i’ve been on this site since... *checks* 2015 and i still don’t have a vent thread please feel free to interact unless i say otherwise in the specific post! i both crave and fear Attention
i feel like shit i have to go weld, i want to go weld, i’m paying for a membership so i can go weld, but all i can do is sit here feeling miserable about the fact that i’m not at the shop welding i’m tired, i’m working overtime every week, this week in particular was hell, my apartment’s a mess and i’ve been spending money on takeout because i don’t have the time or energy to cook or clean. nothing tastes good. my sibling is still up with my parents so i have to take care of this place by myself and i can’t, i can’t do every weekly chore every week. i know if i do go weld i’ll just fuck it up again because i waited too long and lost my skills, and the shop is dark and dirty, and i don’t know how to use their machines, and i don’t even know if there are materials there for me to work with i don’t even have anyone irl i can talk to about it. i can’t unload my shit feelings on my sibling, they wouldn’t know what to do with it, and my mom is even more stressed and busier than me with work. i must be stressed about something else too that i don’t know about, because i’m crying about this. this is the second time this week that i’ve cried about something that i normally wouldn’t (the first was when i had to come into work after we worked till midnight the night before and the foreman said the next day was cancelled). it could be hormones? hormones don’t usually make me cry but maybe. my sibling is coming down for a week tomorrow and that will almost certainly help. at the very least they can maybe help clean and hammer down my executive dysfunction. but for now i just feel miserable. i’m gonna go to the shop now because i’m getting takeout on the way back so if i don’t go i’ll have to have ramen for dinner again and it’s decent ramen but i’m sick of it
also i’m weirdly nauseous for some reason. i don’t think the pb banana toast i had for lunch could be the culprit so i have no idea why but hopefully it stays mild. just another fun obstacle for today
tormented towards insanity by my own self-inflicted social isolation on this fine wednesday night!!! seriously this feeling always lurks in the background but it just hit me like a truck out of nowhere, I feel terrible, what the fuck
Spoiler I need more (read: any) friends but I don't know how to make them because people are boring. and then once you get to know them a little better, they're boring and annoying. and then after you've been forced into contact with them for several months by external circumstances like school, or cohabitation, you know them well and care for them deeply or shallowly but definitely care, and enjoy spending time with them and hearing their thoughts and opinions on things, maybe you grow to love them in either a platonic or romantic sense, and then one or the other of you moves away and they cease to exist because you don't see them every day. and the thought of talking to them fills you with boredom, or annoyance, or horrible anxiety and self-hatred because you are aware that this is not how you are supposed to feel about your friends. the thought of making a new friend fills me with exhaustion because that's a whole new person I've got to keep track of now, got to remember facts about and pretend to care about those facts and their life, pretend to have non-manufactured emotions about them for that whole long grind until those emotions actually do become genuine and I don't think this is how I actually work, I've always been self-centered but I remember being different as a kid, I think this is something I have caused to happen to myself somehow but I don't know how to fix it and I need to fix it because I need people, I'm a regular human who needs other humans, I need those bonds or I will continue to atrophy and wither away, I just don't know how that machine is operated because I have never been able to do this. never thought of either myself or other people as real people, I'm not sure which. and I am miserable. and there's nothing I can do about it.
I have got to learn to stop going alone to social events where I don't know anyone, every time it makes me want to kill myself. unfortunately I don't have anyone to go with. so the alternative is sit in my apartment forever. christ alive I wish my work wasn't full of homophobes and I had some coworkers I could actually make friends with.
