This is my bro's blog. He's awesome, but he's been struggling with a lot of stuff for a long while now. Spoiler I have a big decision just ahead of me, which already makes me pretty miserable. I am almost done with my PhD dissertation. I have already written the thesis, and after reviews, revisions and exams I will probably get my degree (some time towards the end of the year). It has been long and arduous 5 years. On my second year, I went for an internship in a Danish university, and I changed the topic of my studies. I have met some people there - most notably professor N., who has helped me considerably with the research, getting contacts in the academia, and with the industry. He still supervises my work. I didn’t get much help from my home university. I have three options now. I was offered an one year contract with the Danish university, and during that time a possibility of getting employed as an assistant professor. I would have moderate teaching hours, access to great laboratories and administration, and would be involved in big international projects, with a wage of around 3000 euros per month. The price to pay is quite hefty. I would have to start a new life in a foreign country - something that really scares me. I have already spent collectively over a year in Denmark, but those stays didn’t serve me well. I am quite lonely and miserable there. I have always had difficulty making friends. I sometimes have depressive episodes, which makes me question whether I would really manage to make it work. I would have to abandon my home, my family, my cat… Every time I had to go, I would feel stress and anxiety for weeks beforehand. I think I’ve had my share of excitement of living abroad already… I already made a preliminary agreement for the next stay, but no contract yet. I haven’t made any preparations yet. And now I have my doubts. I would have to leave within a month. I don’t even know how to get out of this, if I choose so. I feel obliged to professor N. for all the help and kindness I received from him. And I would maybe disappoint my parents. This job has no guarantee of becoming a permanent position. If I don’t manage to secure it, I would have to flee somewhere else and start the whole thing over and over… Another option is staying in my home university. This would be mostly a teaching job with many hours, but still I would have to find time for research. I would get paid maybe 700 euros per month. Maybe. And I wouldn’t get paid for the preparation hours. I would have to deal with all the administrative duties and other shit (that I got to experience over the 10 years I spent in that university). The university is not a good one. There is hardly any top-level science and projects going on there. Still, I would get to stay in my home city and be around people that I know. And it’s probably a decently stable employment. I could also seek other job opportunities. I have friends in IT, whose recommendations I could use. I would earn 1000 euros within a couple years. The job is not boring, but nowhere close the career in science. Plus, I’m quite afraid - not being an assertive person - of dealing with business restrictions. And if I really can do anything… I don’t want much changes in my life. I am not a naturally happy person, but I suspect that this - the life that I have now - it’s probably the happiest I will ever be. It can only go downhill from now, whatever I choose. I really don’t know what to do. It’s a big life decision. I could use some advice. I would really, really appreciate if you guys gave him some good advice. Note: NarcDad will probably try to pressure him into taking the first option (on the other hand, our home university is a shithole. But I'd rather take that than loneliness and depression for a year, far away from home.)
Bro, don't go to Denmark. Who cares if you get to put your name on big projects if your personal life is miserable? I think being honest with Professor N about not wanting the job as soon as possible would be a professional courtesy. It gives their university enough time to find a replacement and shouldn't damage the working relationship. Most people aren't going to blame you for not moving to a new country. Since Professor N seems like a good connection, also maybe ask him for a contact or job recommendation in your own country that's not at bad home university? You're going to have to practice the art of shutting down parents when they try to pressure you into something you knows is bad for you.
