I am the World's Most Irredeemable Person

[TWs for mentions of physical injury and some suicidal ideation]

So I don't really believe in irredeemable people because I think it's not my place to make that call but I think I'm the exception to that rule. I am irredeemable, and bad things should and need to happen to me.

I was at the gym earlier and I noticed a guy who was sitting down. He seemed a little shaky and especially sweaty. He had a bottle of pills next to him, and I was like 'what if that's aspirin? Maybe something's wrong.' But I'm a worthless piece of shit and so I didn't do anything except keep an eye on him. He moved around a little, so I was like 'maybe he's okay.' I kept glancing over but didn't fucking do anything because I'm worthless and I kept thinking 'if he's okay he'll be embarrassed that I caused a scene by asking if he's okay'. And I thought about asking the staff to see if he's okay but I'm so terrible I was scared to because I thought they'd be angry at me and point out that I should do this myself and that I was an awful human being because I guess on some level I'm aware that I'm unworthy of everything.

Well, a few minutes later the guy gestured to a man who got on the treadmill near him. The man went over, then left and got a member of the staff like I should've if I had a heart and a soul like a normal fucking human being. Long story short, and ambulance was called. I didn't know what to do, so before the ambulance came, I moved so that A) I wasn't staring at the guy because sometimes I have weird episodes in public and it embarrasses me that strangers are staring at me and in case he was self-conscious I didn't want him to be embarrassed and B) I worked security at one point in my life (guess I'm lucky no one fucking died because I'm so. fucking. stupid.) and I remembered that in case someone needs the paramedics, you HAVE to get out of the way so they can get to the person and not trip over you.

The guy left on a stretcher.

This is my fault. I made this happen I did this I'm so bad I didn't mean to I didn't want to hurt anyone but I did anyway because that's the kind of person I am and I

Spoiler: Suicidal-Ideation sort of

should have something bad happen to me, something really really bad, I kept hoping a semitruck would hit me on the way home so that the driver wouldn't be hurt but I would because I deserve it and this has to happen because of what I did, I hurt someone and I'm so, so sorry. I don't know who I'm apologizing to but I'm sorry.

And I keep making this whole thing all about me because I keep whining about how sorry I am but it's my fault, I shouldn't whine I should

Spoiler: More somewhat suicidal ideation

let something bad happen to me or make it happen, make sure I hurt because the guy was hurt, if he dies it's my fault, I made this happen, I caused this

But I won't, I don't want anyone to feel guilty because that's me being bad again, and I don't want anyone to feel guilty because it's my fault, I have to suffer and it's my fault.

And anxiety-brain won't shut up because there was a sheriff's car in the parking lot and I kept thinking I was going to get arrested for not helping and I deserve it, but think of how disappointed my Dad would be. I don't want him to have to go through that. But I deserve it so I know that it should happen.

So I guess what I'm wondering and what I need clarified for me because I can't think straight is this:

Is it possible to be irredeemable? I used to say no because I can't make that call but what if the guy dies? Then I'm a murderer and

Spoiler: suicidal-y

why should I get to live if he doesn't? I'm a bad person and I steal valuable resources from other people and so something bad should happen.

I can't type anymore my brain is mush and the fact that I wrote this means that I'm super selfish because it's all about me, it's always about me, oh my god. I have to stop now I'm losing my words.

 

You experienced intense anxiety and you are not selfish for needing space to process that. The fact that you are concerned that you did not do what you feel you should have is proof enough that you are not selfish or self-centered. Heck, if you had seen someone actually die, it would not be wrong for you to need to deal with the emotional fallout of witnessing such a thing, because that's part of being human. We are social animals and we feel bad when things happen to each other and we sometimes need help dealing with those bad feelings, even though the other person may also need help desk no with their bad things. That is how we're built, and I hope you are able to internalize that.

As for the scenario that started all this, are you familiar with the Bystander Effect? It's the name for the crummy phenomenon in which the more people there are around, the less likely it is that any individual will take action. This is also an unfortunate part of being human - we're kind of mediocre social creatures. :/

So you fell prey to a common human psychological phenomenon. As far as I know, the only real defense against the bystander effect is knowing that it exists, recognizing it when it happens, and choosing to consciously overcome it by taking action. That's not an easy thing.

The train of thought you described, of expecting the man or the staff to be mad because you are acting somehow inappropriately by wanting to check on him, sounds really similar to social anxiety (but maybe any kind of anxiety would sound like this?) If that's a challenge you're stuck dealing with, it is another hurdle to overcome and it doesn't make you a bad person. If someone with a physical disability was not capable of carrying someone out of a burning building, nobody would accuse them of being shitty just because someone else had to step up and do the thing, right? So nobody, not even you, gets a pass to talk smack about you just because you're dealing with neurological rather than muscular-skeletal challenges.

I'm pretty much always gonna say, you have to hold yourself to the same standards you hold everyone else to. That includes the fact you have to be willing to forgive yourself when you're not able to do what you think you should. It also means you have the opportunity to learn from a situation you feel bad about and be more prepared in the future. (like, maybe you could prepare an internal argument for why it's worth taking the risk of offering help when your brainweird tells you not to, for example; that way you have it ahead of time in case a situation comes up where it could matter)

ETA: you didn't cause him to have a heart condition. Likely it was a combination of genetics, diet, and other lifestyle factors (like smoking) that got him into that position. If he were to blame a random bystander for his situation, he'd be a dickhead. So it's not cool to blame you.

 

I have heard of the bystander effect, and that's the problem - I'm supposed to know better. I'm just so weak when it comes to my social anxiety (you were right about that) that I was too scared to do anything. Which doesn't make sense!! I don't know why I was scared!! I just keep thinking 'don't embarrass him, don't make everything angry' which I feel like I should KNOW is stupid.

Thank you for replying and I'm sorry if I've been rude.

 

Not at all rude, I get where you're coming from. I'm going to point back to my example of physical disability making physical actions impractical or nigh-impossible, therefore psychological and neurological disabilities making social actions impractical or nigh-impossible is legit. It's a thing that must be respected, and that requires extra work to overcome if and when it can be overcome, which is never a sure thing.

Also pointing that I added another thing in an edit that I'd like you to see written, in hopes that hearing it from outside your head will help you be able to believe it.

 

Thank you. On some level I'm trying to understand that, but on another level pure-O OCD brain is like 'there are people who do shitty things and there's me, the only truly evil person.' But regardless of mental illness, I know what I did was wrong, and that horrifies me. I like people. I like helping people. I've been working on being more generous and giving. I try and have charitable interpretations of other people's actions. I'm working to forgive my abusers and I try and pray (I'm somewhat religious/spiritual) even for people who hurt me or who I don't like. I try and feel compassion for everyone. But then I do shit like this and it's like, maybe I secretly hate everyone and am a bad person who wants to hurt everyone? Maybe I'm repressing all that badness? I don't know if that makes sense but that's what stupid brain keeps saying.

 

Whoa dude, your brain is fucking with you.
None of this is conceivably your fault. You did not make this happen. If you had talked to the guy, he probably would have left on a stretcher anyways, because that is what he needed. You did exactly the right thing that you remembered once the paramedics were called.

I understand feeling stressed and guilty about not doing something, especially because something did turn out to be wrong. That's not inherently unreasonable. But it is assholebrain moon logic to go from that to "i caused this" and from that to "i secretly wanted him to be hurt."

 

This may sound very strange, but when I read the words "I secretly wanted him to be hurt" I had such a reaction of horror because I couldn't bear that and I think it helped a little? Like I'm thinking a little more clearly, and I didn't want the guy to be hurt, I wanted him to be okay, so I think the OCD might be shouting nonsense now?

 

I feel like you didn't do a Wrong Thing. You fell short of doing a Right Thing, because you were struggling with your brainweird trying to convince it to let you do Right Thing. Okay, you didn't succeed, but that's why you keep trying every time. The fact that you want to do Right Things matters, it really does.

I know that my arguing with your brainweird isn't going to magically solve the problem, but I can only hope to lend you a little extra boost to help you hold your own against it. I really don't want you to hurt yourself, or to feel like you deserve to suffer, and if you get even a little relief I'll count it as worth my time.

When it comes to socializing anxiety, hi, that's kind of my deal (undiagnosed so maybe I'm just painfully shy, but I have had panic attacks over social situations in the past, and I do get those "everyone will be mad bc I'll screw up some social rule without knowing it" thoughts) and yet my job is to run a customer service team. I train cashiers (most of whom are shy people, oddly), I work with them, and I work directly with out customers every day. (I think this is why I was sorted into gryffindor). Part of why I can do this, and how I teach shy people to work with the public, is by developing a mental script. Like, with every customer who comes to my counter, I know how out conversation will go ahead of time, I know a lot of variations on the basic script, and I know how to bring things back to the script when my customers don't know their lines. I assume this is how confident, socially-adept people feel all the time.

So maybe you can take something constructive from this situation. Maybe like Batman vowing to protect others from suffering as he did, or Spider-man choosing to learn from Uncle Ben's death, maybe you can take something from this that will help you to act in future scenarios in a way you weren't able to this time. Like, you probably know intellectually that the staff at any business would rather not have some guy keel over dead at their job. You know your anxiety is wrong when it says otherwise. So maybe you can develop a script in your head that can apply to just about any public space where you think you need to let someone in charge know about a possible problem. Like, if you run through it when the pressure isn't on, your anxiety may actually help you identify flaws that need fixing or ways it can be improved, variations that you might need to be prepared for. (Anxiety has its roots in helping us to anticipate risks, so let's turn it against itself, shall we?) Heck, if it helps you can post it here and those of us in the service industry can give you feedback bc I know at my job we'd want to know if we should be checking on someone and ready to maybe call an ambulance.

So maybe with a mental script that your anxiety has already tested and improved, you'll have an easier time stepping up if you ever see the need again. And this will no longer be a story about feeling like a terrible person, it will be the origin story of a hero.

Another thing occurs to me, btw: I once was taken out of a public place on a stretcher and loaded onto an ambulance. In my case it was due to exhaustion from a week of insufficient sleep followed by totally sleepless night, compounded by severe dehydration because why not. I had reached a point where I felt like I was going to puke and I could no longer physically move and I had to ask a random passerby for help. I was in zero danger, I just needed water and sleep, but they had to take me to the ER to be sure. So like, there's at least one totally plausible scenario in which that dude's life wasn't even in danger, but it would have been unsafe to drive home.

Again, if it helps you settle your brainweird at all, I'll be glad.

 

Thank you so much. You're a very kind person.

I promise I won't hurt myself - I've gotten good at finding techniques to keep myself from doing that over the years.

I'm sure I do need a script in case this happens again. I will definitely spend some time thinking of one and then post it here so people can check if there are any flaws. I'll also probably rehearse it in front of the mirror so I can practice making eye contact so I don't get scared to do so in an emergency.

Again, thank you so much.