This will probably turn into a general vent thread later, but today has been a bad mental health day. I literally have a headache because my brain found some fun new intrusive thought buttons to spam (and how it has spammed them!) since I stopped making the old ones work a few years ago, so I guess that's a thing again. I'm so tired.
broken brain summary: (my brain is shit and I want a refund) definitely A Thing: -actual depression + anxiety diagnosis -dyspraxia (self dx, but I am 100% confident in this) -pmdd (also a self dx but I learned via journaling and keeping track of my suicidal days that they happen like clockwork around my menstrual cycle. Even if my depression is pretty stable for awhile it immediately tanks. Some afab people get cranky as a symptom of pmsing. Me wanting to fucking die 24/7 is just a symptom for me pmsing.) probably A Thing: -pure O OCD (should probably be in the above category but I am very cautious about self dxing after going through a phase as a teen where I self dxed myself with like half of the dsm) -on the autism spectrum (results inconclusive, impossible to untangle autism symptoms from disorders that I already have.) I am pretty sure that my problems are caused by getting the genetic equivalent of a loaded shotgun filled with mood disorders, but even when I talk to some of my family members they can't relate. People in group therapy struggle to relate because it's just... worse. Also this has been my entire life not just starting during my teen/young adult years like when most people develop anxiety and depression. I was also born extremely premature so that's probably where the dyspraxia comes into play. and I don't even have the spoons to talk about other environmental factors like abuse, but that is also a thing that probably didn't help. I AM SO TIRED.
I am feeling a little better this morning, even though my headache is getting worse, probably a migraine. anyways I am pretty embarrassed that I posted this here and didn't just write in my journal or something but it's cool, I needed a catch-all thread for my own junk anyways instead of constantly posting it in other threads
ok so today I learned a very valuable lesson that I will go out of my way and seek things out that I know will upset me, and I think this ties into how attempts at self improvement often fall flat if they deal with something that takes a lot of effort to go against my anxiety. and I have to question why do I do this to myself. I don't know if I am necessarily comfortable in misery if I want to improve and I will also take steps to avoid what hurts me too. But it feels like I am half assing it even when I feel like I am putting in the maximum amount of effort that I can. Is it because I see myself as a fuck up and a bad person? Do I want to turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy? Am I actually doing my best but don't have the spoons for recovery 24/7 365 and am being way too harsh and critical on myself? "not being hard enough on myself" is a possibility, but I feel like I actually have been trying and putting in effort, so the idea that I am just not trying hard enough or that I don't want to try hard enough because I actually like feeling bad is upsetting. I feel like I am just making excuses and need to stop doing that and shut up with the pity parties if I want to get better, but it also feels like I keep hitting a wall and even though I am trying I can't do it alone. So I am simultaneously wanting to be really hard on myself and really kind to myself at the same time, and it's really not working. but none of that answers the question of "why do I do these things I do" and the answer could be "uh, you have like 3 mood disorders on top of a disability and you are just now trying to deal with trauma" but I don't think that is satisfactory because so many people I like and look up to have the same problems if not more and they can manage to do things and succeed without whining about how hard it is.
I seriously have no idea what to do with this information. I'd like to use it to stop sabotaging myself, except I don't really know how to stop sabotaging myself. Because "just stop doing it!" is about as helpful as telling a person having a panic attack to "just relax" like if I could just not do that then I wouldn't have this problem in the first place. Do I have to be nicer to myself and have a btter self image so I don't feel the need to hurt myself? Or do I have to be harder on myself so I have a sense of self discipline? I'm leaning towards the former because there are some areas in life where I have a lot of self discipline, but the later feels more natural. Like advice someone else would give me.
i think that the former's prolly the better way to go, tbh. maybe being more okay w/ yourself will lead to better self discipline in the areas that you feel you lack it by virtue of having a more stable ground to build off of? idk how much sense that makes edit: shit, am i allowed to reply to this? i can delete if u'd rather keep this 4 urself!
I'm not even sure if it's a self discipline issue, or if I'm just pissed that I can't bootstraps my way into doing everything I want or need to do. Like, most of these problems the solution is "just do it" so saying "I can't do that because I'm anxious/depressed" doesn't feel like a good reason to not do something. Especially when it's something that I really want to or need to do, and there a ton of people with the same challenges who do shit just fine.
I want to clarify when I say people can do shit just fine, I don't mean it's not hard. I just see people struggle but succeed and even thrive, but I struggle and fail a lot, and when I do succeed it doesn't feel like a huge accomplishment because the things I succeed at are really basic (and the things I fail at are also really basic) so it's like I am trying super hard to bring myself up to a baseline of not being disabled, and that's hard to really accept because nobody in my life see's me as disabled in any way.
nah you're good you're making sense and I like it when people respond to my venting. (this forum needs a group hug emote)
I think my mom's disordered eating habits are rubbing off on me. A few days ago I was legitimately upset because I had a headache and it felt better after I ate dinner because it means that I hadn't been eating enough, when I already felt like I was eating a lot of food. Today I actually felt shame, because I had cheese and crackers as a lunch (and later as a snack!) because I didn't feel like making myself anything to eat. Like, I've felt bad about what I look like before, but I usually don't feel bad about eating in general. But my mom has been obsessed about losing weight lately. I'm not even looking to lose weight, I just don't want to gain weight.
Today I had an anxiety attack about eating, have been vaguely suicidal, and now I have a massive headache. Gotta love PMSing Tomorrow will be a better day. I think. (I mean, probably not and this is going to be my life for the next week or so, but I can dream.)
