I know *of* Star Trek. I've seen two of the reboot movies. I have never actually watched any of it. It is available in the UK on Netflix. (Columbo is not.) Gonna watch one episode at a time and post my first-time impressions in this thread. Enjoy.
Spoiler: Pilot: The Cage Space! Spaceship! More spaceship! And titles! Ah, cheesy greenscreen. Aaand ship bridge! Spock has the first speaking line. There's something out there! We can tell on account of the... screen wobbling. And red blinky light. No evasive manouvers! Strong Manly Captain-type will deflect the probably-meteor WITH THE INTENSITY OF HIS STARE ALONE. Oh it's a radio wave Science! Space science! Strong Manly Captain-type has no time for old distress signals. Random beachgoers on board for some reason? Calls up Doctor on your SUPER FUTURISTIC FLIP-TOP COMMUNICATOR. Goes to lounge on bed casually as he's on the way. "I didn't say there was anything wrong with me..." Captain is sending out some signals that aren't getting any response either, here. Doctor has brought booze. Captain lounges back on bed. There might be hope yet. Captain is Chris, and is Tired Of this Shit Damnit. Doctor Phil has some wisdom to impart. SPACE FAX! Oh hey that guy has a bandage, that fits in with the whole "they have injured on board". "And this music that plays whenever we warp, *THAT* I'm really tired of." SPACE JACKETS Well, there's definitely Sci-Fi Noise happening on this planet. Goddamn noisy space leaves. "Oh, they were... right over there." "So, fellow Brains, this is that new 'Star Trek' program yu have been talkign about? I must say I am not impressed. ... Although that captain guy is kind of cute." Raised by wolves. Well, raised by a bunch of old nerds. Same thing. Oh boy, they have a Secret. WE DON'T EXIST! PSYCHE! Lasers! DRAMATIC SPOCK. Oh they've put him in the Big Dumb Ugly Dudes exhibit. SPACE SLIDES They have big brains, they could probably zap us with mind bullets. "....wtf is this bullshit." SPACE.... UH... MONGOLIAN THINGS? THAT ROAR, APPARENTLY "...oh that was dumb, can't believe I did that." ...okay this is getting very creepy. "Please let me... pelase you." "I don't think you can actually do that on broadcast TV in this decade." SPACE MINING LASERS. Whoa, epilepsy TW. ...this is so very weird and creepy. Ooh, callback to the "I have two horses back on Earth" thing. Goddamn space ship-pushers. You know, the two leering dudes are not exactly helping, there. Actually pretty interesting mindscape/dream stuff. Nifty, Meanwhile, the Enterprise crew is trying to deal with mind bullshit. Oop, they're trying to snag just the girls. Captain Chris: "Filling my mind with primitive emotions..." Veena: "How long can you keep it up?!" Yeoman: "naw, he's got this, we're okay." Girls, don't undermine each other, that just works in favour of your captors. A-YOINK! Wow, this "creating the illusion the special effects didn't work" thing would really save them on special effects. This time we're beaming in one by one to increase tension. Oooh, poor girl. :( At least she gets a Dreamy!Kirk. (Man, the Japanese would pitch a fit over this.) Goddamn it Pike, hallucinations while being held captive do *not* count as time off. And let's just bury all that uncomfortable sexual tension where it belongs and never speak of it again! Space, everybody!
Spoiler: Season 1: The Man Trap Slightly better special effects! William Shatner! Kirk and McCoy are having banter. Oooh, Nancy is looking different to each person. OMINOUS. Wrigley's Pleasure Planet? Ah, there's the opening credits. To seek out new life, new worlds... and to provide medical exams for scientists living on alien worlds, apparently? Hm, why's he so un-co-operative? "Seeing her with the eyes of true affection?" Oh, the guy on the landing party who's not a Main character is found dead, and we get the McCoy catchphrase! ...why do they need salt. Uhrura: "Okay, Officer Spock, you obviously have no idea how to flirt, so let me give you some pointers. Actually let me give you a whole script." SPACE MICROPHONE HEADSET Intense Captain! Kirk is cocky about peppers. There's the salt thing again! Professor still un-co-operative. But Kirk is not impressed. Two more non-Main Characters down. THAT CREWMAN IS A SPY Oh (s)he's's after *that* beauty. And there's George Takei and his SPACE GARDEN! The Muppet-Plant is agitated. Oh noes, Uhrura. :( PHew. If only they'd just given him/her that salt shaker! Actually very tense wandering around Enterprise shot! "I like your feelings better" ...that's not ominous at all. These tight, claustrophobic shots are so effective. THAT DOCTOR'S A SPY Wow, he's angry. SPACE PROCEDURE! PEOPLE WALKING AROUND! Things are deteriorating on the planet. And meanwhile, Fake McCoy is joining the Commitee For Finding Infiltrating Creatures. That's not gonna end well. Teamwork! Why is he so weird? Buffaloo are extinct in the future. "Can you recognise it when you see it?" *looks away from McCoy* Wow, Truth Serum? That's some seriously last-century stuff. Green-blood Spock. Oooh, tough confrontation... Kirk she is not a dog Spock makes a convincing argument. The saddest faced monster. :( Everybody's had a really rough day. :( Welp, time to move on.
Spoiler: Season 1:Charlie X Captain's Log! New shirt on Kirk? Fancy. Well that was... awkward. Is this where the trope of "psychic autist boy" comes from? I guess he's mostly "not well socialized", but still. "That human is not shaped like us other humans." "Is that a girl...?" Kirk: "Oh he's got so much to look forward to learning." "Its mission: to seek out strange new worlds, new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before, to provice medical checkups for archeologists on remote planets, to deliver chili peppers to space stations, and to introduce poorly-socialized space boys to women." Dr. McCoy raising some reasonable questions. But wild-raised space boy has answers. Aw, poor wild boy wants to be liked. SPACE MAINTENANCE! Maybe Kirk is not the best for explaining why not to slab girls on the bum. Hehe, trying to decide which of them will give him The Talk. McCoy and Spock are arguing and Kirk seems familiar with the pattern. Spock rockin' the Rec Room on his Space Sitar. Uhrura, that's kind of mean. I don't think they're laughing *with* Spock. Oh, she does that with various guys, I guess. He does card tricks, huh. Sorry Kirk, no foisting this off on Bones. The lad's imprinted on you. ...Kirk you are really bad at explaining this. Now why would the Antares want to transmit a warning? And why would you say "It wasn't well-constructed", ominous young man? SPACE CHESS. Psychic kid is sore loser. ....yeah there's a lot of socialization needed here. Hm. Just... attraction? She's the prettiest? Or is there something more? Is she on the right "mind frequency"? Kirk don't smile like that, the kid's heart is gonna be broken. Oh dear. They are really skirting around the broadcast standards, are they. Yes, that's called "Being a teenager". And possibly-autistic but mostly just not very well socialized. See Kirk, you may be not the best person to talk about this but you are the one he's most likely to listen to. SPACE CARTWHEELING Kirk is showing him how to recover from a fall. ...subtle. SPACE JUDO Wait, why is Kirk not wearing a judo shirt? ...Charlie don't make people go away. That is definitely classified as "rude". Oh that lighting has definitely escalated. STARING. Whoops. All phasers gone. Wow, Spock, way to be a downer. "Uh, what was 'responsible' again? Because I'm pretty sure I'm not one of those." STARING. See, the problem with killing people who don't like you is that eveyone is afraid you'll kill them next, and then it becomes a Hat Loss Scenario. ...more staring. I mean, yes. Battle of wills. But sitll. Damnit Charlie. Charlie you cannot define "nice" only by what you want. okay the no-face thing is going too far "Like you said, that's how the game is played" Uh... when? ...don't taunt Kirk about his ship. That is not nice. THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ DEMANDS YOUR PRESENCE. How you make friends, Charlie, is....pretty much the entire opposite of what you did. Oh, he's losing it. Well, you tried. Yeah, you know, with role models like that, it's probably even worse than being raised by ship records. ...wow. That's a prefunctory reassurance. And once again, everyone has had a long day and let's just try to move on.
