List Of Maybe Symptomatic Occassional Brainweird In No Particular Order

Okay so I decided to try and write stuff done that I think might be actually brainweird, when I notice it, so that when I actually manage to get a therapy/diagnosis dealie thing going I can just show the person my notes.
Also I wanna encourage people to share their opinion on whether I am crazy or not, y'know because I think my brain is fucked up but maybe not who knows.

soooooo in no particular order the following are things:

• I am INCREDIBLY bad at organization and list-making. I get super anxious about to-do-list to the point of crying breakdowns when my mom tried to make me do them. Just thinking about trying to make a list of things to get done today is already making my chest go -clench- and the tears start welling up.
• My feel for time is weird, very irregular and mostly non-existant. But I also forget stuff like watches or actually looking at my phone regulary so I basically do not know how late it is unless I am anxiously obsessing over the time because I need to be somewhere.
• I also don't know how to prioritize time management. I will literally spend half an hour drawing my eyebrows on and be late rather than go out without filled-in-brows.
• I forget EVERYTHING. I forget assignments, chores, which day it is, appointments, EVERYTHING. I just remembered I have an appointment TOMORROW AT EIGHT SO I HAVE TO BE SLEEPING ACTUALLY FUCK FUCK FUCK
• I have trouble finding misplaced things, not because they are hidden, but because I misremember where I put them and cannot get my brain to seriously look anywhere than where they expect the thing to be.
• I will procrastinate a lot even on things I actually enjoy, mostly because I am afraid I will fuck them up and then everyone will hate me for being a useless failure.
• I hate phones and refuse to call beyond incredibly scripted 'Will be home in x amount of minutes according to my public transport thing, see ya'
• I swear to god I WILL MURDER THAT TICKING CLOCK I WILL PUNCH IT WHY DOES IT TICK SO LOUDLY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
• furry fruits are abominations and should be killed dead.
• looking at things like cooking PLUS tidying up after myself will lead my brain to omit parts of the task (especially the tidying up parts) for reasons unknown
• I sometimes agree to things without being aware of it, when I do something else, like read or watch a thing or whatever. This does result in very angry parental units occassionally.
• I have no skills that are marketable in the capitalist economy so I am a huge failure also I am not good enough to be liked by anyone, who would ever like me I can't even do things for people most fo the time.
• I can paraphrase some randomass documentary on Otto von Bismarck I watched when I was ill three years ago but I couldn't tell you what I did last week without possibly screwing up the order of events or mixing up what happened on which day and who it was with. Or what I ate. Only applies on bad days.
• I cannot reliably localize and or identify the following: pain, hunger, thirst. Pain can be everywhere at once or in hugely differing region when the only thing wrong with me is one thing (example: period cramps PLUS lower back aches, PLUS muscle ache everywhere PLUS migraine because fuck me. If the period cramps ease up the rest does too. Also I almost always have a headache too when something else hurts, or a stomach ache). Hunger is identified by either 'rumbling sound' or 'oh my I sure am dizzy... did I eat today? oh shit i didn't eat jackshit today fuck fuck fuck', while thirst is 'Oh I am dizzy and headachey and my lips are dry and cracking.... Did I drink anything apart from coffee today?'
• I do not see untidyness or stuff like that. Like I am sometimes just incapable of seeing this stuff it doesn't register as 'empty coffee cup', I DON'T GET AN INTERACTION PROMPT I CANNOT PRESS X TO MAKE A THING HAPPEN HERE THE GAME IS GLITCHED
• If I panic I sometimes visualize dialogue options and shit like that, which then makes me feel bad because thinking of other people as npcs is asshole behavior.
• Eye contact is a thing I have to be reminded of
• I dislike soft/airy touches that aren't premediated and get very grumpy very fast if strangers bump into me
• I try to minimize the physical volume I have to occupy in an effort to avoid people touching me. Sadly people take this not as 'personal space still the same just less likely to brush limbs on accident' and more as 'sweet more room for me'
• I did go nonverbal during a memorably terrifying bout of hysteric crying, I suspect my general problems iwth coming up with cohesive sentences leading me to shut up when its loud and chaotic may be slightly less severe nonverbal episodes too.
• I have had a managed caffeine addiction since I was like 13. If I don't drink at least one cup of coffee I get massive headaches. Additional cups are because coffee has replaced all but one of my comfort drinks.
• I get texture troubles with some wools which makes internet shopping for yarn annoying. Why is merino so cute but so tingly.
• I am easily excitable about my hobbies and will STEAMROLL YOU IN INFO IF YOU LET ME
• I am vastly unaware of a lot of mood stuff unless I am having a particularly attentive day when I will accutely pick up on shit. Usually if I am doing a Thing which I was preparing for, like a party, or a LARP event I will have an easier time to devote focus to emotional antenna-ing.
• I hate loud chaotic social gatherings unless I am portraying a character who loves them. No this doesn't make much sense. I can sort of turn off my social awkward when I am doing acting and it is weird.
• I could trip over a pile of clothes, and literally fall on my face and my brain wouldn't give me a reflexive 'maybe you should put this away' unless I am actively thinking it that way.
• Incense stinks and I cannot breathe, this is why I'm not catholic oh my god. (Is this even brain stuff or a legitimate allergy idk)
• I cannot be trusted with money I am SO BAD at impulse control. Makeup and Clothes and Shoes in particular if its for LARP
• I lose track of numbers and dates quickly and cannot do maths in my head well at all.
• I have a sort of general fear of becoming dependant on medication and hating to take it, despite taking allergy meds for like seven years now, oral contraceptive AND prescribed pain killers that I am SUPPOSED to take once stuff starts hurting
• Unless I go anywhere I will not dress and I will not showerm that would wasting energy
• photosensitivity (again might be actual medical stuff not brainweird)
• I obsess and perfect and I beat myself up (sometimes verbally out loud) when I do not get something aboslutely right.

I think that's all I cna think of right now? as I said I have an appointment with an optometrist in seven hours so I should be asleep ahhh

 

Oh hey also I was seebs' "intrusive thoughts of eye trauma" anon, so there is that.

 

Okay so: at least 3/4 of this is classic inattentive-type ADHD. Forgetting to do things, failing to notice things that are literally right in front of you, impulse purchases, to-do lists causing massive anxiety and being SO HARD......... I Am Not A Psychiatrist but this is really really familiar. And then ADHD often gets paired up with anxiety and depression because OH NO I FUCKED EVERYTHING UP AGAIN. Particularly in inattentive-type ADHD which is grossly underdiagnosed and so people (and generally, eventually you) assume that it's a personal failing or a lack of putting-in-effort rather than a thing that your brain just isn't built for.

Sensory weird (especially texture) is associated with ADHD but can also be an autism thing, and the eye contact thing may also be a bit suspicious. I mean, I have a ton of tactile issues and I'm told I don't do eye contact "right" but I'm relatively sure that I'm not autistic (for example Seebs's "what if sticking a fork into a disconnected power socket" thing makes me nervous just thinking about it). But! It's worth considering anyway.

 

I think I had a seebsian 'you might be autistic' stamp thing!
oh yeah also, apparently horrified whispering 'but those are strangers' when teach asks us to organize a field trip to a place and talking to the people on our own is enough to be ridiculed when you are in university WHO WOULD'VE KNOWN

 

Talk with my mother resulted in her doing the 'This is not symptomatic you are normal and just stressed' dance and now I am doubting myself again.
Am I actually weird in the brain or just not good at handling stress? what of those things is stuff I should be concerned about.

 

I invite you to take an ADHD screening test. Here's one that I found on Google.

I would genuinely be willing to bet 50 USD or more that you have inattentive-type ADHD based on what you said in your first post.

A lot of parents play the "you're normal!" game with their kids because they don't want to believe their kids are fucked up. Parents of people with any kind of mental disorder have historically been informed that it's Their Fault that their child has brainweird. And brainweird makes someone's life harder, and no one wants their offspring to have a harder life than necessary. So denial-denial-denial because accepting that something could be wrong is too horrifying. (My mother once literally told me that I couldn't have a depressive disorder because depression is terrible. This was the sum total of her argument; there was no reference to whether I had a bad enough life or anything like that. Just that depression is bad and so I could not be depressed.)

Also: inattentive-type ADHD is massively underdiagnosed. AFAB people with ADHD are more likely to have inattentive-type ADHD. AFAB people with either inattentive or hyperactive ADHD are underdiagnosed. And ADHD doesn't magically go away when you turn 18. So a lot of mothers parenting children have ADHD themselves, but they don't know it, and they believe that ADHD symptoms are normal because it's normal for them. I can't speak to your family situation, but if your mom has some of the same problems that you do, that could be something that's happening as well.

You know what? Here. I'm going to copy-paste your bulleted list and bold everything that is directly symptomatic of ADHD, and italicize everything that is experienced by a lot of people due to ADHD.

Spoiler

Don't doubt yourself.

 

Test says ADHD is likely, mom swears i never exhibited symptoms as a child, which is BULLSHIT, I was a super scatterbrained child and would have forgotten my head if it wasn't permanently attached to my body.
The only reason I didn't really have academic problems was that through some random blessing most schoolwork was interesting enough for me to not completely tune it out, also I quickly developed doodling-so-i-can-listen-better.
Also I'm good at auditory learning and memorizing so. Spoken word is really easy for me to remember, in vivid detail.

I also react SUPER badly when people make fun of me for losing/forgetting things and I overcompensate by being hyperprepared. I know almost no one who carries around regular pain killers for OTHER PEOPLE even though they have prescribed painkillers of a different type that they are supposed to take. Also bandaids and a sewing kit and sweets. When I first cut my hair short I still carried around multiple hairties in case other people need them?
But yeah my dad made fun of my losing my wallet at the dentist last month while I was already panicking because I couldn't find my wallet and I would have cried if I hadn't been on an anti-anxiety pill for the surgery I was about to have and also already panicking about. Thanks dad.

ETA: I'm pretty sure my dad has ADHD and was never diagnosed and because he is sort of well-adjusted (albeit shouty and sometimes accidently-mean) he thinks people with his trouble should just suck it up.
Not sure if my mom has anything in that category, but I doubt it because my mom is SO GOOD at organization with like planners and lists and stuff. The miracle of skill-I-will-never-have.

 

Okay so I've been now told I pick up on subtle wording in for example films accutely and am pedantic enough that three people have pointed it out. That's, in context, quite a lot because I don't really have an extensive social circle.
There was another thing I wanted to point out but
haha
I forgot it

 

Holy shit
so I'm going on LARP con tomorrow and that means packing.
And I feel like crying because I'm about 89% convinced I forgot something important but cannot figure out for the life of me what it is andmy mom put her foot down about un- and repacking and I am feeling really really shitty.
Idk I just. Maybe I should just unpack the bag again and check for everything. Fuck.
EDITTED TO ADD: this is upsetting me so dramatically because I genuinely love being a massive nerd beating up other nerds in the forest and I WANT TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS WHY AM I SUCH A WRECK????????

 

If logic helps: most larpers I know are helpful and some are amazingly hyperprepared. I assume it's similar in your region. So it seems likely you'll manage even if you did forget something important. Like, I'm pretty sure you'd have fun even if you forgot every single part of your costume and weaponry.

 

ty <3 and I know, larpers are nice like that. At least all the ones I know are.
I have everything important for the costume and weaponry, turns out I forgot to pack additional socks which is really kinda stupid because I get cold easily so.......... but that's nothing to freak out over so massively, bluh.
I also know my crew has my back but I also know that a lot look to me for makeup supplies and bandaid stuff especially because I'm the makeup person lmao. But I should have everything apart from some hygiene stuff I still need tomorrow morning and a pillow which I still need for sleeping on tonight.
I tripplechecked my meds-bag, I should really have everything.
Also I just noticed there is NO WAY i can bring my heat up mattress because power cable and now I'm just SADFACE because I kinda dont wanna live without my beloved heat up mattress. I will just have to bundle up extra tight during the nights :U

 

Do you want to borrow my fluffy cloak next time?

 

Nah it's cool I might buy a coat or something fancy at some point but it wasn't too cold

 

wow all my skin hurts
and is kind of massively oversensitive to the touch
like soft brush against my arm hurts like a motherfuck levels of sensitive

not sure if actual physical cause or brainweird so putting it here
I might need a different thread to chronicle my 'Everything hurts and my blood refuses to display the correct values: an autobiography of medical frustration' somewhere

 

guys I really fucked up
I was so fucking CONVINCED this trip was from the 12th to the 17th and that's how I got my work hours scheduled and I'm just... it's not. It's really really not. It's from the 5th to the 9th, exactly in the ONE WEEK these holidays that I get work. I am crying over this right now. how can one person be so fucking stupid I LITERALLY LOOKED AT THE DATES BEFORE clearing my scheedule with my boss. My brain is absolute fucking garbage i want a fucking refund this is such bullshit how is this happening I HAVE TWO WEEKS TO FINISH MY SHIT
shit shit shit shit shit shit

 

I think I can't even reschedule I will probably not be paid for an entire summer AGAIN because I will have to cancel the whole thing and I can't really afford this at all and People were Relying on me and i am such a disappointment

someone please just kill me already so I can stop being a waste of everything

 

Just busting into this thread to say I hope it turns out okay somehow, and also "been there done that and omg it fucking sucks", and that you aren't a waste of space, people mess up, it sucks for everyone involved but it does NOT in any way make you a 'waste of everything'.

Also, hugs and/or fistbumps of support if you want 'em.

 

Thank You Q_Q
Called in to work just now, only got the Answering Machine. Hope someone calls me back with options or something.
Mom talked me down form another freakout because I have to sew like three things in 2 weeks, plus decorate a wooden chest and prepare a herbal medicine recipe book and a magnum opus in an alphabet I am not quite fluent in anymore (Look who offered writing something in Sütterlin when they haven't used it in literally twelve years. I am so good at the no-stress-game), sort stuff together and try not to completely lose my head during all this.

 

Good luck! I'm glad you have someone to talk you down from freakouts, it all sounds super stressful.

 

-wheelies in and revives this thread by dunking it into the nearest mythical well.-
soooooo feeling both not quite real and too heavy at the same time. want someone to tie a weight to my ankle so i won't feel like floating away
emotions are currently somewhere around 'error code 404 element not found' and 'this is weird why is everything weird ugh'