I've been trying the online dating thing, and at first I just thought it was just the guys that were either gross or frustrating, but nope, humans. Humans are gross and frustrating. Besides the "hey baby, dtf?" creeps and the people that start calling you names if you don't answer fast enough I've run into two types of perfectly nice people that really bring out the worst in me, and I'm super not proud of it. The first one is the slighty-awkward but mostly just doesn't get social cues peeps. In theory that's a totally relatable thing that I understand and want to accommodate, but in person I just... I just can't deal. When I feel uncomfortable (often) I fall back on politeness, if the person doesn't get it I fall back on chilly politeness and if the conversation is still full of things I can't handle (pretty much anything that isn't "oh, it was fine, how was your day?" I start not talking unless it's making little snarky remarks until I can leave. I'm 99% sure the other person is way on the worse side of things, but explaining that would be going off script and ugh. It's not that I can't do it, I just get angry when I'm uncomfortable and I don't want to. The second type of person is the person who's just obviously anxious all the time, apologizes and makes a big forgive me thing before you can even ask them what you did to set them off. After a few times of this, even just over text, my caring about other people bar goes straight down to zero and I just stop dealing and end up telling them straight to stop caring what I think because it's really irritating. Then I'm not in those situations any more and I realize I'm the anxious/depressed/neuro-divergent person's boogieman. I feel really bad about it, and send them a message explaining the sitch and be extra nice, but all it seems to do is reset their expectations back to tender and hurtable. Explaining beforehand (when possible) never seems to help, or I just lose a date. I'm 100% on the dark side of social interaction here, and arrrrgh ;_;
I am similar to you, actually. I find overapologising and being really anxious a very strong turn off, especially in men. I cannot handle it in other people, I already have such tendencies of my own that I have to manage. I think as long as you are not deliberately cruel or using mean nicknames, it's fine not to be interested in talking to random people or in coddling their feelings. Online dating sites put anyone through the wringer, really. And if you don't accommodate the things that annoy you, maybe people will learn that doing those things will get them nowhere. (Online dating is optional, therefore, if you put yourself out there, you have to be able to deal with disinterest from people or outright "yeah not my thing", despite the reasons for them.) Screenshots/logs might help a little to interpret since I am not sure I am getting it right, but it's not expected.
I think the trouble with the overanxiety is that it then gives me massive anxiety wondering what I did/ can or cant say to this person. I ramp up past freakout mode super quickly and then I'm just like screw it, I can't deal. I do have one example of this in text, but it's really extended with a lot of buildup to make sense, and screenshotting 10ish images or transcribing it all sounds soul sucking. Unfortunately meeting up with people in person is when I have the bulk of my issues, especially the falling back on social niceties. If I can just set the phone down because I'm uncomfortable with someone it's not usually a big deal. When I'm sitting in a restaurant with a stranger- well come to think of it I guess I could just get up and drive away. Genuinely not sure if that's ruder than slowly amping up the chilliness as my discomfort grows or not. Growing up there was HUGE pressure to be always polite, follow the expected rules of conversation, etc, so that's kind of my fallback and if the other person doesn't/ can't pick it up I just sort of desperately entrench myself deeper in it until I end up making small, polished little comments like "well, you're clearly a god among men, then." If I could fake being comfortable I think I would, if only so I wouldn't feel cripplingly guilty once the stressor was gone, and it hasn't happened with everyone I've met irl, but- idunno. In the moment it feels like a choice to be shitty to another person, even if I don't know what else I would do. does that make any sense? I'm just kind of rambling.
I get bit of a vibe that maybe you have some other stuff to deal with? I hope that's not rude, but online dating shouldn't really be this emotionally taxing as it sounds from your first paragraph. And that's cool, don't trouble yourself with screenshots/transcribing on my behalf. No need. What are the things men do that make you uncomfortable/bored/tired/want to leave irl? Specifically, I mean. What would you ideally like to do when a date becomes boring or you know you do not want to spend time with this person? If you were not held back by social pressure or stuff? You are rambling, but that is okay. Is it fine if I ask you questions? It sounds like there is something you want to figure out, and I have personally found it helpful to be asked questions because people have a different perspective on stuff than you do, often.
Sure, ask away =) As far as I know I have is social/generalized anxiety and depression, plus super little socialization growing up (homeschooled, and my parents were/are arguably borderline shut ins) so truthfully interacting with people outside of contexts like work or pre-established friendships are pretty difficult for me. I wouldn't say it's exclusively men I have an issue with, though I'll grant almost all the "Hi" > "how are you?" < "so horny right now" messages I get are from guys so that probably skews my perceptions. The first really uncomfortable date I went on was with a really sweet, intelligent person that I'd been texting for a few days beforehand. He was really nervous and awkward himself, and I didn't ask but I got the impression he maybe had a mental something going on. Aside from some chest staring he wasn't really impolite, just spent the time telling me about his life interspersed with questions like "so what do you want to tell me?" or pursuing a casual comment way past the realm of comfort, and talked about how wonderful it would be for him to finally have a girlfriend, and he was sure the same for me. I just really didn't know what to say through all of it, got super distant and fled as soon as I could. He continued to be really sweet over text, but I just couldn't handle the discomfort irl. I've had two more in that vein, a boy and a girl, and neither seemed anything but shallow and maybe a little predatory, but if there's any kind of mutual awkwardness for whatever reason, my fallback is pulling back and being distantly pleasant, followed by, y'know, jerkitude later on. I think maybe I should mention that I don't feel like there's things I want to do if I didn't have to be polite, but more that small talk and distant pleasantness have sort of predefined rules. It's kind of a soothing mechanism when the other person is on the same wavelink, and when they're not I still feel calmer because I'm... on script I guess? Sorry it took me so long to answer, I'm not sure if I answered your questions helpfully or not, but it took some thinking how to phrase what I came up with :)
You aren't held to any time to answer here. Take as much as you need. :) This is important complicated stuff, and can take its time. Is interacting with people difficult because you don't know what to say? Do you feel it's something that could be improved if you met more people? Maybe a hobby group or something that gives you common ground. Because practicing talking to strangers who you do not want to date is 101 stuff, talking to strangers you are dating (aka evaluating if you want a thing with them) is a bit more complicated. Those "hey sexy I am horny" messages can also be letter flooding. Some people approach online dating in that they hit up 100 people with the same message, and if they get even 1 that leads to actual sex, they are satisfied. Or something. That date sounds uncomfortable indeed! "So what do you want to tell me" actually feels rude to me, because on a date one could be polite enough to ask direct questions like "what do you like to do?" or "what's your favorite off-work hobby" and so on. That question itself is so wide, it's like those guys who only say "hi" as a first message and then expect you to engage. Also talking about how he wants a girlfriend seems super insecure and weird to me. I entirely understand your reaction, I would have likely felt the same. I don't think it matters much that he's sweet over text, if you are uncomfortable, it's over. Like, that's it. If you are uncomfortable, you're done, I think? Because you don't have to go through with dating people who make you uncomfortable. What's the jerkitude, though? Do you mean the sarcastic comments? I am inferring from your original post that "god among men" comment was a sarcastic one. If you mean those, then yeah, that is a bit unnecessary and possibly a defense mechanism. I think it is soothing if you are on the same level with a person, the conversation flows and it's cool. Or even if you are silent for a moment, it's nice.
Gonna chip in and say those questions feel pretty rude/uncomfortable to deal with in general. I'm not super great at smooth conversation in person myself, but if you have the space to explain the issue to a person it might help to ask that they stick to small talk or give you space to recover when things start going south.
Ah, indeed! Basically, the only blind date I have ever had...well. To be honest, his whole demeanor and the way he held himself as I approached made me decide I was not attracted to him, but I wanted to be polite. He told me I was the third girl offered to him, I think like a minute after we sat down? So rude. :/
Wow that is so rude! Does he think girls are fruit platters or something? (Hope it's okay if I butt in).
I don't even know. Talking to him was as hard as yanking teeth from a horse, I was extremely disappointed at having to do most of the conversational work. idk even.
Blind dates kind of intimidate me. You could get lucky and hit it off and you're attracted to each other and it goes well, but...what are the chances of that. Probably pretty small. There's a whole lot of potential for that to be really awkward and unpleasant. So I've never actually had the courage to go on one.
