Heyo, I'd really like some feedback on something I'm mulling over, if y'all have a minute. Also this got super long, I apologise. (Edit: Oops, a key would be good for the list). I do have a psychiatric appointment, but not for over a month (also, I made it a month ago. Argh, having really specific, messy needs), and I do plan to bring this up, I think. In the meantime I think it would be helpful to have some outside input on some patterns of behaviour I've noticed. Quick bit about me: I ... am a mess, but not a diagnosed one just yet. I do have identified and treated ADHD (responsive to medication!), and feel comfortable saying I almost certainly have PTSD, PDD (or possibly SAD, but probably not), OSFED, and DCD/dyspraxia. The rest is for a psychiatrist to pick apart (I have a pretty good idea, but I'm very much not about to put the cart before the horse), but in short: Oh boy, that sure is a tangle of anxiety, emotional bizarreness, and volatile to non-existent self-image. So, some kind of mood and/or personality disorder. All right. So, anyway, I've been thinking about this a lot, and this weekend it was really driven home by two things: A really gross emotional meltdown over a dirty costume (wow, okay, brain), and the fact that a friend of mine pointed out I was really paranoid/obsessive about Bad Possibilities, like the idea that my apartment or car might be broken into while I was away. It's not that the idea that I might have OCD-type traits had never crossed my mind, it's just that I never really thought it was that bad, and I was just being dramatic. (This is a common pattern with me. C.f.: Literally fucking everything). Plus, I had an image of OCD as... different from what I do, basically. I did some more research beyond just a cursory look, and found the Yale-Brown obsessive-compulsive scale, which appears to still be in use. And, ah... Compiled into one place, results were kind of ... interesting. Spoiler: Long, but here, with explanations. Mentions obsessive and compulsive behaviour, self-harm, eating disorders non-graphically, dermatillomania Via test worksheet: Items marked "*" may or may not be OCD phenomena. Bold items: Stuff I do often and currently. Italic: Stuff I only did in the past, or do very rarely. Bold italics: Most prevalent and distressing issue. AGGRESSIVE OBSESSIONS Fear might harm self Fear might harm others Violent or horrific images (directed at self) Fear of blurting out obscenities or insults Fear of doing something else embarrassing * Fear will act on unwanted impulses (e.g. to stab friend) Fear will steal things Fear will harm others because not careful enough (e.g. hit/run MVA) Fear will be responsible for something else terrible happening (e.g. fire, burglary) Other: Fear will be responsible for security breach at work CONTAMINATION OBSESSIONS Concerns or disgust with bodily waste or secretions (e.g. urine, feces, saliva) Concern with dirt or germs (but only with respect to eating, touching my face, or preparing food, so I'm not certain how significant this is) Excessive concern with environmental contaminants (e.g. asbestos, radiation, toxic waste) Excessive concern with household items (e.g. cleansers, solvents, ) Excessive concern with animals (e.g. insects) Bothered by sticky substances or residues (primarily on hands) Concerned will get ill because of contaminant Concerned will get others ill by spreading contaminant (Aggressive) No concern with consequences of contamination other than how it might feel SEXUAL OBSESSIONS Forbidden or perverse sexual thoughts, images, or impulses Content involves children or incest (Incest only. No longer occurs except very, very rarely). Content involves homosexuality* (At a young age. I got over it) Sexual behavior toward others (Aggressive)* (Paralysing fear of acting, not actual behaviour) HOARDING/SAVING OBSESSIONS [distinguish from hobbies and concern with objects of monetary or sentimental value] (Probably, but not to a debilitating degree. I do save clippings and things and have problems with getting rid of objects, but have no problem throwing away trash or broken items. My living space is cluttered, but not stacked with trash or useless items. So, I dunno). RELIGIOUS OBSESSIONS (Scrupulosity) Concerned with sacrilege and blasphemy (As a child only. Am now comfortably agnostic.) Excess concern with right/wrong, morality (As in, 'am I really doing the right thing? Am I SURE?') OBSESSION WITH NEED FOR SYMMETRY OR EXACTNESS Accompanied by magical thinking (e.g., concerned that mother will have accident unless things are in the right place) Not accompanied by magical thinking (Exactness/perfection, but not arbitrary symmetry. I do enjoy arranging things, though, so...?) MISCELLANEOUS OBSESSIONS Need to know or remember Fear of saying certain things Fear of not saying just the right thing Fear of losing things Intrusive (non-violent) images Intrusive nonsense sounds, words, or music (only when falling asleep) Bothered by certain sounds/noises * Lucky/unlucky numbers Colors with special significance Superstitious fears (not quite, but I do have a really inane but real specific phobia) SOMATIC OBSESSIONS Concern with illness or disease * (Specifically, terrified of psychosis, as in schizophrenia. Not because there's anything wrong with someone who is, but because I can't cope with the idea of hallucinations or delusions) Excessive concern with body part or aspect of appearance (e.g. dysmorphophobia) * (However, probably not related - Am transgender and have an eating disorder) CLEANING/WASHING COMPULSIONS Excessive or ritualized handwashing (Hand sanitiser use, actually. Touched something? Gotta clean my hands) Excessive or ritualized showering, bathing, toothbrushing, grooming, or toilet routine. (Everything in the same order!) Involves cleaning of household items or other inanimate objects Other measures to prevent or remove contact with contaminants (Applies specifically to clothing and keeping it clean and unstained, manifests as refusing to sit on things, refusing to eat, and panicking when inevitably a white shirt gets a mark on it :|) CHECKING COMPULSIONS Checking locks, stove, appliances, etc. (Constantly. Sometimes repeatedly, such as turning my alarm clocks on and off until I'm satisfied. Same with the stove, even if I haven't used it for days - Turn it off and back on to make sure it's really off). Checking that did not/will not harm others (and, oh boy, is THIS conversation ever tired) Checking that did not/will not harm self Checking that nothing terrible did/will happen (repeatedly) Checking that did not make mistake (repeatedly) Checking tied to somatic obsessions REPEATING RITUALS Re-reading or re-writing (to include reopening envelopes to make sure everything is Just Right) Need to repeat routine activities (e.g. in/out door, up/down from chair) COUNTING COMPULSIONS None. ORDERING/ARRANGING COMPULSIONS Not sure. If someone touches how I've left my things I feel compelled to rearrange them, but...? HOARDING/COLLECTING COMPULSIONS [distinguish from hobbies and concern with objects of monetary or sentimental value (e.g.,carefully reads junkmail, piles up old newspapers, sorts through garbage, collects useless objects)] (Otherwise, not really) MISCELLANEOUS COMPULSIONS Mental rituals (other than checking/counting) (Excessive rehearsing and scripting for scenarios; in the past, odd rituals, like always thinking certain things at certain times, but only as a child) Excessive listmaking Need to tell, ask, or confess (Even - actually, particularly - If there's nothing to confess) Need to touch, tap, or rub * Rituals involving blinking or staring * Measures (not checking) to prevent: harm to self; harm to others; terrible consequences (Hypervigiliance, unnecessary avoidance) Ritualized eating behaviors * (Eating disorder related?) Superstitious behaviors Trichotillomania * Other self-damaging or self-mutilating behaviors *: Excessive chewing of the nails and first knuckle; dermatillomania, specifically compulsively picking at wounds or any perceived flaw in the skin (not just at the skin in general) So... Yeah, there's that. I dunno. I think my motivation for doing all of this stuff is one of these, or motivated by both: First, I can't cope with the idea of imperfection or making mistakes that could cause something bad to happen.. or even just damage the perception of me (rather than trying to control others, which is bad, and also, not possible, so I try to control myself, I think?). Second, I think I'm just... kind of paranoid (including in ways not listed here) and can't trust myself not to cause something bad, such as a house fire, and won't be satisfied until I'm damn sure that stove is off. It is very rare that something bad has actually happened, certainly not at a rate above normal people (i.e. I'm obsessed with making sure my alarm is set correctly, and I've overslept before work or school literally twice in my life, both times precipitated by outside factors - Sleep deprivation and soporific medication. I've also never actually left something unlocked when I left, and my car has never been broken into), so there is nothing external motivating my neurotic behaviour. And while some of it feels fine and necessary (rereading and double-checking to make sure my work is top-tier, for example, obsessively following routine patterns, stuff like that), most of it is frustrating and annoying, like, I know that damn stove is off? I haven't used it for a week? Because I've eaten nothing but frozen food? Most of this happens at least daily. It's hard to ignore to nearly impossile, and while checking will usually (usually) eventually satisfy my paranoia, some things are rarely satisfied by reassurance and objective reasoning (for example, being certain that the one time six months ago that I was cranky because I was tired and hungry was actually me being a monster isn't really easily comforted by the logical 'what the fuck? No, I don't even remember that.') I'm pretty sure it's obnoxious to people around me, too, which is upsetting. I definitely get 'you worry too much!', 'you're paranoid.', and 'you need to calm down' often. Medicating my ADHD did not change any of it, despite hugely improved executive function and clarity. None of these symptoms are new, at least in some form. I'm ostensibly functional, but I'm not happy. I feel like I should be able to trust myself and let things go, but I can't. Also I keep thinking maybe I'm just being dramatic, since I am visibly functional? So, uh, I guess, just... What else should I be looking at, maybe? Am I really just being overdramatic? I don't think most people are like this in more than one or two ways, though? I deeply appreciate any thoughts, thank you all for your time if you managed to read all of that blather.
