I'm low-key (okay, maybe moderately high-key) freaking out. My family home was (is) in so bad shape (rotting floors/ceiling, black mold, fridge not working, roaches and raccoons, and more! :D) that a friend's family actually felt bad enough for me that they cleared out a back room for me to stay in. This was over a year ago (...two years ago, oh god) after I graduated college. I thought "Oh this is great, a place for me to save up money and get on my feet and etc etc" and of course it didn't happen. I accomplished nothing I wanted to except getting a license and a car, and even that's incredibly tentative given how the car is old enough to drink and likes to shut itself off while I'm driving (the diagnostic codes say it's the mass air flow, but we've replaced hoses, cleared out the filter, among other things, nothing's solved the problem) and since it was a side-of-the-r0ad-for-$750 type deal there's no kind of warranty. But that's mostly beside the point. So recently, yesterday actually, friend's mom's husband (geez that's a mouthful) came to me and said "hey so uh we need to get together and talk about what we're gonna do with the room since my lease on the office is expiring soon and etc etc insert annoyingly smug passive aggressive dribble here". I said "just tell me when I gotta be out by" and he said February. So I have six months. I'm not doing so hot. I thought moving out of my rotting, falling apart house that I had to suffer through for 20+ years would improve something, maybe make things easier on me, but I think my depression's actually worse (which just confirms my theory that it wasn't actually a direct result of my shitty living situation). I feel so useless and awful most of the time, like god I'm almost 27, I feel like time is running out and I haven't done anything and I can't make myself acquire useful skills because the depression stops me from doing just about everything. Don't even get me started on my anxiety. I feel pressured to acquire skills and become good at things (and become better at things I used to actively do and enjoy that now feel like work and that I'm not that good at anymore from lack of practice and motivation), so I feel like I'm in a rushed frenzy and at a standstill at the same time. It's awful. I have my dead-end retail job that I've held with an iron grip since high school, which is the only way I get by at all, but it's part-time and doesn't pay nearly enough for me to live on my own. And believe me, I'd love to! I dream of owning my own place, or renting, whatever, I don't care I'd just be so happy to be living by myself and feel like I have some kind of security. I'm tired of living tentatively. I'm so tired of being only a few steps away from having the rug yanked out from under me at any moment. But when I start thinking of the nuts and bolts of it, like I gotta find a full-time job, manage to keep it, which means fighting the depression that makes me have to work hard just to get to and maintain my easy no skills required entry level 3-4 day a week job, and also hopefully something that won't make me want to walk off a cliff (and by the way trying to think of a job I'd be happy to do or that's well-suited for me and my skill set is great when I'm too depressed for anything to fit either of those categories, I don't have a skill set and I can't build one because I can't make myself do anything because everything just feels tired and hopeless), find a place in a good location and for a good price and pray to god that my car survives long enough for me to maybe save up money to get a better car at some point, and I have health insurance through the marketplace which means that I'll need to jump through a bunch of fun hoops when it turns out I'm no longer technically homeless and only making $14K a year. God, I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I don't have anything to fall back on. Even if I wanted to go back to my dilapidated family home, it's just in too much a state of disrepair, I consider it unlivable. I guess it's not technically, since I managed to do it before (even if just for lack of choice) and my brother and dad still live there (sort of, they mostly just sleep there, the whole house isn't as bad as my bedroom is) but after staying in a room with an actual ceiling and floor that aren't rotted out I dunno if I can go back. Maybe that's me being spoiled or asking too much, but there it is. My whole family is pretty poor (obviously) so it's not like anyone there can help me. I've talked about this somewhat with other friends before and no one's offered to help, and like hell I'm gonna ask, so no good there either. My only solid plan thus far is packing up my belongings in sterilites and finding a place to leave those while I stay at a homeless shelter. That kinda scares me, but somehow the thought of working 40+ hours a week seems just a bit scarier. Like I seriously don't know if I can manage that. And at a new workplace where I don't know anyone and aren't positively sure of what I'm doing at any given time? Holding any kind of responsibilities, which are necessary if I want a job that pays a living wage? I'm anxious enough in my day-to-day life already. I've wondered if killing myself might be preferable, which strikes me as maybe a bad sign. But god, that just sounds so lazy, doesn't it. "Can't handle working 40+ hours a week" is the most weaksauce thing I've ever seen said, and I'm the one saying it. I'm pathetic. When I come across problems I try and think of what I can do proactively to make the situation better. But since my roadblock is crippling depression that I've been struggling with at least half of my life that I've only begun to treat, there's not much I can do (aside from "just stop being depressed" which BELIEVE ME I'VE TRIED). I've started trying different medicines, but who knows how long until my psych and I figure out what works (that I can afford) and I wonder if I'll even be able to afford any antidepressants or mood stabilizers once I become not-homeless and have to change my insurance? Oh god it's gonna cost so much, oh god, either I get a shitty HMO with a high deductible or I stick with a PPO with premiums that I won't be able to afford oh god I can't I can't I don't even really know why I'm making this thread. Just blogging I guess. I've slowly been deleting myself off of all social media since I never successfully maintained friendships through them and I never posted anything of value or substance anyway so it felt pointless and obtrusive. And since this username is different from any other usernames I've used online, I feel comfortably anonymous so I can bare my soul as best I can. Apologies and kudos to anyone who got through that schlock. Feel free to ignore.
Okay, so it sounds like the depression is a major barrier to a lot of stuff. Hopefully you find a med that works soon! Also, if you are in a state that embraced Obamacare, you can get quite decent insurance for cheap (I have a $500 deductible that gets reduced to like $120 by subsidies, twenty cents a month in premiums, and $10 copays for my psych meds). You might even find you could theoretically work 40 hour weeks! But even if you can't, you can probably find roommates. Roommates help cut costs dramatically. You can find them on Craigslist or local alternative. But you have a lot of time. And you have a college degree, so that means you have marketable skills in that area. Which will be a lot easier to direct once you find a med that works! You definitely deserve to live in a nice place with four walls and a solid floor and an unstained ceiling and working appliances.
I would do the roommate thing, but I don't know anyone who is able to be my roommate (most of my friends don't have jobs and those that do already have their own living arrangements), and I'm just so scared of rooming with someone I don't know. Not even anxious, outright scared. It's terrifying. I'm not gonna be killed in my sleep just because it was easier to split costs instead of rooming by myself.
@itadakimouse What part of the country are you in? There may be someone here in the forums that knows someone in your area they can vouch for. Also, if you are near any collages, check for apartments designed for students. I know I have seen some that are setup so there is a shared kitchen/living room, and there is a bedroom/bathroom that has locks on it so only you can get in. Some of them come furnished, and/or include things like internet, cable, etc, so if you don't have much stuff of your own, that keeps you from having to buy furniture. You can see an example at http://stadiumviewapt.com/floor-plans/4-bedroom-4-bathroom/
I wasn't sure if it was okay to be in one of those apartments near universities unless you were actually a student? In any case, I've looked around a lot and the absolute cheapest apartments I can find are ~$500+ a month, without electric (none of the ones I saw listed had electric included. none of them), and that's including university-area, and whenever I do math in my head balancing that and all my other expenses it feels like I'll never have enough money, or I'll have just enough and I don't want to have to live in constant fear of losing everything, I hate it, I hate it. There's no one who can help me and I have nowhere to go and it'll be February before I know it and I'm so scared and I don't know what to do. I can submit all the resumes in the world (and I have been and I am) but if they require any kind of skills they're not gonna hire me because I don't have any. I'm scared.
Try not to panic yet. (I won't say not at all, cause in my experience, people saying not to at all just makes me laugh hysterically and then panic more) What area/state are you in? There may be someone on the forum who needs/wants a roommate, or knows someone personally who does. Heck, if you are in the Minnesota/St Cloud area, I could probably do it.
kitarakir, sorry for not responding. I'm in Florida, but I don't wanna say anything more than that because I'm paranoid, even though there's nothing to really be paranoid about. I've gotten a job (I start on my birthday, less than a week from now). Babby's first full time job. I'm so terrified of screwing it up. I asked what they would be looking for after my initial two week review, and they said "improvement". So if I don't do well, there's a very real chance I could be let go. And I still have my part-time job so it won't be the end of the world, but I'd just really like this to work out. I'm on 75 mg of generic zoloft, and I don't know if I'm feeling good because I happen to be feeling good or if it's because the zoloft is working, and I'm so terrified the other shoe's gonna drop and I'll be right back where I was. I already feel like I'm coming 'down' and I just want something that works god dammit... T_T At least I'm managing to corral my impulsive spending. I did not drop $50 on a browser game to collect more animu girls. That's improvement.
