This is a stupid topic. I shouldn't be making it. But my brain won't let it go. Maybe I'm really doing it so everyone will rush in and validate me and say it doesn't matter, but I don't even care any more, I'm so tired of second-guessing all my motives over and over again. I know some people are going to look at this and hate me for piling guilt on myself but I don't fucking care any more So last night I looked at a list of symptoms for thyroid problems and it seems at least possible that I may have said problems (I have blood tests booked for about two weeks from tomorrow as of this morning to confirm/deny; I was going to book them anyway just in case but I guess this prodded me into actual action). Which can cause depression and anxiety. So if I do, then probably a fair amount of all my stupid shit is caused by that. albedo can probably vouch for how incredibly distressed this made me last night, because, well. My brain interprets this as me having been faking all this time. Which is what I want to apologise for. That and a whole bunch of other stupid shit. So let's get this over with. First, the direct apologies. @albedo I'm sorry that your excellent support last night is not apparently enough to stop me feeling shitty about this. You did a great job, it would have been a lot shittier without you. <> @seebs I'm sorry for bugging you over and over with my stupid shit without ever having checked for simple physical causes. I'm sorry for all the fucking emails. I'm sorry for taking up time you could have spent doing things you enjoy, or your job, or helping people who need it more. Second, the more general apologies. @ everyone in the forum with significant brainweird of a similar type to my own. I'm sorry for acting as though I'm one of you. I'm sorry for behaving as though I knew that feel when it's probable that I can just get rid of my problems. More generally, I'm sorry for ever thinking any of my problems, thyroid related or otherwise, were ever important enough to take up any of your time. @ the mental health people in my area who can't actually read this but who cares. I'm sorry for bugging you over and over and being difficult and begging for help without ever having ruled out physical causes. I know you're understaffed and underfunded and overworked. I'm sorry. I know none of my shit is bad enough for a diagnosis of anything. @ the autistic people in this forum. I'm sorry for behaving as though maybe i might have it too. I mean who the fuck am I even kidding, of course I don't have it. If I have anything like it, it's too mild to actually matter. @ the trans people in this forum. I'm sorry for having weird gender thoughts that are probably a result of societal sexism or my own desire to be special rather than being real doubts, and putting them in places you can see. @ just about everyone with decent taste in media. I'm sorry for not being deep in what I enjoy in media. I'm sorry for not liking abuse/rape and preferring the comfort bit to the hurt bit. I'm sorry my writing is shallow and simple and focussed on happy endings. I'm sorry for talking about angelverse so much I know nobody cares. It's not even deep or complex or interesting it's just wish-fulfillment wrapped in the world's most boring portrayal of angels. @ literally everyone. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.
The mind is not a separate entity from the body. Your thoughts and feelings and hell, if you want to call it a soul, everything that makes up you--all of that is anchored in the wires and chemicals that make up your brain. The physical structure and chemical composition of the brain affect what and how you learn, whether you're right or left handed, how easily you wake up in the morning, whether you tend toward novelty or the familiar. In turn the things that you do and the things that you experience affect the growth and communication between neurons and the quantity and type of neurotransmitters your brain creates. There's no arrow pointing one way or the other. It's a continuous cycle. Every mental illness is reflected in the physical reality of the brain, just as every thought and feeling and perception you have is rooted there. Mental health problems caused by things we can identify are no less real than mental health problems caused by things we can't. Your struggles are no less valid if it turns out that there's something that can be done about them. You have fought for your survival and your happiness, and you have made it to this point, and no matter what happens... you're here. You made it. That's something to be proud of, not something to be sorry for. And if taking thyroid hormones clears away the depression as if it had never been there to begin with, that's the very least you deserve. I don't know if this was helpful, but I hope it was.
You're just fine, Mirrors. I'm not expecting one conversation to magically fix everything, any more than you expect one conversation to fix my mom-issues. I'm just glad I've been able to make you feel a little better. <> You're not a faker, and you're not bothering anyone. You're worthy of help and support. There's nothing wrong with questioning your brain, gender, or sexuality, even if things turn out not to be true. And being "normal" would not make you unloveable or boring; getting your brainstuff handled will give you more spoons to do interesting, exciting things. I'm not going to like you any less, and you're not doing anything wrong. And I still think that the fact that this bothers you so much is clear evidence of brainweirds.
It doesn't make you a bad person or a faker if, in looking for an explanation for why you're suffering, you temporarily settled on the wrong one. Even if your symptoms are thyroid-related, some of the coping mechanisms that work for people with depression may also help you until you can get treated. And even if your symptoms are thyroid-related, that doesn't mean you aren't hurting. If you get diagnosed and treated for a thyroid issue and all your symptoms go away, I guarantee you that everyone's response is going to be, "Holy shit, that's amazing! We're so happy for you!" not "How dare you make us waste our sympathy?!" (On a slightly downer note, I will point out that it is totally possible to have both thyroid problems and depression :( )
You know, I've been on this forum for lung cancer survivors for quite a while, but I recently found out that asbestos fibers can cause lung cancer, and I used to work with insulation in a lot of old buildings, so I'm sorry for bothering all of you now that I've found out what actually caused my problem. ... See the issue? Even if it turns out that the physical thing is the cause, that doesn't make the thing-caused not real.
Man, see, i read the op and all i can think is "idgaf if your depression is caused by thyroid issues instead of seratonin issues, this sounds hella depressed. I hope they get help with that. Also damn, those are my tastes in media too i should try to track down their fic." Figuring yourself out is not a crime, and there is not cool kids club you've been pretending your way into. Just people, who think you're actually pretty cool people too.
Hey. *pets gently* The thyroid stuff can be comorbid with other stuff. That happens too. Not having to suffer anymore won't make your previous suffering any less real, or you any less valid. We aren't playing the most disabled weird olympics here. Suffering or brainweird or whatever is not actually a condition for being a member of the forum. It's just that seebs is so awesome and accepting of the fact that people are...people, that a lot of lonely hurting people are drawn here. Also duuuuuuuuuuuuude. I like rping with pretty guys who fall in love and have hot sex because it makes me happy. Is perfectly legit. So is your angelverse. You could have a bunnyverse made of soft little bunnies who hop around in pink clouds and have tea and it's no less cool or acceptable or legit than grimdark omgterribleverses. In fact, I would rather prefer a bunnyverse to a grimdarkomgterribleverse. There isn't actually any "I can read/consume the worst media" contest. And why would anyone want to win? Winning it means hurting yourself. Your brain is being a jerk. Sometimes brains attack the thing what we feel is helping or is nice, and I think your brain might want to shame you into leaving us so you'll be alone and sad. But you don't have to listen to your brain. Because brains are jerks sometimes. Or a lot of the time.
Oh boy I wasn't in a good place this morning I would answer all of you individually because you all deserve it, a lot, but I don't think I have the requisite spoons at the moment. So I'll just settle for going: THANK YOU Thank you so fucking much. I'm probably going to keep coming back and rereading all your answers for a little while because you guys are fucking awesome and say lovely things and I love all of you (and sadly, @Lissiel, there isn't much of my fic floating around, heh, unless you're interested in weird shippy shortfics about Roman soldiers...)