Not sure if this is the right board for this, or whether this is the kind of thing to make a board about at all, but I have all the social awareness of a rotten log and really really don't want to ruin my friend's day just because of that. So I do, in fact, desire some general advice on that. Details, in no particular order, and questions: Spoiler: tw for pet loss and my shitty toddler's understanding of the entire subject My friend Tweeted about his friend dying on a Twitter account followed by four people, including me. I'm not sure who else knows. Probably his family. I have no details on how his cat died, whether he was expecting it, whether he was there when it happened...I do know his cat was very old, but he hadn't said anything to me about his cat's health lately that would suggest that this was coming...although I also don't know if that's the kind of thing he'd tell me about if it was happening. I've been friends with this friend for several years, and he's been basically the only person I talk to outside of my family (and like, the one post I make on here every six weeks or so when I remember something to talk about). He has a lot of friends besides me, but sometimes feels like he's not very important to any of them (or that he's not the most important, at least?). He's the most important friend to me, though, obviously. I can visit this friend IRL without too much trouble, but it would be unprecedented for me to do so without having announced the intention to do so weeks in advance. We generally communicate via internet. I see him IRL about once or twice a year. I've seen this cat once. He was a good cat. My friend warned me that he wasn't one to take to strangers, but he face-rubbed my petting hand twice, so I like to think he accepted me. He hasn't been doing great lately, so I'm very worried for him. His job's terrible, one of his friend's hospitalized, and, like, the world sucks in general, so he's not feeling optimistic about things. I am, but that's only because I'm very stubborn and willfully naive and am planning to outlive every bad thing ever. I've never had a pet die. I've never had a person die. I have no experience with looking at death from the perspective of the surviving party. My relationship with death is awkward and bad and I would be very happy were it not to exist at all. (I'm kind of worried that it's inappropriate of me to share so much information about my friend with a bunch of people he doesn't know, but I don't think there's any way for any of you to know who he is?) So, with that said: I want to help my friend. I also want very much not to hurt my friend. But what option do I have here to definitely avoid hurting? Ignoring the issue's definitely bad, I think, but pressing him to talk about it might also be bad? I understand that some people like to talk about those they've lost to process it, but maybe he doesn't want to talk about it, and that's why he didn't elaborate on it already himself, and it'd hurt him to be pressed to elaborate when he hasn't expressed any desire to do so. I know he's currently consuming some fiction that has pet death in it, should I warn him about that in advance?? Is now a bad time for him to be hit with that kind of thing?? aaaa......aa
I don't think it would be out of line to say something such as "I heard about your cat, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" and maybe offering to spend some time with them in person.
I don't know the kind of person your friend is, but expressing your sympathies for their loss to them is fairly normal to do. Let them know that even though you haven't experienced loss of loved ones much yourself, you're there for them and that it's okay if they want to talk about it or not. I think that way it gives them more room to choose if they want to do so or not too. I don't think it would hurt to offer to spend time together, but depending on how they're grieving it may be good to give them time before actually hanging out.
...I fell behind on keeping this thread for various reasons, most of which involve the absolutely terrible speed at which I do things. Um. Here's what I meant to say earlier. One: I did end up talking to my friend on the day I started this thread, expressing my sympathies for his loss, asking him if he's okay. He said at the time that he had been kind of expecting it, since his cat had been sick, and that it hadn't really sunk in for him yet that his cat was gone now... I think I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, specifically if he wanted to share Good Cat Memories because I'd heard that was a thing people do to remember lost loved ones sometimes??, but then he didn't respond for an hour and I took it as a sign that he was uncomfortable with continued discussion, so I offered him an out into a different topic. So, we haven't talked about it since then. Also I got depressed and slept for a week or two, so whoops. Two: I think when I wrote this topic originally I forgot that suggesting an IRL visit would probably be taken more negatively than positively. My friend is very busy and has very many friends who aren't me, all of whom live closer and are therefore easier to hang out with, so it usually takes a lot of doing on my end to hunt down a time when he'd be available to hang out with me. I asked him back in the spring to hang out in the summer and I think I came off as really offensive when I did that, as if I thought I deserved his time more than his other friends did, so I've been really reticent to bring the topic back up since... In any case, uh, I still haven't asked. Haven't wanted to take any of his rare valuable me-time away from him. I guess if this was the kind of situation where hanging out would be more important than me-time, I could still ask, but also it'd still probably be more appropriate for one of his closer friends to offer?? Question mark. I mean, the thing is he hasn't mentioned his cat since our initial conversation about the cat's passing two-ish weeks ago. I think I kind of took "it hasn't sunk in yet" as "friend is Not Sad About It Yet, but Will Be Sad About It Later". Maybe that's presumptuous? But also, assuming that is how it works, I don't actually know when that "later"'ll hit, or how to tell when it has, or what to do, or whether or not there's even a place for me to Help at that point. ?? I don't know. I'd like to be helpful.
