Two good friends of ours recently moved in with my partner and I. They were supposed to move into the apartment when we did at the beginning of the year, but things got in the way so it wasn't until the end of may that they were able to start moving in. The thing is, since they've moved in we never hang out anymore! I've mentioned missing hanging out with them a few times and they've agreed, said we should definitely set aside time to hang out, but nothing ever comes of it. They pretty regularly go out to hang out with other friends, or have friends over in their room, but they never invite me or my partner to join them. (They also don't let us know when they're having friends over, but that's a separate issue. >_<) I'm afraid to ask to join when they have friends over because I want to respect their space, particularly because they're still getting used to sharing an apartment with us, but I wind up feeling really left out when I can hear them laughing and having fun one room over and I'm all on my lonesome with nothing to do. Should I risk asking to join them? Should I give it time and hope things improve? I just don't knooooowwwwww :(
Waiting generally improves nothing. I suggest asking to have a specific time and place like "let's do movies on Sunday at 5 pm in the living room, we can make snacks beforehand". Something like that. If they reject such direct overtures 3+ times, then I suggest moving on and not attempting more. But you haven't been direct yet (it's really easy to sort of treat saying "we should" as a vague politeness), so. Them not warning you when having friends over - is this something you discussed moving in? That you should let flatmates know when you have people over? If you did not discuss it, now is the time. It's possible they don't have the faintest idea you feel lonely. Or at that moment it's possible they want to be with those friends. I sometimes find trying to bridge two separate circles of friends really tiring and frustrating when I would just rather hang out with one group and then the other. It is possible including you with their other friends feels like work for them. Ironically, it is also possible they want to respect your space and they do that in the form of not bugging you about anything. Breaking a stalemate like that can be done by reaching out. If it feels hard for you, maybe ask your partner to talk to them?
My friends and I managed hanging out when living together like this: If you were up for hanging out and stuff, you be in the living room; if you want alone time, you be in your room. So maybe you could start making a point of just being in the living room? Like if you're just on your laptop surffing tumblr in your room, that can easily be moved to the living room. And then if they see you there, they might want to join you and then hang outs can happen naturally like that. Maybe you could suggest this as an idea, if you don't want to just wait around hoping they'll get the message. xP
Most of my hanging out with my one housemate just happens because she'll be watching something and I'll sit down and watch with her, or vice versa. Sometimes we'll make vague plans like 'well I'll make this for dinner and we can share' and that more often than not also leads to watching stuff together.
Thanks for the advice! @hoarmurath - My partner and I have tried making specific suggestions to them, but they usually end up to be working or have already have plans. Letting each other know when we were having folks over was discussed before they moved in, but it was one of a hundred things that was discussed so they've probably just forgotten. I only mentioned it because it's just so bizarre to me to not do so. I suppose you're right in that it should be brought up again, but I guess I'm concerned about getting on their bad side. :S @Re Allyssa That's kind of how we've been doing things, but the only time I've seen them in the living room is coming back when we were out of the house and finding them hanging out there. My paranoid side wants to take this as "A-ha! See! They HAVE been avoiding you guys! They only came out because you weren't here!!!" but there's probably a better explanation than that. :P It seems like consuming media in a common area is a pretty good bet for hangout times! Unfortunately we don't really have a proper TV in the living room yet, hopefully we will soon and that'll make things much easier re: hangouts. We recently picked up a video game everyone in the house was interested in, Splatoon, and their wanting to play that has helped a bit as the console is in my partner and I's room at the moment.
Well, if they are reasonable people, you should not be getting on their bad side simply because you request them to honor something you guys discussed. In fact, this is a good way to find out if they are genuinely reasonable people. Yeah, the paranoia doesn't help. It is possible they prefer to be on their own, but I don't think that's something you should take personally. It will just make you feel worse in the long run.
