Ok I realized this is probably the perfect place to ask for advice on this INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING SITUATION I'VE BEEN IN FOR AWHILE apologies in advance this will probably get long (also sorry if this fits better in another forum but I don't think so??) Ok so I'm kind of a brainweird mess, I def have severe (mostly social) anxiety, I'm Probably Autistic, have PTSD from a previous Bad Friendship (that's a FUN STORY), and I've suspected for awhile that I might have borderline personality disorder, but that hasn't been diagnosed and so could possibly be something else idk really (I mention this because it has a big effect on how I interact with people and also I wonder if this is a problem with me and not my friend???????????) And I have this friend who likes me, thinks I'm pretty cool, and we get along great! We hung out a ton when we were both studying abroad in Japan through the same program (and neither of us really had other friends who came along so). She invited me to a ton of stuff and we generally got along well. Basically, we hung out wayyy more there than we ever had back home. (We've hung out a total of one time outside of events for the club we were both in, meetings for said club, or things were I got dragged along with her and her group of friends.) But I already knew that her friend group doesn't really? Like me? That much. Pretty much entirely based on shit like, thinking I'm a huge weeaboo or some shit because holy shit, I talk about anime when I come back from ANIME CLUB, or shit based on people I used to hang out with, basically really petty shit. There is like, one legit issue they've had with me--because she apparently told them about a breakdown I had when she was around and now apparently they're worried about our friendship being unhealthy because I'm ~not stable~ or something. (The kicker is I don't even usually have breakdowns like that anymore since starting testosterone (as long as my shit doctor has the dosage right) because they pretty much exclusively happened during That Time of the Month because hormones.) But like basically, her friend group won't hang out with me and she's super busy so she doesn't really have a lot of free time, and reasonably, spends most of it with these friends (a good chunk of whom she lives with). She's always like "Well, I think you're really cool!" but she tells me that she doesn't feel like she can just start inviting me to stuff. But she... basically doesn't have the time to hang out with me, and even when I try to arrange stuff it ends up not working out. I haven't tried in a long time because honestly I don't see the point and The situation basically boils down to, she never has time to do anything with me myself or me and my friends But she also won't invite me to hang out with her friends, who she agrees dislike me based on Not Facts, because she's worried??? Or something?? And I mean I understand if her friends don't end up liking... my actual self... that there's no reason to invite me to hang out with them, but they don't even know me and she knows that. But it stresses me out to have a friend that I can only meet up with if we happen to be required to be in the same place at the same time and it doesn't seem like that's going to change. It was ok when we were both in the anime club because we saw each other weekly anyway and she was always at club-related events but now she's not really in the club anymore and so I literally never see her and I just don't think maintaining friendships is supposed to be this stressful.
Maintaining friendships isn't easy but it also shouldn't be this stressful. As someone who was also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and PTSD you want to limit the amount of stress in your life and the friendship sounds like it's stressing both if you out. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she genuinely is busy but you shouldn't be making all the plans because it isn't fair to you. My advice is stop asking her to hang out. Talk to her a little less. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder and if she misses you she'll come back to you and ask to hang because she'll genuinely want to see you. If she doesn't... Well life is too short to be with people who don't want to be with you. It's also natural that you will eventually meet new friends throughout your life. Unfortunately losing friends and growing apart is part of the cycle. It ducks while it happens but down the road you'll possibly feel much better than you did when you were with her.
Ahhh thank you!! Yeah, I definitely believe her, like, I have trouble trusting people when they say they're busy a LOT but she's really honest with me and just really genuine in general so I honestly trust her so much it's actually REALLY SURPRISNG because I have such bad trust issues. But yeah, I've mostly?? resolved to try to just... chill and move on as much as I can. I just kind of had an issue with it tonight and I really wanted to know if it was a ME thing or if this was really kind of a shitty situation. That and, I'd really really like to know if there's anything I can do to fix it... etc But ahhH thank you so much because honestly??? It's really helpful for me to hear that yeah, this isn't super fair to me???? Because I worry about stuff like that and I'm the kind of person who's super easy to walk all over =^=
Those friends of hers are dicks. "not a safe friendship because youre ~unstable~" equals to "people with mental illnesses dont deserve to have friends". and thats bullshit.
Nah its not a you thing it's definitely not a fun situation to be in. You're welcome! I had a slightly similar situation happen to me twice before where all of a sudden good friends I put a lot of stock in had no time for me but plenty of time for others after I had revealed some things about myself. The only way for this to get fixed - if it can be - is through time. Also speaking as someone with anxiety the hardest thing is to not over-analyze the situation so try to make plans with others if you can't with her or find a good distraction.
yeah @whimsicalobservant I rly don't understand that, I'm so tired of people responding like that too like??? idk I mean I understand that I probably used to be a Shitty Friend in part because of mental illness but I've come a long way. @Pascaline yeah it's so frustrating... I kinda hope once she gets less busy things will go smoother but I'm also frustrated that she won't just show her friends that I'm not some Scary Unstable Person or Huge Weeaboo or whatever they think, but... idk I've dealt with people hating me for no good reason in the past I guess I can keep doing that lmao
