Short version: I have a semi-LDR with a built in break-up-date. My pre-ex is a sweetie but has clinical-level self-esteem issues. I am having mental health issues and also a flaming crush on someone who isn't them. What do. _________________________________________ This is 75% bc I need advice and 25% because I need to vent. I tend to be theatrical, so the organization is by subject rather than time, but I've tried to present the facts/feels as neutrally as possible. Slightly NSFW? Nothing graphic, just referenced. Ok, here it goes: "Pre-ex???" I started dating/being in a relationship with this guy, 'Rob,' right at the very beginning of my freshman year of college, last year. We'd met over the summer at a thing for accepted students and gotten to know each other through email - similar interests, really hit it off and all that. Incredibly cute, the kind of thing that people instantly start cooing over if they find out. A few days into all this, he tells me that he was planning to join the Army Reserves and go to Basic spring semester. For various reasons, this made me really upset. We made a deal that when he left we'd call it an end and resume being (just) friends when he got back. Somewhere in here, paperwork didn't get done and Rob's Glorious Sacrifice/Expression Of Manly Usefulness didn't start on schedule. I was happy with that at the time, particularly because I was starting to feel better. (See below.) Spring semester came and went; he was supposed to leave early in summer break... annnnnddddddd the bureaucracy lost his paperwork. Things got rolled way back, so he now leaves in about a month, will be missing the entire rest of this school year, and is an hour's drive away in the meantime. We talked our deal over again just to smooth out rough edges, he's aware that I am planning to move on after he stops being able to visit in person at all, etc etc all very nice except for the part that's *me*. "...starting to feel better?" As it turned out, at the time I got to college I was actually battling full-blown depression and the active phase of an anxiety disorder. It was *terrible*, as I'm sure a lot of you here know from personal experience! I would have intrusive thoughts (or maybe fantasies?) of breaking up with Rob almost every day, along with all the other shit my brain was throwing at me. It didn't help that his emotional style tends to be argumentative, so he didn't believe me when I told him how miserable I was feeling, and basically gave me the 'just suck it up' speech. I started treatment for depression, and things got a ton better. I started to be *interested* in being intimate, and like, stopped crying every single night. Rob realized he'd been wrong about the source of my unhappiness; things fell into a comfortable, familiar love, and it was really nice. I kinda wasn't all that interested in sex though, which was vaguely disappointing to me since I had thought I would be. Over the summer, I dropped off the map for everyone except Rob and my high school friends b/c reasons. Although I was in a bad environment psychologically, our relationship didn't suffer at all. And Then I Got Back To School. Other People's self-esteem issues Rob, despite being like 7ft, feels like he needs to compensate for his... 'something.' Which he literally told me about last week. He has been a really good boyfriend to me, but he shows some signs of having been like one rejection away to drifting over to r/redpill and so on. His relationship with me seems to have been convincing him that it *is* possible for someone with a personality and appearance like his to have a life partner and be more domestic and be happy and so on. Because I care about him a lot, I don't want to mess up his head and am leery of formally ending our relationship before the preset end date. This would not be an issue, except for the following. The dude. The other dude. During last spring, I made a lot of new friends, most of them also, by extension, friends of Rob. One of the guys totally fit the archetype I find attractive, and I would occasionally get a zing of that when Rob was away for the weekend or w/e. I didn't really think much of it bc I liked my relationship with Rob a lot. Now that Rob is not here the majority of the time, I've realized that probably the reason I was never all that interested in Teh Sex was that he was just... super not my type, physically speaking, and also not quite my emotional type. It's not like we argued/fought a lot, but if we did it was always serious, not like. Play-fighting and joking around. The crush dude is Very Much my type. Physically A++, nearly as badly riddled with memes as I am, similar political views. Also, he makes me feel relaxed and comfortable with myself, which is a big deal for someone with an official certificate of Anxiousness. He's got some body language stuff that makes me think he might be interested back? (he also has what may/may not be another suitor) Unfortunately he is, despite being probably the sweetest cinnamon roll in the bakery and also really smart, part of a physical and social group that my parents turn their noses up at, which could get really awkward really fast. My mom has already been dismissive of my *friendship* with the guy just based on physical appearance things. Just me I've been having massive executive function issues since I got back to school, and it's actually been impacting my performance in class, which is a big deal bc I need B minimums to stay at school. I think at least some of the problem is due to the immense cognitive dissonance of having this crush on someone who makes me feel safe while still having a relationship I cared a lot about hanging around. I end up feeling like a bad guy because I want to be happy. I've tried to get rid of that mindset because it was one of the things that really reinforced the first diagnosed depressive episode, but it's hard to be convincing when the "bad guy" thing is emotionally cheating on someone. So, here's where that leaves me: Either A. "put on my big girl panties" and keep the status quo for one more month B. Leave a stable relationship to pursue someone I have shallower-based but deeper-running romantic desires for help (btw, Thanks so much to those who've previously replied to my threads. My anxiety issues got really bad over the summer and I had trouble responding to stuff. It means a lot to me to have a group I can reach out to in spite of all this)
Leave them both. Focus on school. Something better will come along. I apologize for my harshness, but I speak from experience.
I think I agree with J. At the least, I think ending with the pre-ex would be good, if only because of your anxiety and feeling like you are emotionally cheating. It would be a way of lifting a weight of your back. It would be honest to say "I don't think I can do this, it is having a bigger emotional toll on me than I expected it is impacting my grades" but you don't need to tell him the whole story and the other dude. Then... don't go into a relationship with new dude. Find yourself the space and time to work on your stuff, ask for help from friends for emotional shoring and , and give yourself the space and time to figure out more of your feelings for your type dude, and possibly other dudes. Tell your pre-ex nice things about him when you can, but remain friends rather than rekindling a flame. You are not emotionally-cheating. I mean, I understand the idea, but your feelings are valid. Feelings are messy and confusing and change, and we can't really control things like this, and relationships are complex and shifting. You are not in any way obliged to only have feelings for Pre-Ex while dating, and it is natural to develop feelings for someone else. In a way, it could be a sign that while things with him are nice, they are not what you need or want, and that is a perfectly valid feeling and reason to break up with someone. It is not correct to act in certain ways based on those feelings (like, say, asking someone out while still exclusive, or kissing, breaking relationship understanding/agreement etc), because there are better ways of handling it (breaking up, figuring out if open relationships are a thing that can be done, etc) that are respectful of all parties. You haven't done that. Feeling for another is not cheating :) I hope that helps. I know reassurances like these sometimes help a few friends of mine and their anxiety.
I think you have which of these is the "big girl panties" options backwards. Staying in a relationship that is working this badly is not sucking it up and doing the good thing even though it's hard. I think you know that leaving the relationship would be harder, but better for you. Also, somewhat seconding Raire and J: let yourself have some time to not be in a relationship. See how that feels. Adjust to life without Pre-Ex, take time to get your schoolwork under control. If you still want a relationship with other dude after a few months, and feel like you're doing well, think about that then. Honestly, I kind of wonder if he would look so attractive if you weren't seeing him specifically as an alternative to staying with Pre-Ex.
