new psych (here be run on sentences and bitchery of the highest order)

i went to a psych appointment i'd been sorely needing today, and it went not so awesome.
had to do the song and dance with a new guy, now that the other one's off to finish her fellowship in seattle, so i was already pretty nervous about that because the current cocktail ain't doing it for me and i needed a med change six weeks ago, and baby docs generally do not do put out on the first date if there's groundwork already laid. first red flag: i start listing new or intensified symptoms that i am concerned about and would like to take a stab at treating, he stops me a bullet point or two in because i sound like i'm 'reciting from the DSM'
next, i try and give him a brief rundown of issues i've had, what i'm taking, etc because he hasn't bothered to read my file. i make sure to stress my past issues with SSRIs, (they make me aggressive and hyper without doing shit about my depressive symptoms, to the point where i was forced to cold turkey escicitalopram) and talk about how the lamotrigene and bupropion as they are don't seem to be working, maybe it's time to adjust dosages or take a look at the antipsychs
so what does he fucking do? he prescribes me fucking fluoxetine to toss in with everything else because TWO negative reactions to SSRIs apparently means nothing, and i am already in some bullshit unstable funk where i alternate between my usual state of 'i have no energy for anything and also lowkey want to die' and bizarre fucking crying jags, crippling anxiety, and an inability to goddamn sleep, i cannot afford to become Real Bipolar TM right now, holy FUCK, all i want to do is kill(lmao) the suicidal ideation off juuuuuust enough to be able to concentrate on other things that AREN'T fantasizing about dying in new and innovative ways, not have a mixed or manic fucking episode, oh god.
won't even be able to get off if it amps me up without being threatened with the psych ward or the cops, which is what really freaks me out out of all of this, the way i don't really have a choice but to do what some med student who didn't bother to learn shit about me and continually misgendered me throughout the whole thing despite repeated corrections says
i need to work with this guy, i want to like him! he just hasn't made a very good first impression, and will also probably throw me into crisis mode before he decides to listen, which is really really scary!
i'm putting this here so i don't blurt it out irl because that would be a Bad Move atm, sorry!

 

other things he did:
-insinuate that i was trans for the attention because i did not come out if the womb pissed that i'm cockless, consistently misgendered me despite correction
-stressed that there was no magic pill that would fix everything no less than four times, after i clearly said 'i understand that there is no magic pill that would fix everything, but i cannot function like people as i am now'
-conflated 'i am in significant distress and would like to try something asap, because my quality of life and ability to function normally are seriously impaired' with 'i am tying the knot so that i can hang myself from the nearest ceiling fan as we speak,' which are very different things


...holy shit i did not think i was THIS salty about that appointment, goddamn

 

... well it's more than understandable that you are upset. From my very unprofessional and inexperienced position dude sounds like a case of major dickeritis with a side of asshole brainworms
Might also wanna check him for ear and eye infections if his reading and listening comprehensions are that bad.
Can you argue the prescription kind of immediately or would you have to make a new appointment to wash his head about it? Because it sounds pretty unsafe to even try the SSRI :(

 

um you need a new doctor.

he sounds like a major major asshole.

*hugs gently*

 

I have to agree, this guy is an awful fit for you. He disrespected you at every single turn, shut you down when you advocated for yourself, and didn't even bother to do the minimum of reading your chart beforehand. He sounds more like he's trying to lord his power over you than do his damn job, and imo you're risking your health to try to work with him. He's the doctor; he should be trying to work with you.

See if you can go over this asshole's head and complain about his behavior; definitely find another doctor if at all possible. This guy's ideas will only hurt you, and you have the knowledge of your own reaction history to back that up. If you're not sure how to do that, throw collaterlysisters on tumblr an ask. She's a med student who is really good about offering advice and is really understanding about the issues trans and brainfucked people face.

 

my dad's the one who picks the meds up, and when i tried to plead my case with him and mum they told me that 'it'll be different this time' and 'he has a doctorate for a reason'
if i try to do something now i will prolly get threatened with the psych ward and/or the cops? that is mum's general fallback plan and after a certain point, 'the neighbors will see and talk' stops being compelling enough for her to back down.

can't get a new guy, this is the only one covered by insurance who isn't six hours away and/or that woman who tried to put me on antipsychotics for being trans after repeatedly telling my parents 'it's just an interest, don't encourage it and she'll realize that you aren't giving her the attention she wants and will stop' who i, for some silly reason, do not want to ever ever ever deal with again.

so this was mostly just venting, i guess??? because as of right now i don't see any way out of this besides getting as sick as possible as soon as possible and hoping to god it doesn't land me in psych, preferably in the four weeks before my next appointment, where i am going to try and keep my rents out of the office and repeat each and every thing i said w/ the doc working over him in the room to see if she'll listen, because holy fucking shit i know my head better than you

 

and if she doesn't listen, i'm fucked! 8')