Me: Anxiety, depression, ptsd from shitty raisin'. I am in a low level of terror at home like every second a parent is home (dad or stepmom. especially stepmom. like. she's so intense that when she's gone EVERYONE is calmer.) I stopped going to college full time because school is not a thing i am good at, and i am putting it off until i can human better. i got a job a month or so after returning home, lost it after a week because i sleep through five alarms somehow even though i get 7-9 hours of sleep. now believe this to be a symptom of stress. i sleep like a log unless someone knocks on my door and then i shoot awake like a startled pup. Cried for an hour, went home, got another job in a couple weeks. this job went better, i lasted a month. finally though, even the much-better patience of this boss (helped by me actually mentioning i had some problems) ran out and i lost the job. it's been a few days. things that have happened: stepmom has said that if i can't keep a job and I'm just going to be fucking around at home all day then i can be the family cinderella. she has -50 respect for me or my issues. she is one of those people who had depression for a few months and it went away and thus she thinks all depression is the same as hers was and I'm a lazy little shitheel. also: one of our cats has been missing for a week. i did not notice because she is often outside and i was not home or awake often enough in the past month to notice her being missing. 'well maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass you'd notice things around here' bitch please. anyway, considering i am able to get the heck out of dodge, i am. i didn't want to, i like this town and i wanted to keep the job and move out and hopefully get better at showing up to work after my living arrangements were less shittastic, but my nana decided to be flaky on being my cosigner and i had to wait longer to get an apartment which stressed me the fuck out and then well job went buh-bye. However, i have about seven hundred dollars, so i bought myself a ticket to the east coast and I'm gonna move in with my mom, get me on some more meds, get a therapist finally, play some skyrim, be a badass big sister to my smollest brother, and snuggle my mom. then after a few weeks or so imma go back on the job hunt cause after having a job it is odd to not have one, and also money is nice, and perhaps eventually i shall become roomies with a pal i have who lives a state away from mom. or i'll get my own place. the important part is i am moving forward. and getting myself to a hopefully more positive place. i only regret that i'll be leaving my other little but not as smol brother to the wolves. he has aspergers and ADD and the kind of depression they see as straight up not-give-a-shittery so thats a bummer. but maybe we can get him over here next year when he hits eighteen. who knows. anyway imma leave on the tenth and hopefully i can get packed and shit don't hit the fan, and if shit DO hit the fan its after I'm packed and i only have a few days to go, so i can just grab my shit and wait it out in a motel. I'm tired.
