Okay so I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me but that is sort of a problem because I have problems talking about my issues mostly because 1. there is some sort of a mental block preventing me from it and it always feels fake when i do 2. I tend to push bad things out of my memory so I can't tell if I've ever felt good or bad before therefore I am always good and even if i'm bad it's new so it's fun and Anyway I think I've been doing good? Like, I had a purpose in life once which was a few hours ago but now I don't feel it after a long time and the purpose was something along the lines of radically changing the world for the better but now it seems so horribly incredibly selfish because I have no right? But things probably were better I guess but then I remembered that I. Have this issue that I have problems talking about so forgive me for it sounding weird and it's really really gross so please don't read it if you don't like gross things but Spoiler: Incoherent blabbering put under a spoiler because it feels safer I sort of?? there's this place in my head where I go sometimes and not literally go but more like. get into a state and I'm sorry for talking about myself so much that's very selfish of me but. It makes me feel like I deserve to suffer in whatever way imaginable and it never really goes away and mostly it's just "you want to hurt me well haha jokes on you i like it" because I really like it but I know that I'm not really suffering because if I were I wouldn't feel good about it but I feel good about suffering and I feel bad about feeling good and feel good about feeling bad and sjdfksdj I hurt myself sometimes and it feels good but I feel like I should cut deeper and more and sometimes I look at a blender and have to stop myself from shoving my hand in and turning it on and. I also want or need to look for a person who won't feel bad about hurting me and will do bad things to me because it just feels right for me??? it's like a hole that is there and I don't look at it but when I do I feel like it is my hole and it was made for me (pardon my reference) and it's been there since I can remember I wrote it in my diary when I was like 11 I was obsessed with drawing kids being controlled by someone else and I daydreamed about it a lot and i and I haven't been able to find that person yet because so far the only people like that were people who either proclaim themselves to be divine and I find them utterly pathetic because they're like kings who lost their country demanding respect because they're kings and yelling "I'M THE KING, I'M THE KING" while being a king of nothing and that is so, so so pathetic and also selfish of me to think. I don't feel bad about going into the hole and I know i will go there eventually and it calms me down and makes me excited but I??? there is also this other side that doesn't want to go into the hole because it wants to change things but isn't that just another way of destroying myself because I will, except far away from the hole without having a sense that it's right? I don't know. I don't know is it possible to tell what's wrong with me? am I meant to be like this?
well, coming from my side, the feeling as though you're worthless strikes me as depression, still especially because depression lies like the metaphorical rug, and clearly you aren't worthless. also, clarifying word choice, when you say it feels good, do you mean it feels like you deserve it because of these feeling of worthlessness, or that it makes you feel better emotionally, or that you have masochistic feelings? I think I have had fairly similar feelings, especially what sounds like a little dissociation around times of self harm. also, you made this thread, so you can say whatever you like in it! you are in charge of this thread. there are a fair amount of all about me threads on here, and that is completely ok :)
I'm. Not exactly sure if it's depression because. I possibly?? might get depressive episodes sometimes but this is more of a need to destroy myself and the feelings of satisfaction upon doing so. It also feels weirdly spiritual, I guess? It's difficult to explain, it's sort of. like I know where destiny wants me to be and also want to go there myself. I don't really consider myself worthless, but I consider myself beneath other people? I guess? I think of myself more as a thing than anything when I'm like this, to be honest... As for the self harm I... all three, I think? It feels like I deserve it and that makes me feel good, but the pain also feels good and sort of weirdly fascinating? I don't have negative feelings towards pain in general, or as a matter of fact don't have negative feelings towards negative feelings and to an extent enjoy feeling them? I also sort of. Usually get turned on when I self harm so there's that but I get turned on at many weird things which is. Also a factor. I'm fucked up I know it is ok, but at the same time I feel that is inappropriate for me to do so because as I mentioned, I don't really view myself as a person when I'm like this. I don't really view myself as a person ever I think, but it's in a more socially acceptable and healthy way when I'm not like this? sorry if I'm confusing
I'm with my team rn, so bear with me a bit as they're very loud and distracting. :) I do think that thinking of yourself as less than other people is a self worth issue that I would say is a thing to seek help about. I have heard that cognitive behavior therapy can help with that- and I'm pretty sure we have a cognitive behavior therapy thread here somewhere. I have had problems before with mixing up the fact that I'm an ace masochist with the fact that I'm also depressed, and so untangling different reasons for self harm can be pretty difficult.
hmmm I don't really think myself less than other people, just... somewhat different? I definitely hold myself up to different standards but I. Consider myself both less and more than other people, with the less part being there mostly to neutralize the more part, which I don't know how else to counter at the moment. I don't really seem to have self worth issues, but that might be because I have issues with the processing of my self as a whole. It's... confusing, especially since I seem to have developed issues as countermeasures to other issues. Hmmm, by masochist you mean as in, someone who enjoys pain or as in the self-defeating disorder?
Huh, that's interesting. ...there's also a possibility that you're experiencing the classic human dilemma of, since you're the only person inside your head, you count yourself as more important, but this is countered by society pushing the concept of "you have to be of use to be worth anything" re: masochist-enjoying pain. I'm not very into self defeat. ...I actually think there's a bdsm thread on here as well there we go
More like count myself as more intelligent and better because I've been told that I am since childhood and yeah.... ahhh thank you! I'll check it out I guess :'D
oh my god, the self image issues that come from being a smart child. it's ridiculous what a mess they make of someone. being told i was better/had an easier time/should just Get It from looking at it without effort means i didn't really learn to work hard and get discouraged super easily, an now it means that if i try and fail it's not just "ok this attempt didn't work, but that's okay, i just need to review my approach and try again", it's a direct attack on my self-image and means i'm some kind of fraud. failing at something is unacceptable for my ego, so i have learned not to even try, and now i'm ~squandering my potential instead. all that to say, yours sounds a bit different from mine but it still it sounds like you're also juggling this childhood self-image with your current feeling that you're not living up to that potential everyone told you you had and you're actually kind of meh?
