Intrusive Suicidal Thoughts

Aaah so I have a long history of what's likely depression though I haven't gotten a diagnosis and all through that some persistant suicidal ideation that I used to think was totally normal because I was young and didn't know any better. Anyway recently suicidal thoughts have stepped up from ideation to "I really wish I was dead and didn't have to feel this" and sometimes when anxious repeating "I'm dead" to myself as a way of sort of numbing emotional pain I guess? I'm posting this in part because I recently saw this really pretty knife on Tumblr but my eyes focused on the point and I had this really vivid momentary fantasy of it piercing my heart. This has never happened to me before and I've never self-harmed. Is this an indication of anything other than depression? Can I do anything to not have it ruin my life?

 

First of all, the most important thing I can say about this:

IF THERE IS ANY WAY AT ALL THAT YOU CAN SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP, NOW IS THE TIME.

Things can get better. Your life is not going to be ruined. It will not be magic, and it will take commitment from you to get there, and it might be a long and frustrating road--but things really can get better. I have been there. I have experienced exactly what you are describing. Things can get better.

But the fact that your brain is pinging you with suicidal thoughts over and over and over is a sign that something has gone very wrong. And it is also a bad sign that things are escalating.

Take it from me, because I have been through this whole goddamn cycle: it would have saved me a whole lot of time and money and heartache if I had sought help at the point you're at right now. It is so, so much easier to deal with things before they blow up into a crisis. (Four years of therapy and meds later and I still haven't racked up the same charge as the one weeklong hospital stay...) Schedule an appointment with a therapist if you can. Or a school counselor. If you're part of an organized religion, often clergy are trained to provide some amount of counseling as well. There might be a self-help group you can get into. There might be a local clinic with sliding-scale fees. There are so many people out there that can help you right now, if you can find a way to reach out to them.

This is not something that you have to just sit back and take and accept, and it's not something that you should accept. You deserve better than this.

If you're developing specific plans that you could carry out with the things that you have, and you're planning to do those things, you should go to the ER or call your local emergency services number, because this is a crisis. Otherwise: see a professional as soon as you can. Don't wait for this to get better by itself.

All of that out of the way: intrusive thoughts of suicide in particular tend to show up most often in the depression+anxiety supercombo (this is totally a legit psychological term guys), but are definitely a depression-associated thing. Intrusive thoughts in general are associated with anxiety disorders and OCD, but if you're not having intrusive thoughts about things other than suicide, I wouldn't worry about that at all.

You don't have to endorse the suicidal thoughts running through your head. The concept of an alief is helpful to some people in thinking about this: it's the idea that you can have an emotional response that contradicts your rational thinking about the subject, so you're holding two contradictory viewpoints in your head. You don't have to accept all of your thoughts as things that you really believe. You might cackle with glee at the thought of emotionally torturing a fictional character--but that doesn't mean you'd feel anything positive at all if it happened to a real person, and it certainly doesn't mean you endorse bad things happening to real people. Your brain can keep pinging suicidal messages at you forever, and you can just say, I don't want to do that. I don't believe that. I don't support that. You don't even have to make it a shouting match in your head. You can just let it pass you by, and know that you don't really think it's right.

That being said, that shit is hard, and you shouldn't have to do it, and as it turns out, you don't have to do it. CBT is extremely helpful in getting rid of intrusive thoughts. "Third-wave" behavioral therapies like DBT and ACT give very good results too (my approach as above looks more third-wave than standard CBT, not that anyone cares but me). Medications can make a huge difference as well--some people report having the thoughts go away entirely with the right pill dose. For me it's more like the pills turn the volume down enough for me to think, and then I can use things I've learned in therapy to actually make those thoughts stop pestering me.

I hope this doesn't come off as too pushy, or unhelpful, or what have you. Just know: I've been there, it can get better, you don't have to let this keep happening.

 

As someone who also finds the thought of being dead comforting at times, am seconding with the STRONG recommendation to talk to a professional asap. By the time you start thinking about being dead on anything approaching a regular basis, something is very wrong and the sooner you do something about it the better in every way it'll be for you.

Good news is, you have lots of options (probably a lot more than your brain will let you see if you're as depressed as you sound) and very good chances of feeling much much better than you currently do.

 

I've survived intrusive suicidal thoughts without help but would not recommend this as a smart route.

 

...Thank you. I kind of already knew some of this but it's hard to keep it in my head. I did figure out that some of this was way too much coffe way too late in the day and I was definitely right about caffeine having way too much of an effect on my anxiety levels to be something I can take even ocassionally. That said the rest of my history is still a thing and... Yeah.

@Aya I can talk with some people at my college. It's still awfully intimidating but you're right, it's a bad sign it's getting/has gotten worse. I've never formed plans, I was just feeling particularly crappy when I posted this.

@Lissiel I suppose. I've been feeling like there's no options or rather the ones that exist take too much effort for me to be able to do. But I did cut back on coursework specifically to get my mental health sorted out so I really should follow through.

@seebs Thanks.

@Morven Yeah that doesn't sound like a good plan to me either. :T

 

Yeah, that is the most dangerous part of depression, imo, the way it makes you feel like theres nothing you can do about it. If you have a mate/parent/friend you trust, it might help to have them help you work up a list, in small steps, of what you have to do. Like "call this number, walk to this part of campus, go in this room, etc" kind of small steps, since that helps with feeling overwhelmed. Like, i cant go to the councilor today. But i can walk that direction and plan to go home. And then im right outside, so i can go in, i dont have to talk to anyone... If that makes any sense? And having a non-depressed person help make your list guards against discarding real options because your brain is being difficult.

 

I have been in the same boat that you are in for years, anxiety/depression super combo shit is not fun but it is survivable. I havn't been in treatment for years but am going back once my living situation makes it more compatible in a few months. I definitely don't recommend what I did, which was stop because my parents were being difficult about supporting me and the idea of being on medication freaked me out no matter how strongly it was recommended.