I'm on my tablet and distressed so apologies if this comes out a little garbled. I'm just not in a good place and haven't been for a few days. And this same thing happens almost every time... Just like. Something will happen and it doesn't have to be a big something. More often than anything else it has to do with me wanting to have sex but things getting in the way of time or my partner not feeling well. Which is OK, things happen, other stuff has higher priority, and both people gotta be up for it. Mutual consent is important. And i try to think that it's all fine and good but I still just feel.. Like there's disappointment which is one thing, it sucks but it's whatever. But I also just very quickly no matter how hard I try to just not feel anything , very disgusted with myself. I just go in to a self loathing spiral over just asking. Bothering. To the point where I overload and self injure and get suicidal. I mean for some potential clarification: Sex is something only I ask for, and I only ask about once every week/week and a half or so because my sex drive isn't that high. I have to blatantly ask because my partner is bad at both hints and even if i just try to initiate with kisses/touching in bed at night she doesn't seem to get it. My partner is trans and ace-ish. She likes being close with me and likes getting me off and sort of mentally gets off too but doesn't really have her own sexual desires except very very rarely. If I waited for her to initiate sex I'd be waiting for a few months. So it's always on me to ask and feels like I'm really the only person who wants it. Which contributes to bad feels. So I guess in my head it's all like: only I want this -> I have to ask for this -> I am often turned down -> this is stressful and uncomfortable -> I have to ask multiple days in a row almost every time -> but if I don't ask I will get increasingly more uncomfortable. So I ask if we can have sex later. And she's busy or tired or sick. OK that's fine. We can do something else.. But I'm already just like crumbling to pieces inside. And I want to be able to just shrug it off and play a game together instead. And I try. But I'm just so shitty feeling I can't have fun with it and I hate myself. For wanting this shit. For the want not just going away for a long time after she says not today. And that I'll probably ask tomorrow and the day after until we can. I don't want to want these things and I hate to think I might need these things every once in a while to be happy. They make me feel disgusting inside. I just want to be able to want what she wants as often as she wants them so I don't cause problems. And I just get all twisted up because I know that I'm upset but I don't want to be being manipulative by being upset. I know that she won't do sex stuff with me when I'm unhappy anyway so it's not like that would even work to "get my way" if that was subconsciously what I'm after but I'm still worried. Like half my upsetness is over not wanting her to think I'm punishing her for saying no. I'm just terrible and disgusting and stupid. I just want to go on birth control or anything that would nearly completely kill my sex drive but it upset her when I said that I wanted that. But the only thing wanting sex does is hurt me a lot and it's been getting worse. Sometimes I don't even ask I just skip to hating and hurting myself. I can't even just masturbate.. Because that's weird too. I can't do it with her in the room awake or asleep without feeling the same disgust I feel about sex. And I don't really have much desire to do it alone because wanting sex is less about being horny for me and more about connecting.. Masturbating alone is basically just to get to sleep or just for fun but even that is starting to make me feel miserable in the aftermath. I know nobody is ever a completely good person but why can't I just will myself to be less of a moron? Why can't I just force all of this dumb shit away and be happy and more compatible with my girlfriend? I just want things to be happy and good but the only thing that seems to be keeping that from happening is me being me. And me has always basically sucked. And I'll always be me. And I'm so tired of it.. Like I will literally get upset like above and it feels like there is the me getting upset and part of my conscience detaches and just gets angry and yells at me a lot. I can't feel feelings without that happening and giving me shit. Its so rare that I get to just be one person feeling things even happy things.. Is always me and asshole me telling me I'm a giant pile of garbage, that I'm abusive, that because i split into two I can control myself but am choosing not to. That I'm choosing not to because I want attention and things. And attention is terrible to want especially if it inconveniences someone. I'm just tired. I just want to drop dead so I don't have to deal with being me anymore. I feel so rotten at the core. I've felt that way for as long as I can remember. Everything I do is awful because I'm awful.. I must have motives even I don't know about.. I'm always hurting people and doing wrong. I know this is all stupid and I'm sorry for the brain dump.. It doesn't matter I just tired. I've been hurting myself for days and I can't feel better or look my partner in the eye. I just feel hurt and ashamed and I hate when she tries to be kind to me throughout all this because I know I'm just a piece of shit and she would be so much happier if she had never met me.. I just want her to be happy and I just want her to hit me around when I get like this
I do not think you need to be feel shitty, or that this makes you a shitty person. I can understand how you feel. My partner and I both have kinda low sex drives because we are both in constant states of exhaustion because he's hella depressed + hella dysphoric, and I'm hella burntout/overloaded most of the time, and that kinda kills your libido, but I still have the higher sex drive. And there have been times in the past where I have been upset because I'm seen him as not wanting to have sex with me as meaning that he doesn't find me attractive or love me anymore, which isn't the case! But it was how I felt. And I felt terrible for thinking that, because I felt like that must mean that I was trying to manipulate him into sex, and that I was being a total idiot for being upset about that. And of course you don't want to pressure your partner or make them do anything they don't want, but at the same time, you want to do the sexy things with them and feel close to them and stuff. It sounds like you want to be able to physically connect with her, but your sex drives and desires are clashing and it's not working. But I think, you don't want to hurt your partner. You want her to be safe and happy. You don't want to pressure or manipulate her. So I do not think that you are being abusive, from what you say. You love her and you want it to both work, but you are having a hard time right now. I can understand why you are upset, and I don't think that it is your fault, or her fault. Sometimes you and your partner will have conflicting needs. That doesn't mean it will be the same forever, but right now it might be tough. For sexual people (is there a word for the opposite of asexual? Allosexual? Is that the word people are using??? There are so many words), sex is an important way of connecting with our partners. I don't think you are a bad person for feeling that need. You are not trying to force her into anything. You are respecting her and looking out for her happiness. I think that you are doing your best. I am sorry that you are hurting yourself right now. I do not know what advice to give, but I just want you to know that I understand how you feel, and I don't think you are abusive, and I think you are a good person. Spoiler: Hug gif EDIT: Also sorry, my words are a bit odd and disjointed maybe? I've had small children sucking out all my word spoons for 6 hours every day for the last two weeks so I'm not as eloquent as I would like but uh I hope you understand me!
As someone who's been in your partner's position, honestly my advice would be: tell her what you told us. If you keep it bottled up, a) it will fester and you'll end up resenting yourself, her, and the relationship and b) she will realise something is upsetting you that you're not telling her and that will hurt her too. From what you've written, I don't think you're a bad person. Right now your desires and hers aren't compatible. You having a higher sex drive doesn't make you horrible, it's just a thing that happens. Most couples, I'm pretty sure, have some kind of libido mismatch. Hopefully you can work it out between the two of you, but that won't happen unless you talk about it.
You're not a bad person. Definitely not. Like a tiny mushroom said, sex is a perfectly natural way to connect to someone you love and not being able to have that connection, or having your asking to that connection rejected does hurt quite a lot. And your options are to discuss it with her or not be with her, I suppose. I went through a similar thing, and it really sucks, and it made me feel very unwanted and let's just say I am still dealing with it 10 years later, even. (I don't want to get into details, because I don't want to make you even more upset and I don't think it's relevant atm.) But the quicker you bring a resolution to this, even one that hurts or makes everything feel terrible, the sooner you can start healing.
What you are feeling does not make you gross or terrible. It is just as ok for you to want sex sometimes as it is for her to mostly-not. As others have said, conflicts like this are part of relationships, and talking to her about how you feel will be good even if it doesn't make the conflict go away. In my experience, a lot of the feeling of guilt and disgust goes away just by knowing I've been honest with my partner, and he isn't upset with me. Weird personal question time: have you tried masturbating while she's physically affectionate but not sexual with you? I know you said you can't while she's in the room, but would knowing that she's not judging you or being bothered, and even that she wants you to have your needs met, be different?
What everyone else said but also: You sound hella depressed friend. Are you on meds or in therapy? Because this level of self hate (and depersonalization?) sounds really excessive for the actual problem and it will probably be easier to fix the libido mismatch once you're handling the brain being a dick to you part first.
i have talked to her about it. it happens a lot so i mean, i have had to. there just really isn't much of a way to make a change. and we do eventually get around to having sex, it just hurts/sucks to ask after a week and then basically have to wait another week before the stars align and she actually has the time or feels all right enough to do it. she doesn't really reject me very often because she doesn't want to do it, a lot of what we do doesn't require her to really be aroused because she has some dysphoria limitations so i don't do anything with her genitals. she just is often tired or otherwise not feeling well, or has a full schedule because she has to do things for our disabled house mate a lot. which is another can of worms.. if he has appointments it's one thing, but he often sucks up a lot of her time for frivolous things and i can feel a little down about not really being a priority, and/or feeling like there isn't any time left for me, even for non sex stuff. and also i guess the real hurt from it isn't really because i feel like my need isn't being met.. like i can deal for a few days, i don't really get 'horny' i just get lonely and want to connect, which i can just. tolerate. it's more like.. i have to ask for it in the first place, which already stresses me out, i can't even ask for basic things i need to survive without feeling guilty, so something like sex which feels frivolous is even harder to stomach. so i stress out and bring myself to ask annnddd get let down more often than not the first time i ask, and usually have to ask more than a few days in a row. so i go into it knowing i'll keep having to bug her about this for a few days and i hate myself for it. i hate myself for bugging her. i just want to not want it so she doesn't have to deal with me asking. where her lack of libido gets involved is like.. i just wish she wanted it more so i didn't have to be the one asking every time. if she actually wanted it i wouldn't be the one initiating every time. it'd feel more balanced and i'd feel less disgusting about it. @alarivana tbh a lot of the 'sex' we have is just kissing/touching and then i end up masturbating while she keeps kissing/touching. i'm pretty okay with that and with just masturbation when at least pays some attention to me tbh but even that feels inconveniencing to 'ask' for. i'm mostly just not okay doing it when she's in the same room working or even just asleep, it feels gross. @Lissiel i'm not. i want to eventually but the process of finding a doctor and making appointments is too much to tackle.
Something about antidepressants is that they ... might actually fix this problem on multiple levels. Like, I'm not saying your impulse to just get rid of your libido is the healthiest idea, but a decrease in it is a common side-effect of most antidepressants. So, that might be another reason to see a therapist, if you can get that to happen. That said, what's her reaction when you ask about sex and it's a bad time? Does she seem upset that you asked? You're telling us that you don't want to bother her, but from what you're saying, I'm not convinced you are bothering her. Also, can you ask her in a general way, like, "I'd kind of like sex sometime in the next few days, can you tell me if there's a good time for you?" If that works, you aren't asking over and over, and it's a little more balanced-feeling, maybe.
Maybe one of the other members of the household could help you? I think getting treatment would be a really really big difference in your quality of life, esp if you are feeling suicidal.
@Lissiel i'm not sure. when we had a different insurer my girlfriend called to try to make an appointment for me and they wouldn't do it. but this new insurance we don't have to use at a specific health complex so it might be different. i could also just have her pretend to be me over the phone maybe. @alarivana she doesn't get upset when i ask ever. she just says she's not feeling up for it if that's the case. she does say i'm not bothering her and i try to believe her it's just hard to think that i'm not when i ask for the same thing multiple days in a row. maybe your general way of asking would work be less stressful for me, i just worry she'll forget i even brought it up.
also we talked a bit because at this point it's not even like i want to do stuff anymore really, i'm just continuously feeling shitty over having acted shitty and for wanting stuff which is just pointless. it felt better to just be like 'hey i'm sorry for being a dingus and making you worry about me, i love you and i want things to be better but i don't really know how to go about it without professional help, but thanks for sticking with me' so. hopefully i'll feel less gross and terrible.
^Told ya so. But seriously, congrats on telling her that. If your situation is anything like mine and @a tiny mushroom's, which it sounds like it is, this is the first step in making your relationship a hell of a lot happier for the both of you. It's not going to get better all at once but it should start to make you feel, well, less gross and terrible. Open dialogues are remarkably helpful like that. Hopefully you can get the brainthings sorted out too because that will also make things less sucky. I also know it's hard to believe people when they say you're not bothering them, especially when you're depressed (which it does sound like you are, but I'm not a psych etc. etc.), so, y'know, solidarity hugs. It's gonna be okay.
