so my only irl friend has this friend (also her roommate.) i hate him. i hate him partially because he takes up all her time and attention and makes me jealous. that's petty and dumb. but there are some other reasons. does not get boundaries. he just. does not understand them. he constantly gets in people's space, touches them, etc. after having been asked to stop, like he seriously cannot grasp the concept of "stop". if i ever want to see my friend he has to be there because otherwise he will cry and talk about how left out he feels. when he DOES go places with us, he essentially has to be babysat. he will wander off for no reason, get himself lost, call us crying, tell us where he is, and then WANDER OFF AGAIN WHILE WE LOOK FOR HIM. when we do eventually find him, if anyone points out "dude you gotta quit doing this it's super frustrating" he'll get all "oh, i can see i'm a bother, just leave me sitting here at this starbucks by myself then, alone, unwanted" and actually fake-cry, and it's so transparently "don't tell me not to do things or criticize my behavior ever" and i hate it because my mom does that too. i am eternally bitter because my friend had been planning to room with me forever, which would have gotten me away from my mother, and instead she roomed with him because he asked her to. i just am so tired of hanging out with him i have asked my friend if we can hang out without him and all she says is "well, you don't have to TALK to him." which makes no sense. i can't just pretend he's not standing there. and besides she's going to be talking to him the entire time anyways! idk i'm frustrated. is there any way to avoid this guy without just ditching my friend?
Hokay, this waves a lot of red flags and is extraordinarily creepy. I would be blasting off into the stars to escape being anywhere near this person and even taking into account my own issues with being very sensitive to behaviour like this and easily yanked chain I'm pretty sure most people would do similar. I think you should sit down with her if you can pry her out of his clutches for a minute, and tell her you're generally concerned about his behaviour, express concern for her if you feel it, and ask if she's doing okay. Then express that you're uncomfortable around him, state why like you have here, and want to spend time away from him with her. Because this comes across like manipulation, not deeply insecure 'please reassure me, I'm actually not sure and need it confirmed that you do like me' behaviour, but malicious in intent (and probably insecure also, but with a distinct edge of malice and control). And maybe it won't stick, and you do need to disengage from her to get away from him (which really, really sucks, but... he does not sound safe) but, like... you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, you know? If you make sure the door is open down the line, when she maybe realises what kind of person he is in the future, she might come back around, and if she doesn't... that's really sad, but again, I do not think this person is safe, from your description, and he almost certainly isn't healthy to be around. So you may have to pick which one you can put up: Being around someone like him, or losing (hopefully temporarily) your friend. It's a tough situation, I've been there. Good luck.
Talking to her probably won't do any good. She is being manipulated and is not ready to see it. About the only thing you can do is gonna hurt. Say you are open to hanging out with her, but not when he is around. I wouldn't go into details, just say he makes you too uncomfortable. You can add something about it has nothing to do with her if you think necessary to help her feelings. Keep in contact other ways. But stand by that boundary. When he finally does push her past her limits, be there for her and do not say "I told you so."
