ongoing drama courtesy of me

So back about two years ago I was in the stage where I wasn't really writing fan fiction that much but I still read it (on ff.net anyway, now it's all ao3) and so I left a comment on someone's fic and they replied and we started PMing each other and we hit it off and we started RPing and chatting every day and fast forward two months, we had started using the "L" word and were pretty much dating.

He was about two states away from me. But it worked pretty well anyway for a good six or so months.

We've never been able to meet IRL because I am poor and he was in training school for a while since he was trying to get a job in the air force. He's about 18 months older than me, which stopped being a problem quickly because I turned 16 a bit after we started making noises about dating.

However, at that six month mark, I started getting really stressed about school and depression started poking it's head out of it's hole again and I stopped replying to our RPs as much, dragging them on because I Could. Not. Get. Anything. Down. On the screen. It's a bitch.

So we would chat a little still and that went ok even though we missed being able to rp. I've not been able to Rp very well for more than a year, maybe even almost two full years. That's a problem because I forget to check our chats so we don't talk as much, and when we do he gives itty bitty little responses like "lol" or "yeah" which makes it difficult to keep a discussion going because what do i do with that exactly. I don't know if it's a guy thing or what, but. Not great.

So that's been our deal for more than a year. Me sucking at replying to chats, not so much that I forget to check daily, but because I don't have anything to say and neither does he, at least not very often. He's started taking a game programming class and that's been helpful because when I ask what he's been doing he has a thing he can tell me about.

He was patient in the beginning but it's gotten more and more difficult because he wants to know why I'm so distant and I can't put it into words and when I can it's something along the lines of 'my grades are shit and I'm not doing anything productive and it's stressful and makes me feel like shit and why are you still here I'm literally awful'. which I don't say, except very vaguely, because I'm ashamed and don't like directly telling people I'm not good at life-things.

So now we have this relationship that's probably been stretched out to within an inch of its life and a few days ago he said that his parents want to meet me on Skype and while I haven't really replied (running from/ignoring problems, good job, that's worked before) I really DO NOT WANT TO.

It's not that I don't think they're good people, of course, but as far as they know? I'm a fuckin' mystery who's been jerking their son around. And if they ask any questions what do I say? I either lie or I say, oh, how's my school going? Well, I'm still figuring out this 'homework' thing after 12 years and I was kicked out of my one class for not signing in because I didn't know how to work the online class and didn't ask any of the school's COPIOUS helpful staff for help, and I haven't tried to see if I can get back into it because 1. shame, and 2. lack of resources because I made the wonderful decision of dropping most of what remained of my student loan back in to pay for the loan early because it's not like I might need money for anything, hahaHA.

And social-wise I am friendly with my roommate and some folks online and that is literally all. And I don't have a job, nor have I ever had one, other than a two week thing where I helped this lady out at her bakery. At least that isn't because of a lack of trying.

And his mom is apparently kinda hard to please WHICH IS NOT HELPING my mental screaming.

So I don't know exactly what to do. He's a great guy, and we still get along when i haven't made things difficult, but this isn't working. I'm not good at making this work. So the only thing I can think of is ask him to ask his parents if they wouldn't mind leaving the Skype thing for a month so I can get my college thing into less of a mess, (it's really not that bad and I've been making steps in a better direction but) and maybe get myself into a better frame of mind about MEETING HIS PARENTS OH GODS, or I can try to end our relationship as amiably as I can because I don't want to hurt him more (he's taken so much abuse from me and it kind of concerns me. i don't think I'd stick around so long, but then look at the messes I make of good things, hah), or....I forgot what I thought up for a third option.

I'm not expecting anyone to fix all my problems for me, but at least its out now. I guess. idk. Now I'm tired.