I could use some help, if and only if you read my other thread

No one has to read this or answer it. If I ping you it's because I wanted to be sure you had the chance to answer if you want to. If you choose not to say anything, that's fine. I assume that everyone who never ever wants to be reminded that I exist ever again will have me on ignore so it's not my job to not even ping you. Especially since no one has actually asked for that.

I really don't want to come back here and post regularly again, but this one thing seemed worth it. I'm out after this, like I said, like I have been for the last few days.

Note: I'm not asking for reassurance. If "I hate you" is true, then I want to hear it. Other note: I can't offer you much in return, so if you answer this, all you get is the warm and fuzzy satisfaction of knowing you're a good person who helped someone.

This is pretty much only aimed at people who read the siiiigh thread and it's definitely about that. If you didn't read it I'll just assume you'd change your mind and like me less if you did. You don't have to have posted in it, just read it, but if you didn't read it this won't make sense and I won't be able to use any information I get from you. But I'm not interested in having more serious discussions on Kintsugi. That means I'm not really interested in talking about who's right or wrong or why anyone thinks what they think. I'm also not, in case anyone was worried, trying to figure out what to think of myself. I know what I think of myself and what anyone else here thinks of me won't change that. I'm not trying to decide how to feel about you, either.

Basically to make a long story short I said this to someone:

Because sure, you're all nice, so you don't want to hurt me, but that's because you don't want to hurt anyone. You still think I'm completely worthless, you just want to be nice to the completely worthless person. And they convinced me that asking would be a good idea. I don't need you to reassure me, because I know you'd be wrong to think I'm completely worthless, I have some tiny little amount of worth, not a lot, and I don't really care that much anyway since I've already decided I don't want to stay here. And I'm not going to decide to hate you or like you based on anything you say here, either. But I really can't even imagine any other possibilities. I can't even make a list of ways you might feel about me and compare them against what you've said to me and about me. I can't do that because "everyone thinks I'm completely worthless" is literally the only possibility my brain can come up with. Normally if I thought I had some distorted thoughts, I could ask myself if I was right when I thought this in the past, but when I think people hate me I just leave forever and never ask if I'm right or talk to those people again.

So what do you think of me? And if I came back, which I won't, would you notice my posts and feel secondhand embarrassment because I should know I'm not wanted and have nothing useful to say? Like I said, you don't have to answer and I'm not looking for reassurance. In fact if you want a chance to rant about what an awful person I am, this is your chance! For real, that's not putting a brave face on it, this is an honest question and I'll be equally glad no matter what the answer is because I'm already not interested in staying here so it doesn't matter to me. But I'll be grateful no matter what you say if you answer.

Pinging @Beldaran @pixels @MayaaFeys

 

i think you seem like a person who's having a hard time. also you seem analytically-minded. your thread on sj discourse was interesting and i would like to go back and reread it more carefully when i have time. i would not get secondhand embarrassment if you came back. for example: you came back to post this, and the extent of my feelings on the matter was (positive) interest in what you had to say.

 

I know you didn't ping me, but considering I was in your other thread.....
I think you're fine. I neither hate nor pity you, and I honestly think what you contributed in your other thread was actually valuable, both for yourself and for others, and I think you have other valuable things you can contribute. if not here, then somewhere else, though I'll be sad to see you go, to be honest. you seem very logically minded, and I like that about you as well, and think you could offer some valuable opinions on stuff. I wouldn't get secondhand embarrassment if you came back. I'd be good with seeing you around.
that's my honest opinion.

 

hey so you didn't ping me but i did read and comment in your siiigh thread, so:

first off this sounds like very, very distorted thinking. you not being able to imagine that it is distorted thinking is more evidence that it is distorted thinking. continued assertion that it's not distorted thinking only makes me more confidant that it is.

second, i do not hate or pity you, and i don't feel embarassed about you. i don't have any strong attachment to you, because we havent interacted much, but i think your thread on sj discourse is both interesting and insightful, and i wish i had the brains to read it more closely. i think you contributed to threads in a valuble way, and your coments on topics were interesting to read. i would be happy if you decided to stay or remake as a new account. if you do decide to leave i wish you well and hope you find good places with good people.

 

Thank you. Now I have one example of what people think of me when I feel like they hate me. Edit: 3 examples! You're not all the same person. I really can't thank you all enough.

Sorry about your bad vacation, Beldaran.

 

Yeah that sounds like the textbook definition of distorted thinking to me - been battling the same shit myself lately.

I don't hate or even dislike you. I reacted negatively to your words and falsely took it out using my own, but what I said and what I think don't match - I don't know you well enough to have strong opinions on you as a person. I'll second Cedar here and say that I think you think more logically than not and your posts reflect that, so I think that, even if you didn't do that, you have something to contribute and even if that wasn't true I'd still welcome you here, but if you don't want to stay that's fine, but I'd miss you. And I'm sorry I've contributed to how you feel right now. I hope you feel better, I really do.

 

Thank you. I am feeling better and this post is really helpful.

FWIW, in case you have the same kind of thing going on, I'm sorry I phrased things in a pretty confrontational way that I should have guessed would hit some people right in the feels. And I'm not angry at you anymore. And I accept your apology. I think I said that before but then again I think you said something like this before too and it didn't get through to me until now. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling similar rn and I hope you feel better soon, too.

 

@sunsetbreezes I read your thread originally but didn't comment at the time. I was actually sad when you said you were leaving because I've enjoyed your posts so far.

I'm guessing that your brain's telling you that what happened in that thread is the Worst and therefore everyone hates you forever but as far as Kintsugi arguments go that looked like about a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. I can't speak for anyone, but to me it didn't look like anyone was really mad at you, just frustrated and emotional because it was a sensitive topic for them. People have had worse arguments here and it's turned out ok. It happens.

 

I didn't comment in it, but I did read the thread in question. It didn't leave a particularly strong impression on me, just "hunh, that was a sensitive topic and emotions ran high there." If you came back I'd notice because I thought your username was pretty, not because of pity or secondhand embarrassment or anything. And that's not because I don't feel secondhand embarrassment in general; it just honestly didn't occur to me that I would feel embarrassment for you for leaving and then coming back.

 

I also read the thread and didn't comment. I didn't think I had the spoons to compose anything I should add, given the sensitivity of the topic.

I never had a negative opinion of you. You struck me as a thoughtful person who's going through some difficult things. So, a lot like many other people around here.

I was disappointed to read that you were leaving. Based on what I've seen so far, I would very much like to hear more of your thoughts, should you feel like sharing.

Best wishes no matter what you decide.

 

I'm honestly surprised by all of this. I wasn't just wrong, I was about as wrong as it's possible to be.

 

I commented briefly but the thing I said was apparently off-topic, whoops. I think you are probably a cool person! I have not formed a strong impression because I had read the one thread you'd posted in and then you seemed to have left, but I'm happy to see you back here however briefly because you had interesting thoughts. Your brain is fucking with you something fierce, and seconding what other folks have said about that not being a huge argument all things considered. You're welcome here any time you want to be.

 

I read the thread, and while I did have Issues with some of your views (mainly for emotional reasons), I don't have any issues with you as a person, and I'd be very sad to see you go.

 

Like Mala, I also read the thread but didn't comment (I didn't think I had anything useful to contribute) and was disappointed when you said you were leaving. Her evaluation of the thread is pretty much how I read it, too.

I think you're neat! It wouldn't occur to me to feel secondhand embarrassment about you coming back. That'd take something like the Kiwifarmers who tried to troll us coming back to try it again and being just as bad as it as the first time. :P Your situation is one of having an argument with some people and now your brain is being a huge jerk to you about it, and that's really unfair of it. I'd like to see you around again if that's a healthy thing for you.