hello, i am in search of advice on how to be a Good Friend and i'm wondering if my feelings right now might be petty so here's the rundown: my friend J has been dating F for almost a year. they're both transguys, and F started on testosterone fairly recently (this is important later). very exciting, very cute together, etc but frankly i've had a bit of a bad feeling about F that i couldn't quite pinpoint. i don't know the guy too well so i've sort of put it in the back of my mind. they're in a long-term relationship so F came to town recently. he stayed for two weeks, the whole time taking cutesy pictures with J, and they bought each other gifts and stuff before F left for his hometown. F was also tagging J in sugary-sweet facebook memes about relationships and marriage this entire time - you know the type. so like two days after he gets back, he tells J "yeah i think testosterone made me straight, i've been questioning our relationship for a while bye" wtffff J is devastated, they can't even function for days, until F shows up and is like "i changed my mind lol" so now they're back together??? WTFFFFFF so....... i'm super angry. i don't blame F for questioning their orientation, that's not on him, but he handled the situation so poorly and from my perspective he's treating J almost like they're disposable???? i am just so..... I'M SO MAD???? but at the same time, i'm not in their relationship. i'm wondering if the best thing to do is move forward along with them and trust that they know what they're doing. what do you guys think? am i blowing this out of proportion?
As I said in our FB chat, I don't think you're blowing this out of proportion at all. The situation is incredibly fucked up, and F is being a douche. I'm not sure how to intervene, though. I'd personally have a very frank talk with J about your concerns, although I know you've already done that in the past--like, let him know that you think it's really messed up that F is treating him like this--but I am also really bad at intervening in situations like this. (Also, judging by the trans guys I've met who are on T, I'm pretty sure it doesn't Magically Make You Straight. I'll ping a few transmasc Kintsugijin, maybe they can provide some info there?)
I've seen people transitioning in both directions say that their orientations shifted as they transitioned; I was even warned by my doctor that it was a possibility when I started T. (Not in a "this will definitely happen" sort of way, just a "this is a thing that some of my other patients have experienced so I am passing it on to you" sort of way.) One speaker at my trans group said that after a while on hrt she stopped being attracted to men and started being attracted to women, and she summed up her orientation as being an attraction to 'sameness' rather than a specific gender, if that makes sense. So, shifting orientations is certainly a thing that happens. But otoh even if F is finding his attractions changing he's still being a massive massive asshole about it. I think @Acey's right about having a frank conversation with J about your concerns, but also that you should only instigate one such conversation. If J brings up concerns later, definitely listen to him and contribute your opinion, but don't be the one to keep bringing up the topic.
shifting orientations is a thing ive observed but it's usually not Super Fast, and the way F handled that is ... really unfortunate. the perceived shift in internal feelings leading to an automatic dumping of J makes me think that F might have some unresolved stuff to work through? because that's. very extreme. i third a frank conversation with J, but this might be a situation where you can't do anything now but support J and be there for him if something like this happens again.
thanks for your input on t and its effect on orientation, budgie. i spoke to J while they were apart, and i made it very clear that if F were to bring up getting back together i felt it was a bad idea... and two days later, they were back together. again. i don't want to tell J how to live their life, but.... this seems like a pretty clear red flag to me. i'm glad i'm not the only one to see this. thanks for your input on t too, raybot. i think you're right about the timing and support potentially being the best option.
update on the asshole situation: they broke up again. here's an excerpt from a conversation with J Me: I thought you said he left because he was more interested in women? Friend: No, that was the first time. He realized he's bisexual with a preference for women He left me this time because he's not in love with me anymore and likes his friend Me: That's.... even worse. Friend: But she doesn't know he likes her Me: It took him less than a week to realize he's bisexual? And he flat out told you there's somebody else he's more interested in? Friend: Yeah Me: [Friend] this dude is Bad News Friend: So he is willing to throw away a year long relationship for a girl that doesn't even know he has a crush on her Me: He's a piece of shit and does not even compare you on any level of human decency Friend: He wants me to hate him. He told me to hate him and to call him abusive and that he deserves it and he knows he's horrible Me: What the fuck
Yeah, that's the sort of over the top self-flagellation I expect from emotionally abusive people. It's fishing for J to try and convince him that that's not true. It also kind of in a roundabout way absolves F of culpability, because it phrases it like an innate part of F and not something he can control. (vs, for example, "That was a horrible thing for me to do.") It gives F a way of feeling 'punished', except he picks it and hasn't asked what would make J feel better. And I'm betting F never actually apologized for any of this.
again, i'm glad i'm not the only one seeing how shitty F is. thanks for listening. i found out the day that i posted the update that J skyped with F and called him out on all his shit. i am SUPER proud of J for doing that. but... i see they're still facebook friends, and F has been commenting on posts as if they've been best friends forever. it has taken everything in me not to call him out on his shit myself. i shouldn't be that person, though.
