Like, real-real and not imitated from other people It's like I've spent my whole life copying (consciously and subconsciously) people, tics, phrasings, voice modulation, and the line to perceptions blurs - Because at what point does "hearing about something and realizing it gives you words for something you yourself perceive" stop, and "hearing about something, imagining it, and then it happens to you" start? (thank you, mom) Where is the line between "me" and all the things I've been imitating because it was stuff that other people did in their communication, and added it to my own repertoire? There's situations I don't know how to act and basically look through things I've seen/heard/read other people do and go through those and see if anything fits, and it's damn confusing because I don't know why these responses work or don't work or why they work the way they do and seemingly everyone else does. (acting on stage is easy, i have my lines, i have my context, and everyone is looking at my role, and not at me) (my aunt remarked on how i came out surprisingly normal for having been raised in that household (=my parents'). thank you, aunt, but i'm mostly just wildly flailing around attempting to see what works and if I know script F carries result D and I want result D then I'm going to use script F, unless I'm too angry to think straight then you'll get a very blunt and honest opinion) ugh, how do i human I feel fake ::/
Sorry I don't have any advice but I definitely have solidarity. I've been trying to cut out a lot of fake things from myself lately but I can't always find the line to make the incision. Do I do these things because I'm me or because I think I should? (See: my hypervigilance developing rapidly but after I was out of near-constant danger. Did that happen as a delayed reaction to said danger, or because I thought I should have effects left over and it made a nice narrative?) I also get the "but you're so well adjusted!" commentary and I just. Nope. I am faking so hard I've even convinced myself. And once it goes off script... -flail- It's why I'm so good at on-stage acting. I'm already pretending I know what I'm doing 99% of the time, what's a little more? Who the fuck even am I aside from an amalgamation of different people and characters I've taken bits from to make myself? Eum. I don't mean to take over your thread so I'll stop there. Just. Yeah. I know those feels.
@Lazarae So. much. this. -fistbump/hug whichever applies- And then people like my mother come along and shoot you down with "you're exaggerating"/"no you don't"/"you're faking"/"people are influencing you" when you try to put stuff into words and argh lying low and watching people was the only way to get through, and usually whenever I tried to understand and apply, someone got pissed. urgh. brains, man.
A caddisfly case is more than the sand grains in it. Even if everything about you is made of things you picked up from other people (which I doubt) you still made it, and it's still yours (and you can build it any way you want to from here). #dunno if that helps #also, hugs
How I realized what parts of my personality aren't really me: Doing LARP I think if we can train you out of stabbing people with the weapons that have a core I should take you along to one of the cons at some point (if you wanna??) Because wow. Realizing where exactly my personality ends and my character starts is kind of a thing when you get confronted with 'being someone else' for entire days at a time? Like yes, the rude swearing is me. And the annoyed grumpiness is also me, albeit sans caffein. The violent urges and actual commitment to verbal and physical assault are very much not me, but Nono. Ah yes the sexy seductress is completely not me that's entirely Schwalbe, I still giggle in my head when anyone calls me sexy. But the loyalty is me. Okay the whole 'You don't get to have that and I will burn it in front of you' thing is Ophira, also not me. But the whole 'accidentally corrects everything you say because i forgot that's rude' is very me. The anxious over correcting may also be kinda me. But not the emotional manipulation, that's Fauve. I consider my 'core personality' the parts that aren't moving around much, after I get out of character. I wouldn't have known without the stark contrast of me vs. person who looks like me but does not act like me, how much the chipper cutesy stuff is part of me, for example. But since even if I drop it for five days it keeps coming back its as constant as a real personality trait will ever get so whatever.
I was worried the other day about how people would see me if I did something or other, and I said so, and my mom said "But you don't care what people think about you! You've never cared!" Which is true on the surface but I have a shell that I use so that I don't panic myself into oblivion, and part of that shell is Not Caring What Other People Think. It's a defense thing that I use so that no one can know they've gotten to me. Point being, I've faked personality traits for long enough that everyone thinks that's who I am and I almost do too. I feel you.
I don't know if this is any help for you, but what has helped for me is having a space/a person/a group of people where/with whom I can be whoever I want, because that space or those people don't have an expectation that I have to behave a certain way or be a certain person, just that I'm not an asshole. Therefore, I feel more free to choose behaviours there, and then I can find ones I'm comfortable with, and tenets I hold as true, which I figure is a good basis for 'this is actually me'. This isn't 100% awesomecure, and it may well not be applicable to you as-is, but posting in case it might help and because ~me too~.
I agree, everyone accumulates things from the people around them and the people they admire. I see something in the original thread that's making me go oh yeah, that. That my words and behaviors, the interests I express and the way I reference them, are a armor/puppet made from imitating others in a combination that hopefully communicates what I intend to. I think that usually people are less aware of it, less bothered by it. I pretty frequently have times when I realize I'm imitating someone else's demeanor, and it's like with breathing---it's always there, but it's usually automatic. Once you notice it, the automatic function stops and you have to do it consciously. Once I notice someone else's words and tones and expressions coming out of my mouth, I falter, feeling very sensitive and self (?) conscious.
I went through an interesting phase where I believed that I had to act the exact same way to every person. Then and only then would I be a "person of integrity". It took me a while to learn that that was absolute bullshit. You act differently around different people, because you have different relationships with them. That being said, I definitely hear where you're coming from, @whimsicalobservant, and so *hugs* if you would like them. It can be a frightening realization when you discover that you've collected bits and pieces from other people - who are you? But - it's okay. It's fine! I mean, think about the concept of a role model. If you have one, you may well decide to imitate some of what they do, or take inspiration from them. That's cool, no one thinks twice about that. (...unless you decide someone like Charles Manson is your role model. then maybe you should talk to a therapist.) So I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're describing. Honestly, no one is born knowing how to function in society. We all learn it, and we all learn it from watching other people. It's totally cool. Now, if you realize you're doing something that you don't agree with, then that's different. But you've realized you don't like it, so now you have the option to change it. In fact, you have the option to change whatever you want to. Don't like how script F ends? Change it. Maybe you'll start a trend. ;) We all have the option to take in everything from our surroundings, choose what we like, drop what we don't like, and decide that this is who I am. And if a week, six months, ten years down the line, you decide it's not so much you anymore? Well, drop it then. You don't owe it to anyone to keep being who you were before. The people who matter won't mind, and the people who mind don't matter. I suspect, as you sift through what you've collected over the years, you'll find things - behaviours - methods - whatever - that resonate with you, that fit you, and those will be comfortable things for you to add to your you. Don't worry, you're still you. You continue to be greater than the sum of your parts, including whatever you've picked up from other people - and that's whether or not you can see the big picture of who you really are. :) In fact, I doubt many people ever really understand themselves, or could describe who they feel they are. We're all pretty much in the same boat. Once you figure out that you don't know who you are, you don't know who you'll be, no one else does either, that's okay, and in fact you get to choose, then I think you'll find the boat will rock substantially less.
