I have a group of friends online, we've all been friends for several years now, with some members of the group newer than others. One of the ppl in the group, I'll call him Bob cos I am uncreative, is the youngest of us, at 19 or 20 (I think? I can't remember...he's a freshman in college at any rate.) This friend has bad mental health issues which the group has helped him through -- he's a lot better than he used to be, really. But he still does this thing, frequently, that has grown to be so frustrating to me that I don't even want to be in our group chat much while he's in there. It's hard to explain but ... basically, if we're talking and someone says something that sounds even a little brusque or not sunshiney -- if they're angry, or sad, or venting, or upset and trying to talk to the group, he does this thing where he'll announce that he feels bad and 'trudges off' or 'scurries away' or 'hides' or what have you... (We're all RPers and a lot of our interactions tend to be in roleplay-type of speak) and it really bothers me because 1. if someone's venting it takes attention away from them and puts it on him and 2. it feels REALLY MANIPULATIVE because now everyone has to run after him to coax him back or comfort/reassure him and -- it just seems to come up out of nowhere most of the time? OR to me.. really...it seems to come up most when someone is upset or venting and the attention is off him. I don't want to think that of him, but it's made me not want to tell anybody in the group chat when i'm feeling upset or talk about my feelings or anything cos it feels like it ALWAYS makes him uncomfortable and then I have to turn around and comfort him. Like we all have to be in good moods and talk happy or he gets uncomfortable ...when he is upset FREQUENTLY and ALWAYS brings it to the thread, sometimes interrupting someone else who's talking about their problems to talk about his own. And the thing is, I know it's because he's mentally ill, he comes from an abusive home where he was made to feel worthless and scared of conflict and he thinks ppl don't like him when he says something but doing it all the time... he even does it when like -- someone says something very innocent!! An example (he is blue): Spoiler And Red had to run after him to comfort him, after he said that. And say 'it was a question worth asking' .. Red didn't like yell at him or anything, they were just serious for a moment, he always thinks we're upset at him if we don't immediately respond back to what he was saying or say anything remotely serious and not happy-go-lucky like fuck It's so tiring I don't want to avoid the group, but ignoring the problem is frustrating -- but addressing it -- because we have tried addressing it -- is worse, we just get more of the same, to a worse degree. He's left chat before after being confrontd, for a few days, then comes back. So i don't know what to do. Is there a way i can just deal with it? Something I can do to ignore, or words i can say -- I'm really bad at being soft with telling someone they're doing something upsetting, i'm very straightforward and blunt and i'm not good at cushioning my words. I love the kid cos he's gone thru a lot, he's kind of our group son (lol) but this driving me up the wall. And weird thing is, he's just fine 1 on 1, if i'm just talking to him in a private message, he doesn't do that at all, even if i'm upset and talking about it. He actually reassures me and talks me thru it. So Idk. Just UGH
additionally I know he also does it because he wants to help but doesn't know how/what to say -- he said that straight out before when we talked to him about it -- and I think does that to show he's acknowledging the discussion/situation? And also because, according to him, he feels bad because he can't help. But doing it that way doesn't really help, at least to me .. I'd rather someone say 'I don't know what to say to help but I hear you' or something y'know? And I don't know how saying 'i can't help, and that makes me feel bad' would make someone upset feel better...
Hmm. It ... definitely feels like he's trying to make every situation about himself, whether or not he's doing it intentionally. You've said you've tried to address, but I think you also said that was in the context of the group chat? If he's better one-on-one, maybe try addressing it that way? In the group chat, I can see it feeling more like he's being attacked because it's the group of you, which might make him more defensive. And I would think a possible solution would be asking him to just not respond to a conversation he doesn't know what to say rather than to make a show of him leaving. But I don't know how he'd take that.
If you do talk to him privately, maybe suggest substituting "*hugs*" or "*sympathy backpats*" as emotes he can do instead of his usual "slinks off/hides/leaves" deal. It's a good way to show that he's there and acknowledging someone else's issues without recentering the chat back onto himself.
