(warning for brief mention of potentially skeevy parental behaviour?) Okay, so things finally got bad enough with my anxiety and depression that I went to see my doctor this morning. He was incredibly good about it (he is my fave doctor) and I've been prescribed sertraline. Thing is, despite suffering with a fun anxiety/depression combo for probably most of my life, this is the first time I have even considered (voluntarily) going down the meds route because a) meds were often used as a threat when I was younger to get me to behave (read: stop doing inconvenient things that were the result of my anxiety) and framed as a negative thing, and b) I have always been absolutely terrified of the idea of meds in general because childhood trauma (side-effects scare me - particularly the ones that may mess with my sleep schedule). Spoiler: context on why i am afraid (I physically struggle to talk about this because it makes me feel stupid and literally sick and repulsed and all those good things, so I will probably skirt the topic a lot and hope it still makes sense, sorry.) Basically, when I was small I had a lot of traumatic surgery bc leukaemia. As a result of this I developed a fear of anything that might make me need to sleep a lot because involuntary sleeping = scary and bad (and also makes me feel not in control). The idea of this alone makes me want to vomit and gives me the shakes and this is the main reason I have never tried meds before because I'm profoundly scared of side-effects that might lead to this happening. And while I know that things might not even be that bad (and that side-effects usually get better with time anyway) my anxietybrain latched onto stories I've heard and is convinced that it will be that bad and I don't know how to get past that. I know I'll know soon enough what the case is for me specifically, but I feel so upset just thinking about it and it's messing me up? What if it is that bad? I can't get the knee-jerk fear reaction to go away because it's been with me for like... nearly twenty years. I am irrationally scared and I want things to be okay. And the other reason meds scare me is because of how often they were used as threats by my parents, and also because there were a couple of occasions when I was pretty young where I was forced to take things involuntarily that I didn't want to take because of the aforementioned fear (this includes a brief stint on SSRIs and a couple of instances of being guilted into taking herbal remedies that did nothing but freak me the fuck out) and this meant I started to see meds as being symbolic of a lack of control because every experience I had of them was one that I had no control over? Because nobody ever really tried to communicate anything with me and the feeling of powerlessness was profound and awful and pushed pre-existing trauma buttons and... yeah. I know this is all ancient history, and I should totally be over it right? I know that I'm in control now and nobody is trying to make decisions for me, and I'm taking a huge step by facing this, and yet it's also just... really hard and I am struggling to hold onto positive feelings. And I know this is all irrational and it's the fear of the unknown that is mainly messing me up, and I'll soon know what the situation is when I start taking the damn things, but I'm just really scared? I know this is stupid. I just wish my brain would understand that it's stupid. Because it is just so stupid? And basically I would just really appreciate any reassurance/positive stories re: experiences with antidepressants/also a bit of a reality check, maybe? Because anxietybrain has gone wild sinking its nasty talons into every horror story I've ever read (and also just the things I perceive as bad and scary anyway bc aforementioned irrational fears) and it would be so incredibly reassuring to have something I can look at to remind me that this is a good and positive step I'm taking, and not a scary and bad one like my brain is trying to convince me it is? Like... I can't really remember what "good" looks like for me in terms of my mental health, because stuff has been pretty bad for so long, but I know I'm currently overwhelmed by anxiety, demotivated, struggling with executive dysfunction and just generally not... enjoying things. And I guess I kind of just want reassurance that facing this is worth it and that things will improve? I'm really sorry if this makes no sense, I hope it's okay to make a thread about this (idk if there's anything like this already - I was too scared to look in case I accidentally upset myself oops) I'm just so confused and conflicted and kind of panicky and I just would really like to hear a voice of reason because mine doesn't work and this is the only place I could think of to ask. Spoiler I'm really sorry, this is incredibly stupid and i wish my brain would just shut up. i'm sorry for rambling. im sorry if this makes no sense. i feel so stupid right now.
Depression and anxiety hit me hard in my early twenties, and I was lucky enough that my husband recognized the signs thanks to his mom's history. I pushed back against the idea of being on meds because of a lot of reasons, but realized maybe there was some merit when I stood in my kitchen one night holding a knife and emotionlessly wondering which part of myself I should hack off first. The very first medication I was prescribed was the one I'm still on today. It worked. The side effects were manageable -- some nausea and dizziness that I mitigated by taking the pills at night before I slept -- and the world became less scary, less terrible. Life seemed like something I could handle again. I could feel things other than nothing, terror or grief. In my darkest hours, I wondered what the point was. I wondered why I couldn't just move PAST this. I wondered if being on pills was just turning my eyes from the obvious truth that everything was terrible and existence was a big fat joke. But I went through it anyway, and when the urging of my husband and his mother didn't move me, something else did, a sort of fatalistic thought: what did I have to lose? I could always kill myself later. You're not stupid. You're scared and your brain is trying to kill you and it's awful. But, in my experience? It is one hundred percent worth trying. It always is.
Okay, first of all, mad props for mustering the guts to talk to your doctor about it. That was SO hard for me, and I didn't have the complication of trauma that you have. I am seriously impressed right now. Good job, A+, gold star!! Second, I have had a lot of success with antidepressants. It did take a fair bit of adjusting types and doses (complicated by losing insurance and moving and stuff) but it's been so worth it. I can describe my personal experiences if you'd like. :) IMO, Kintsugi is a good place to go "is this normal? y/n" because there's such a variety of experiences here. Chances are someone will pretty much always be able to relate to what you're talking about. Advice Time: As you're taking meds, it might be a good idea to track your mood somehow so that you have a record to refer back to. Doesn't have to be a daily journal, if you can do one, that's very good, but I just Cannot, it gives me... anxiety lol... But there's other ways! Having a devoted vent thread where you can go "today sucked because xyz" or "a bad thing happened but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be?" isn't just nice for letting out thoughts, but the forum format acts like a record in itself. If you've got an appointment and you need to talk about how things have been, bam! Already written in your own words! Plus the added benefit of letting other forumgoers offer you advice if you want.
(Words honestly can't express how grateful I am for these replies. Thank you so much for taking time to respond because I am so thankful and basically crying. Things feel slightly less bleak. Thank you.) @Ruevian I'm really glad things worked out for you. I'm not doing so great with words right now, but basically it's a huge relief to hear firsthand that everything is not hopeless and I am definitely going to try. Thank you so much. @Shingleback Thank you. :) I would be interested in hearing your experiences if you're happy to share? Anything that can help my brain look at things rationally rather than through the terror lens is massively appreciated. Also thank you for the advice - I recently got a mood-tracking app that looks pretty decent that I think will probably come in really handy for this (and it's pretty easy to use and hopefully won't be too overwhelming to complete on a regular basis?) and I will definitely throw things into my vent thread when I need to (I have a review appointment in three weeks and I always panic when I'm put on the spot and forget stuff that I want to bring up and so this is super good advice). Honestly I don't think I would even have had the confidence to make it this far if it weren't for the fact that I've been lurking on here and seeing other people dealing with their stuff. Like, it's still terrifying, but I am so grateful that this place exists.
So I used to be scared of meds too. Then my life hit the shitter and with encouragement from kintsugi peeps and like, I decided that the risk was worth it and I started pursuing mental health care. My first two drug attempts sucked. Partially from my own stumbling over how things are supposed to work and my new doctor who wanted to help but wasn't super drug savy. Then I got a psychiatrist. This helped a lot and she explained protocol that helped with my own brain weasels. Like, they will say if things get "bad" call them. But what was bad enough? What if the symptoms would go away in a few days? Should I just endure them? Therapist explained that if there was anything weird or unpleasant, call(and more details on that particular process cuz it is not exactly straight forward). She explained that even if a symptom would go away, I should call because they were the experts and could either reassure me it would go away(and call back if it didn't after x days), or could determine if I needed something else or if that drug was not good for me. Sometimes they would call to check up on me. So far, the first drug my psychiatrist has had me try has been doing well. And it really helped me that I knew I could(and how) to contact them if things weren't great. And personally, you may benefit from a therapist to help untangle those feels.
Hey! I'm so impressed that you did what sounds like a really really scary thing. That's really brave. I was pretty resistant to the idea of taking meds. I balked for a long time and wouldn't see the doctor about it. But finally, I was so miserable that I decided to do it. My doctor prescribed citalopram, and it's the one I've been on ever since (with a few dosage changes). My side effects were/are pretty mild: for the first couple of weeks I had some mood/energy swings, as well as lots of yawning. It never made me so tired that it disrupted my sleep, and things settled down quickly. Now I'm very accustomed to them and I have very few noticeable/bothersome side effects. Definitely talk to the doc if the side effects are really bad, especially if they make you want to not take the drug. In general, it can sometimes take a lot of tweaking and trial to find the best medicine/dose for antidepressants, because people can respond very differently to the different types.
It might be helpful to remind yourself that this time you're in control. You're an adult now. You decided to see the doctor about meds (and good job you, for doing that!). You can decide if you don't like the side effects - this one makes you sleep too much? Ok, tell the doctor that, and if their diploma is worth the paper it's printed on they'll help you find a different one. You can even decide you don't want to take antidepressants anymore (although please, tell your doctor first so they can help you taper off; going cold turkey is miserable). You're 100% in control here. It took me a few tries to find an antidepressant that worked for me (I take an SNRI but it seems like doctors start out with SSRIs), and honestly my worst experience was that one made me cry a lot. In retrospect, I think it gave me the energy to have feelings without elevating my baseline mood. So I told my doctor, and she agreed that yeah, that wasn't how it was supposed to work, and I was switched to something else.
Remember, if yoyou have side effects, you can always switch medication. my first attempt at antidepressants ended up with me having horrible nausea for a month, but now I'm just fine on wellbutrin. I could have switched sooner, but I wanted to tough it out and see if it would adjust to it in time. Benefits: Feeling more stable, fewer crying fits, way fewer obsessive negative thoughts. More accepting and forgiving of yourself when you make mistakes. not having to rely so much on whatever coping strategy you are using to keep yourself sane, even if you do fall down the despair hole, it's easier to work around it or calm yourself down because those feelings aren't so sharp. 10/10 would highly recommend.
I was on sertraline for a number of years, and the theoretical "drowsiness" wasn't much at least for me. Increasing my insomnia on the other hand... If you are looking for an easy to read, less technical version of the info you would find in all the pamphlets/on Drugs.com/similar sites, you may want to check www.crazymeds.us They are pretty accurate from both what I've heard and seen myself, and the descriptions are written to be helpful, clear, somewhat amusing, and with less jargon, instead of sticking as close to the FDA descriptions and wording as possible. Their tagline is "Finding the Treatment Options that Suck Less" and I've found it very helpful in actually finding out how likely a specific side-affect is, how likely it is to go away, etc.
Thanks so much for all the replies and positivity. I'm a lot less panicky and generally more positive now, and everything feels more in perspective. Mainly I'm just looking forward to finding out whether these are going to work for me or not. (Also realising that it is possible to discuss stuff like this casually without it pinging all of my squick buttons has actually taken a huge weight off my shoulders and that in and of itself has helped massively.) I'm sorry for freaking out so much initially oops Spoiler: so far my worst side-effect is insomnia. the irony. it hurts. (tangentially related grumbling) Anyway, I have been taking my pills for two days now and I suddenly can't sleep for more than about two hours at a time. Which... is messing me up a bit because I completely failed to account for this and I had to go to work this morning exhausted and with major jitters which was... distinctly not fun (and I don't know whether the jitters were just the result of lack of sleep, or whether it's completely separate...? It felt like being on the verge of a panic attack for several hours, which was unpleasant.) I've been taking them kinda late in the evening, so I'm hoping if I take them earlier or in the morning that might help? And obviously just... waiting for it to hopefully go away is a thing too. I keep trying to remind myself that it's super early days (c'mon brain, two days is nothing. what are you doing, calm down) but it's just frustrating because it is making work feel really daunting and horrible because anxietybrain is always hopelessly concerned about the short-term. I probably wouldn't be worrying so much if I didn't have a 9 hour shift ahead of me tomorrow? @kitarakir thanks for the link, that's so handy to have. Also, if you don't mind me asking, did you find the insomnia was something that went away over time (or was otherwise manageable)?
It stuck around for me, but I'm one of the people who get insomnia from the depression itself, so it was building on that. Switching to the mornings did help somewhat though. There was one point where I was not able to sleep for more than 90 minutes at a time for several weeks back when I was taking the pill at night, and that left me really twitchy. If all else fails, ask your dr about sleep aids. You probably won't want to go for something like ambian. I ended up with an RX for Trazadone to use as needed to help get to sleep/stay asleep. It's an off-label use, but it seems to help a lot. Sometimes the less common drugs are a better option when you have specific personal issues with common side-affects, so if your dr tends to stick with the main/major ones, you may have to do some research and offer suggestions, or get a 2nd opinion.
