hurt. I missed her so much. For someone who lived hundreds of miles away, she was a massive part of my everyday life. I had to constantly catch myself saying 'My friend N.." and it hurt every time. It took months to get over it. Even then, I still missed her, but I got used to missing her. It was a relief, in some ways. Then, exams were over. I went to art college, and carried on with my life. My best friend went to the same college, but a different course, and we drifted apart incredibly quickly, which really upset me. I felt like I had no friends, no close friends, except one, who was still in high school and I never saw. I was lonely, maybe, or maybe I just felt like I should be lonely. In any case I got overwhelmed and sent her a rambling, impulsive, stupid email. And then the Anxiety hit me like a train- why had I done that, would she reply, what was I thinking, did I even want to talk to her? But she didn't reply, and eventually... I got over that too. Then she called me. Sorry- she never checked that email account, she just got my message, and she wasn't sure how to put what she wanted to say in an email. I felt. I felt like... all my emotions, my vulnerability, my wounds, were locked in a stone box, safe, where I couldn't feel them, where they wouldn't touch me. And hearing her voice sprung it right open. It floored me. I hated it so much- I think perhaps once I wouldn't have minded. But I don't want her to see the soft parts of me anymore. I don't think I trust her with them. Yet I can't seem to hide them. It fucking sucks, okay. And she said, I don't know, that she wanted to explain to me what happened, that she thought I'd misunderstood some things. Well, let me tell you, I didn't understand anything about what happened, and I still don't. I don't remember most of it, and the rest I don't understand, and I don't trust my interpretation. She said that since I'd cut off contact she'd realised she was clinging to a friendship that had been dead since I moved (so I really had lost her) and that she'd got her life together, that she was happy, that she loved her new school. It made me feel like I was broken, even more of a mess. I couldn't be a support to her. She'd done that- I'd only ever been holding her back, apparently. I'd only ever hurt her. I love my school. I'm happy. I have friends, I do, and I'm talented, and I work hard, and I'm the- fucking- Student Governor for my college! I have it together! But she makes me feel like- I don't know. Like I'm a mess, like, like, I'll never be good enough. I feel like that most of the time anyway, though. We agreed that we'd try to be friends again. But it's been weeks. She texted me once, and it was stressful, panicky, awful. When skype tells me she's online it sends a pulse of anxiety through me. It scares me to talk to her. I don't want to. But all it means is that I'm no better than I was at nine years old. That I still can't do this. I don't even know if I want to, but I don't understand why the thought makes me so scared. Help?
Okay, so first off, I have been through something like that. Had a bestie, we grew apart because he entered highschool before me and began changing a lot. I clung to the relationship because it was my only and most important relationship. Every time we interacted it didn't work right because we were growing and changing at different rates. It hurt, a lot. I spent years trying to fix it, then more years mourning it. This sounds about where you are. It is going to hurt, but the relationship you had and knew is sorta dead, any attempt to resuscitate will only cause you both pain and awkwardness. The best you can do right now is come to terms with its' death. This isn't to say you can never have a relationship with her again, it just means you can't have this relationship with her. It will only cause you both grief. You are both two new people. If you are to have a relationship with her, it has to be the new you and the new her. I know this is hard, but let me just say that the bestie I was talking about before? We're talking again. We have a new relationship. We are learning about each other again, and I am happy with it because it is not weighed down by the past. We are just people talking and being friends again. It is not the same relationship, but it is a good one.
Yeah. Thanks- I think that's where I want to be, or maybe thought I was, but I'm not sure if I can cope with it. Talking to her makes me really anxious. I think I might have to wait a while longer.
Yeah, it took me years to get to the point where I could talk to him without feeling anxious and weighted with past baggage. Time, space, and someone else I could feel close to helped a lot. Good luck. Hugs if you would like, because it can be very rough.
