Med School or Bust -REQUESTING ADVICE-

Background: I've got the classic Sweet Anxiety and Hella ADHD combination, with a side of Probably Autism and occasional guest appearances from depression. Since I was a wee Ronling, I've wanted to go into medicine. My first attempt at college got magnificently derailed by ADHD and writing anxiety, and I ended up tanking into hideous, soul-crushing depression in my freshman spring semester. I moved back up to Philly. Started seeing my therapist from high school again, started working for my dad, got my english comp requirements out of the way with online courses at a community college (and getting over my writing anxiety in the process). Became more certain than ever that medicine was the Thing that I want to do with my life. Worked my fucking ass off to tear my anxiety and depression out by the roots instead of just trimming them back.

A year and half after dropping out, I'm living at home and enrolled at Temple as a full-time student. I was going to just do this as a 'dry run' before going back to my original school, but I'm actually liking it a lot, and I think I might stay here for undergrad. My anxiety and depression are better controlled than ever. My ADHD is still the same shit as ever - pretty controlled by the meds, but still an issue. I'm about halfway through my first semester, and doing pretty well so far - certainly leaps and bounds better than I've ever done before. There's a helluva road ahead of me, but I'm excited to see how it goes.

The idea is that this is going to be...kinda a "give me advice" thread, kinda a diary? I post updates regularly, occasionally ask for advice if/when shit gets hairy. A way to confide my current academic status and worries to the void of the internet, safe in the knowledge that none of you know me or are in any position to judge. God willing, eventually it'll be a log of how I got through this stuff and managed to get into/through med school. *knock on wood*.

Edit: Commentary/advice are welcome any time, btw! I might ask for advice on specific things sometimes, but in general it's just an open season. I need all the help I can get, lol.

Current situation: Last day of spring break. Studying for midterms. I'm so used to going to the library to study that I'm kinda shit at studying at home. I think clear delineation between "work spaces" and "relaxing spaces" is something I really need.
My midterm progress report for one class (that I'm actually doing well in grades-wise) was 'unsatisfactory' and I'm 99% sure that it's because I'm on my phone in there all the time. I really need to break myself of that habit, or at least tone it down a lot.
I feel...weirdly on edge. There's a vague anxiety that I'm on the edge of slipping. I certainly took the 'easy' route into spring break, and that's not good. Skipped a gaming club meeting. Forgot my therapist appointment yesterday. Nothing big, certainly nothing irreparable, but I look at them like a sailor looking at an ominous cloud on the horizon. I know that I'm probably good for all these classes - but "probably" isn't good enough. I want to be certain. I can't let myself play dice with my grades. It won't cost that much energy, none of these are especially hard. I'm pacing like a prizefighter before an uncertain match. I think when I get back to school tomorrow I need to take some time to size things up again. Make a battle plan for the second half of the semester.

 

I swear by lists. They give me a battle plan, they cut everything up into segments, and I can put things together that belong together.
Something I've been doing this semester has been adding things that aren't school things, but still things I have to do - like hang with friends. As my old abnormal psych prof told us "Good stress is still stress."

edit: whoops, you didn't actually ask for advice in that, so if this is unneeded i'll get rid of it.

 

Oh no, I appreciate it! Sorry if my wording in the OP was unclear. I meant for it to be kinda open season for advice + commentary - other people's perspectives are really helpful for me. :)

 

Status update: My concentration wasn't great today either, but I feel a lot better and less overwhelmed by the task at hand. Getting back to school helps a lot, I think - it's a lot easier to concentrate there. I could probably talk more but I'm getting a headache so I'll call it quits for tonight.

 

I'm not sure I have any specific useful advice, but I wish you well.

 

Status Update: I've got an appointment w/ my therapist in a bit so this'll be brief for now: both my exams on tuesday went really well. One of them I know I at least got a high B on, and the other one (that I was actually kinda afraid I'd done poorly on) I got back yesterday with an A, so. That's definitely a relief. My other two are going to require a bit more preparation, but they're not until the 25th, so I can breathe a bit for now. Thanks to everyone for their help and support so far.

 

Status Update: Have been kinda shit at getting homework done these last couple weeks. Worried again about slipping. :P One of the tests coming up this week had a super comprehensive study guide, so it shouldn't be that bad. The other one...boring, dry material in massive quantities. God fucking help me.

I'm gonna hole up in the library this weekend and try and Rambo my way through it all. Hopefully I'll be able to get sort of ahead again, so I can breathe easier.

 

Status Update: Finished with the tests, obviously. The one I was worried about (that I got a 73 in last time) I got an 89, and the other I haven't gotten back yet, but I feel pretty confident I got at least a 90. On Sunday I came into the library and got a start on my two final projects; now I'm ahead enough that I feel pretty confident about those. The issue from now until finals is probably going to be staying on top of my regular homework, and starting EARLY on studying.

The Rambo-style studython was a mixed bag, results-wise. It accomplished what it needed to, but my concentration (and my productivity) were definitely flagging by the third day in the library. I think that I've got to alternate my study time with dedicated 'relaxation' time, or else they start to bleed into each other (and I'm shit at both).

General anxieties/things I need to get sorted:
-I missed an appointment I was going to have with my advisor; I need to reschedule that, so I can register for classes ASAP. Just emailed her about that like a goddamn champ.\
-Alright, looks like I'm good to go? Gotta figure out what classes I'm taking, then.
-Some kind of spanish quiz??
-Need to do discussion board responses

 

URGH. Last few days have been terribly un-productive. A bunch of old habits and thought processes have come up and started curbstomping me. I absolutely fucked up on that spanish test, and I had an International Health quiz that I didn't even know about, and I sorta bullshitted about period cramps to postpone that, and I blew off my therapy appointment, and.....CHRIST. I'm not fucked yet, but I'm in free-fall, and the ground's coming up to meet me, and I need to pull an arrest real fucking quick. I can see myself falling into escapism hardcore - Breaking Bad has been eating my life, and not in the cute "I love this show so much" way, in the "my fucking broken-ass piece of shit brain can't stop me from watching this show instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING productive, and shit's piling up".

Okay, list of things that are fucking me up:
-Haven't been eating well. I've been drinking too much caffeine, and that + the effect of my vyvanse has been SERIOUSLY fucking my appetite. I've maybe been having one and a half meals a day, plus snacks. I need actual fucking fuel in my body.
-i need to stop drinking fucking red bull at all hours of the day. I CANNOT pull off caffeine addiction. The cost is a million times larger than the benefit for me. I need to deal with that.
-this escapism is a symptom of some anxiety, and i need to find it and pull it out by the root.

 

If you can, schedule meals with other people for a few days, even if it's just "hey you want to come over and have sandwiches tomorrow" or something similar. At least for me, I'm a lot more likely to eat if I'm surrounded by a bunch of other people eating food.

Make sure you have an upcoming therapy appointment scheduled. If the one you didn't go to was the last one you had blocked off, then that means call in and make a new appointment. Go in as soon as you can.

Get rid of any red bull you have lying around. Just out of there. Gift it to the first sad-looking freshman you see if it comes to that. If you need to not have it, then don't have it. If you've been buying cans one at a time, try not to carry small amounts of cash around.

My personal method of dealing with avoidance problems is derived from many years of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing in video games: find the path of most resistance. That's usually the one you need.

 

Re: the caffeine, it may be interacting with your meds, yes. I suggest cold turkey. Give yourself extra time to wake up and don't be surprised if you get sleepy earlier. I say this as a law student who quit caffeine for two quarters entirely, during the most stressful academic experience of my life, and it was actually better--I didn't realize how much caffeine affected my depression-irritability and my anxiety. Agree about the food, too. If you prefer to eat alone, you might be able to set alarms to remind yourself to eat. A kitchen timer. A promise to yourself that you'll eat at X time. An alert on your phone. Something. I do this too, and when it gets bad I have a set of phone alarms for that purpose.

Is there a way that you can treat Breaking Bad as a reward instead of an activity in itself? "If I finish X thing that takes me Y amount of time, I can watch an episode of Breaking Bad as a reasonable break before going back to work." I think you're correctly linking it to anxiety-escapism, but after a while (especially with depression-ish floating around out there) you start treating the escapism as something you have to do in order to feel okay, and it just leaves you numb. For me if I go too long like that the activity itself makes me anxious. Would it happen with any other show, or is there something about Breaking Bad in particular that's snagged your attention?

 

Good god I let this thing drop for a while. Hope no one minds if I necromance it.

Aaaaanyway, time for a long belated end-of-semester Status Update: The world did not in fact end because I watched too much Breaking Bad for a few days, or had a few days where I listened to podcasts more than studying, or turned a few things in late. My brain sure as hell wasn't perfect right out of the gate, but it wasn't doomed for failure either; I got out of the semester with two 83s, an 88, and a 96.

My classes next semester are chemistry, anatomy & physiology, spanish, and some dumb required highschool English reprisal called "mosaics" that I am not at all looking forward to. But at least I'm gonna get to dissect things, so it's not all bad.

My arch enemy this semester was Quantitative Methods For The Social Sciences, which started at 5:30 pm. Going to this class after a long day at school and trying to parse a lecture about ANOVA methods, while last reserves of spoons and Vyvanse drained from my body, was an experience not unlike repeatedly slamming a car door on my tit. To that end, I decided to stack my schedule for the upcoming semester as early as possible. I even put my two labs at 8 am, to make sure that I hit them with my full reserve of spoons.

I'm really looking forward to the next semester - I've learned a ton about myself, and I've made massive progress on so many skills, so I'm really excited to keep the ball rolling.

In the mean time, I'll be working as my dad's plumbing apprentice all summer, mostly putting in accessible bathrooms for elderly people with mobility issues. PVC solvent and old person funk: the smells of summer.

 

Congrats!

You did a great deal of work and I am glad you learned stuff. :D

*insert congratulatory smiley*

 

Heyo, look what time it is, it's Start of the New Semester Status Update-o'clock!
First, the bad news: I got my wallet stolen today, literally less than an hour after I'd gone and shelled out $20 for a replacement school ID.

There was only about 15-20 bucks in there, and I already cancelled my card, so it's not that big of a deal money-wise, but replacing everything (the school ID, my state ID, my debit card) and switching all my online payment info over for the new debit card is going to be a major pain in the ass }:\

NOW THE GOOD NEWS: Everything is looking pretty fucking sweet so far wrt academics. I stopped in at the health professions advising office today to get the ball rolling on switching to a major that'll work better for pre-med requirements, and I got some info on shadowing opportunities and the things that they offer help with. I also went on blackboard and printed out all the syllabuses that are available so far, which puts me far ahead of my previous track record of printing syllabuses either a) 3 months into the semester or b) absolutely never. All in all, I'm pretty hype for what's to come.

 

Starting a new semester. Did pretty well last semester, B+s and A's (save for totally screwing the pooch on chem lab: mostly my fault, but I suspect that the TA also just didn't like me very much). Going forward, I'm looking to tighten up my act even more - I always wind up losing a grade/half a grade to simply letting small assignments slip, and that's fucking stupid of me - if I do subpar in a class, I want it to be because I'm legitimately getting fucked by the material, not because I'm letting an easy 10-15% slip through my fingers. I've got a few more writing-focused classes that I'm not super enthused about, but the topics are up my alley at least. My plan with the papers is to get started on them at the earliest possible date, and then just squirrel them away until the due date so I can focus on A&P and chemistry in the mean time.

I've noticed that as the semester goes on, my daily avg. spoon count slowly but gradually decreases - spoons are being consumed at a slightly higher rate than they are being replaced. This manifests in a greater amount of less-than-optimal behaviors (doodling and not paying attention in lecture, putting in half-assed work, letting smaller assignments slide, not taking care of my room, overspending on comfort food/treats) as I try to conserve and replenish enough spoons for the "big" things - exams and the daily grind of tackling difficult material all day every day. (NOTE TO SELF: 70 mg of Vyvanse, a liter of coffee, and a banana does not in fact constitute adequate fuel for a full day, particularly not a day where you got all enthusiastic about fitness and spent an hour and a half at the gym. Finish this once you're got some protein in you.)

 

As far as food goes, speaking from grad school--if you can afford to, look over your schedule, figure out when the really intense weeks are going to be, and then buy pre-made food for those. Hit the low spoons food thread for suggestions or just go through the frozen food aisle...but honestly, my decision to buy somewhat-overpriced frozen grilled chicken for my last finals week was one of the best of my life. If I had to cook during that week it would've been a mess.

 

Guess whose back to school exercise asthma and cold air sore throat wound up festering into full blown bedbound-all-weekend bronchitis? (It me). Guess who is unbelievably fucking glad for the modern miracles of Z-paks and methylprednisolone? (It DEFINITELY me). Guess who's also super glad that she went overboard on working ahead at the start of last week, because it means that she doesn't have to play catchup even after being out of commission for 5 days solid? (You get the picture).

Anyway, another tool that I'm trying to use this semester to make sure assignments don't fall through the cracks is a modified version of the daily to-do list. My issues with the traditional to-do list have always been:

1. Looking at a giant sheet of everything that I could conceivably be doing right now, from studying chemistry to vacuuming my ceiling fan, gives me (mental) hives - My brain just sees a block of TOO MANY THINGS, I wig out and get paralyzed.
2. To counteract this, I make "abridged" lists, cutting off anything that I don't deem immediately necessary until I have a list that's short enough to look at without freaking out. Because responsibility is basically a binary function in my brain, this means that everything that doesn't make the cut gets sent off to a nebulous "not even remotely important, don't even think about it" cloud.
3. My judgement for what's important and what's not important isn't always stellar - it's frequently driven by anxiety and stress.
   
4. Items get lost in this shuffle a lot. What makes it onto the list on any given day is basically a function of "what responsibilities do I remember off the top of my head", and the borders in the tri-state area of "I don't want to do this", "I don't want to think about having to do this" and "I straight-up forgot this even existed" are always super murky with ADHD.
   
5. The old "need a to-do list to remember to make my to-do list" paradox.

Instead of making a fresh list every day, I make a list at the start of each week of everything I'd like to get done that week - assignments, studying, working ahead - as well as any other major spoon uses that I have planned. (I've been doing this on-the-fly so far, but I'm going to try and start making several weeks in advance soon, as well as putting together some monthly calendars to cross-reference with). Then, I take a separate sheet of paper with each day until Sunday written on it, and start divvying out the items on the list to different days, cross-referencing with my class schedule to create a reasonable (not overwhelming) workload for each day, until every item on my list has been assigned. I keep this sheet in my backpack all week, and check it frequently to figure out my next task, or my goals for a day. I've attached a few of these list-and-schedule pairs so you can see what I mean. It hasn't been in action too long, but so far it's worked pretty well, and I'm going to try my hardest to keep it in action.

 

Status Update: I hate writing I hate writing I hate writing

Seriously, I'd forgotten what a godfuckingawful spoon drain writing a fucking essay is. It's eating up all my time and organization and coping ability and I hate it so muchhhh. I've got a fucking a&p lab test tomorrow and notes that I need to take and a religion project that needs doing and I haven't made up my to-do list for the week and I h a t e not being on top of shit.