one more year in a frustrating school please send help

Problems!!
not sure how explain just here

I cant do the homework-->stuff piles up-->I have to fill out the pink forms that everyone knows are late homework-->"Imo has late homework woOoOoW"-->mme gets angry/quietly concerced/frustratedly concerned-->poof there go my grades cause homework is worth lots

i cant do the homework-->stuff piles up-->I get more and more worried about 1) happening-->put it off more-->-->put off school more-->feel worse-->continuous cycle

I like reading-->I read casually, when i find a good + when i feel like reading-->I dont read at home unless i really really want to(very rarely)-->thus no reading happens at home, and it takes double the time to read a book-->I cannot, for unknown reasons* do the paperwork

*these unknown things i cant describe, i dont feel nauseous or "no way AAHHHH" or "im not gonna do this, just to spite you". it doesnt feel like dread or anger or stuff llike that and not like out of energy

want to tell people on kintsugi about problems/ask for help-->feel like problem isnt important compared to other kintsugi folk-->know that is bull-->feel like problem has more help than othe kintsugi folk, thus not as important-->know that that is also bull

want to tellpeople on kintsugi about problem/ask for help-->doesnt know what catagory to put thread in-->worries about people reacting to it in wrong thread-->knows that they wouldnt be that bad-->worries about having to ask a staff to move the thread

want to voice theorized self diagnostics to kintsugi (/doctor)-->worries about people saying that that is ridiculous, you couldnt possibly have that

I cant work with the current curriculum​

/ \
They cant change it just for me I can "just deal" with it
\ / \
???!???!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??????!??!? /

Options? /
/ | \ /​

drop out Change school Just deal
/ / \ \
this isnt even a legit answer!! homeschool new school Mental health declines
\ \ \ \questions/ / / / |
\ \ \ new people/ / / / school grades decline
\ \ \ difficult/ / / /
\ \ paperwork / / /
probably missed things while changing
damn that took ages flowcharts are hard
edit: this didnt work shit, posting a picture of the paper

Unhealthy coping mechanisms 101!!
watch/read things to distract self-->feel awful about avoiding self's problems-->watch/read things to distract self

Things That Can Set Me Off

• ways people walk
• ways people talk
• ways people breath
• body language (especially angry)
• paying too much attention too me
• paying too little antention to me
• doing other things while i talk to them
• changing topics during a feelings jam
• awkward silences
• crying
• showing some emotion
• not showing some emotion
• stopping and starting feelings jams
• saying things i already know
• telling me to just deal
• telling me that they are "trying as hard as they can"
• ordering off menus
• making decisions
• feeling/being excluded
• being included when you can tell they didnt want to include you in the first place

kay said something about asking for people to regularaly talk to? I might ask her to elaborate cause i cant remember exacts

also im more concerned about school project that are due this friday.

i also have an appointment with my gp on Thursday or Friday, but that is also not a direct fix
the last plan was letting me only go to school every other day or so
but that backfired massively cause i couldn't regain headspace on the days off because i was too worried about my classmates asking questions the next day

 

bluh actual flow chart

 

re: talking to the doctor: what about just listing symptoms? so, instead of saying "i think i have X", say "i've noticed x, y, z". if saying it is hard, try writing it down and giving the paper to the dr; mine have been good with that.

also re: the Just Cannot, is it kind of like you know you should, and you intend to, but it just never translates from 'intend to' to 'actually doing'? because executive dysfunction sounds like what you're talking about, and that's my experience of it.

 

Goddddd this brings back memories. School is so frustrating. Being a teenager is so frustrating!

I haven't got any useful suggestions :( but I 100% offer my assistance with homework. I can confidently help with maths and French, music if that's a subject you study. I'd be happy to help and it would be good for me too, to get more TA experience. (No pressure. It sounds like the issue is a lot more complicated than "homework too hard", but if you think a Kintsugi study club would help then lemme know.)

 

re: the bit I should elaborate on - I was wondering if there might be anyone here who would be willing to be a steady talking-to person - sort of counselor-style, but obviously with the understanding that they're no professional, rather just someone to talk to. advice, comfort, etc. maybe even mentor if that was something that felt comfortable.

a problem is that there is little mental health support for young teens in Imo's community. I went through a similar issue at the same time with little to no help for the same reasons. The school counselor is fairly ineffective; there is not much community support; there is not much available in the way of accommodations (in school, at home, etc). I think one of the biggest things Imo needs is someone to talk to, because she's under a lot of stress and doesn't have someone neutral-but-caring to open up to, which results in bottled stress. And I think the bottled stress (of a few years now) is at the heart of a lot of the anxiety and executive dysfunction - because as I understand it, the problem isn't that Imo doesn't have the ability to do the homework/etc, it's that Imo's brain is overloaded and shuts down before she can take the steps to just get shit done.

(sorry if I sound like I'm armchair-diagnosing, kidlet. :/ big sister observations.)

(also: you're worth the work. :) )

 

("what you worth?" "it?")

thanks guys.
@EulersBidentity study group could prove effective. For me the project stuff is mostly E.D. (executive dysnfuntion) and also I find them dumb and not owrth the time?? Like I sped through math today, but trying to work on the reading project my mind just defaults to "this is the stupidest thing ever why bother doing this". and for some reason doing the ixl math only seems to happen at 12-2am? ???
I think a study group might just be helpful in general for everyone in school and on here, but idk. So many things are just me overanalysing, but i have no place to get my overanalysing out, and make it stay out. i seem to lack a voice that says, "yes, that is true, but you have to do it anyway" or something like that :/

@budgie
yeah. however its harder for me to remember specific emotions after the fact, especially when they were confusing ones, i can remember thoughts pretty okay though.
yeah i think its quite a bit of executive dysfunction

@Kaylotta nah bro its fine for "archair diagnostics"
neutral-but-caring is exactly what id like. cause like mom is so ehhhhhhh. she does 3/4 of the things that set me off, completely unintentionally, and i just dont get anything out of talking to her.
school counselers have all been "happy get better times daisies and flowers aa!" not sure what the new one is, also i havent had personal experience with them, but they are mostly for settling emotional disputes between kids that also get in the way of schoolwork

 

love you, sis. i'm proud of you for taking steps to Do The Thing.

also i agree with everything in your post.

 

why thank you *insert over dramatic flourishey bow that totally ends with me falling on my face*

 

can you write down the feelings during, or talk to/text @Kaylotta so that there's some kind of record? even just 'i get these episodes where i honestly can't articulate the feelings i have' is worth mentioning, but if you can classify them as good/bad, high energy/low energy etc. that's even more helpful for a professional.

2 ideas re: new counsellor: 1) tell them straight up you need someone 'neutral but caring', not someone to say 'everything is going to be better :D :D :D'. you're allowed to do that! 2) counsellor may be able to refer you to school-board psych pros who might have experience helping students in your situation, and sometimes people (family, doctors, w/e) take things more seriously when it's someone else who says you need help.

 

bwah. my brain didnt seem to process the "okay you did a half day now you need to go back again" like it just baffled me for a while. only problem is that friday i have 2 things due and absolutely nothing started on either. halp how do i school? my appointment is the day before it is due, but i cant get out of doing it, even if its stupid as hell. haaaaallllp....

 

...yep, relatable. I spent a lot of school going "I don't want to do your stupid work, and why is no one noticing how angry and sad I am all of the time??" It's v hard to get out of the rut when your work is frustrating and you don't have the energy to concentrate on it anyway, and you keep getting in more trouble for not doing it, and no one wants to help. (Hindsight is 20/20. I can think of people who might have helped me if I'd been able to admit things were going badly. But it's hard for teachers to be proactive if you're the kind of unhappy that's not disruptive.)

*squints at time zones* you are maybe still awake! Can you describe to us these projects? Feel free to describe them exactly as stupid as they are.

 

oh hello.
sorry im kinda panicing cause i slept in and now i have a headache and am super hungry and dont know what the hell is happening today and aaah i feel like crying

Daily presentations in french
monday - about a book you read
tuesday - show and tell
wednesday - catch up
thursday - genius project
friday - "vendredi de video"

now i despise almost all of these anyway, but i could deal with a genius project one or show and tell. but i am stuck with vendredi de video this friday. and then show and tell on tuesday

Monthly reading presentation
why couldnt we go back to last year's system D:
read book during month
choose presentation style from preprepared things mme's got
make a song
timeline
draw main events
write as a fairytale
there are others i cant remember

edit: mom just came in and said "sorry, I'm feeling sick, you can stay here today or go and i'll take you if thats the case" i dont know what to do i cant make decisions!! especially when I'm already fucking emotional and in pain!! dammitdammitdammit

 

Okay. I'm not going to be online for the next couple of hours because I have rehearsal until 16.30GMT. I'm guessing by now you'll have made a decision as to "should I stay or should I go" (...that song will be in my head all day now...) which, good job! Sincerely. Whatever decision you made, you made a decision. You beat executive dysfunction. (If you haven't decided but also haven't left yet, I'd count that as a decision.)

Course of action I suggest (which might not work for you. If so, ignore.) since I def won't be online for a couple hours and others potentially won't be online, take the next couple of hours to self-care. Drink water, take a painkiller for your headache if needed, get some food. Read something you enjoy. I can 1000% help with work later! You'll smash it.

 

Well I slept until 1pm centraltime, so I guess that counts? Heh. Now imma have some form of food, and play some video games. {:)

Thanks muchly for help EB, I did start a summary of the book last night, but there are so many details I want to add... Aargh.

 

Oh, good :) Sounds like you needed the sleep.

I've got a bunch of assignments to do now so I'll be kind of vaguely online for a few hours while I'm working. If you want a study club going then post here, or PM me, or make a group/thread...like, whatever.

 

You know something's gone wrong when you have the thought
"i shouldn't have said that to my doctor, I should've just asked kintsugi"

I saw the doctor like 5minutes ago.
I feel like utter shit.
I copy pasted stuff from here and got him to read it.
He didn't seem to get the same stuff out of it that I (and others on here) saw.
He has told mom to talk to teachers about goal orientating schoolwork more
Which isn't bad, but like also
It wasn't that I didn't know why thy were doing it
I know why they do presentations
And try to get us to talk to each other
Knowing doesn't seem to help
I'm not sure if it's executive dysfunction
But like yeah
And he prescribed something
And now I'm fucking terrified
I've never had meds ever
I know they aren't bad but
He literally said last time he didn't think meds would help
Almost everyone in my family takes meds.

Shit we are leaving the doctors office. In about 15-20 minutes I'll finish this when I get home.
AaaaaaaaaaaA

 

@Imoyram if you can, i would honestly try to get a referral to a psych, either through your gp or maybe a school counsellor. not knocking the guy, but gp's are often jacks-of-all-trades, and seeing someone who understands what you mean would honestly do you good.

 

Some thoughts.

Dr F is actually pretty knowledgeable, and in my experience he does his best to listen. I have occasionally felt like I was not heard, though. I am, however, pretty confident that he knows his stuff even when it comes to mental illness. He also knows most of our family medical records.

This is not to minimize anything - just my two cents.

I am of the opinion that you really need someone to talk to on a regular basis before you need meds. From my perspective, a lot of your stress is coming from an indirect source - the tension in the house in general. It's very frustrating that we have easier access to brain meds than access to therapists/counselors. Meds are cheap and don't require scheduling.

You mentioned that most of the family is on meds. You're 100% right. B seems to have gotten lucky. :P You may well have some brainweirds, and anxiety is definitely one of the things that exists among us. So meds might well help. It's possible.

What did he prescribe you?

In the end, it is your choice whether or not to take any medication. If you do not feel comfortable with it, don't take it. Do the research first.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to scope out some potential chat people here, and maybe send a "hey would you mind if I talked to you about some heavy stuff or about anything at all".

 

finishing this shit

so at the end he asked me if I had any questions
and i hesitated for quite a while and finally asked
"can people not on the autism spectrum stim?" <<this is the shouldve just asked kintsugi part
now i was really fucking nervous about this cause blarg
and he just went on and on about how he saw it as a gift and asking me if I thought I was autistic or if I was worried i was autistic
and I was so uncomfy like fucking hell dude
I HAVE ONLINE FRIENDS WITH THIS
I KNOW PEOPLE
I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET MORE INFORMATION
I was going to ask kintsugi this instead but now Ive voiced that and I cant take it back and aaarg
and he didnt fucking answer the question anyway
i just wanted a simple yes or no mate not this
and now I have to worry about starting meds
and seeing him again
and i have an assignment due tommorow
and i would just skip and do it over the weekend
but me and EB worked so hard to finish a presentation for tomorrow
and i went today and gave them fucking expectations and even said I was presenting tomorrow
and i told mme i was going to be there
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaWHYaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

on a slightly brighter side apparently getting sweets after a doctor appointment is a tradition so I has candy to accompany me

 

im such a fucking idiot I just went and blathered at mom and i still feel like shit and im crying and why.