the title is somewhat misleading but i couldnt fit the actual question because of character limit. question: where is the line between "using friend as a therapist" and "confiding in friends and going to them for comfort and support, but in a healthy way"? mostly asking because im curious and because i know there is a line, im just not sure where. (also i hope this is the right subforum?)
I think the line is a wiggly one, but it depends pretty wholely on communication. I do a lot of listening to people vent, and mostly I'm pretty fine with that, but I make sure to let everyone that vents to me know that sometimes I don't have the emotional energy to respond. And so far everyone's been fine with that, even the neediest, worryingest friend I have, so I'm generally pretty happy with this state of affairs. I'd say that you probably want to talk to the friends you're going to for comfort and sympathy, open a dialogue about this topic and keep it open, so that you both can go back to it and change things if and when needed. That'll tell you where the line sits as to how much and what sort of subjects you can talk to them about: if they're open to listening to you talk about self harm or trauma, or if they might be up for fairly in-depth analysis of your thoughts and feelings, or if they feel like they could help best just being a non-judgemental listener for you to vent to. Every person is going to have different limits and preferences, and it's really up to both of you to figure out where your limits and strong points are, so that you can play to those - and to keep that dialogue open so that neither of you get worn out. Or forced into a limit that you didn't realise was there and don't feel able to make known because we've already set out our limits, right???
("you" means general you for whole post) For me the line is mostly about respecting your friends' boundaries and not taking them for granted. Basically, while a friend may be willing to drop what they're doing to comfort you, they are not obligated to do so. Your friend is a person with their own life and their own crap going on, possibly with their own mental illnesses to deal with, and they're not always going to have the time, spoons, or mood to give you immediate support. So it's very important to respect their right to say no, and back off if they do say it rather than forcing the issue. General things that can help: Ask people if they're okay with you venting before you start venting on them. If you just go up to your friend and immediately start dumping emotions on them, it's going to put them in an awkward position where they might have to "WHOA WAIT HOLD UP I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW ABORT ABORT", and it's going to make it seem like you just assumed they'd be okay with it. Which is taking them for granted, and treating them as more of a comfort-dispensing therapist robot than a friend. If you instead start by saying "hey I'm having a really rough time right now, can I vent at you for a bit?", that gives your friend the opportunity to assess their own situation and make a decision about whether they can do this for you right now. It also lets them set any limits they may need to based on their situation -- maybe they're not up to giving advice right now, but they're happy to listen. Or maybe they're in the middle of something important, but if you can hang on for an hour they'll be happy to talk to you. Etc. Thank them for listening and providing support. This lets them know their effort was appreciated, and again, helps prevent the "taken for granted" feeling. Have multiple people you can ask for support. If you're constantly asking the same friend for help every time, it's not unreasonable for them to eventually get worn out by it. You're asking people to perform emotional labor for you, and even if they're happy to do it, it's labor, and it can get tiring after a while. Having multiple people you can go to helps distribute that load. Also, if a friend knows you have someone else you can go to, they'll feel less pressured into agreeing to you help even when they really aren't up for it right now. (This is not always possible depending on people's circumstances, and both parties should be aware of that, but in general having multiple people is the healthier option imo.) Reciprocate. Let your friend vent at you sometimes too. Obviously this will depend on your own abilities and boundaries, but if you're always asking someone to provide you with emotional support but never willing to do the same for them, they're liable to feel like a therapist instead of a friend. Realize that sometimes friends just can't do a particular thing. Some people are just not good at sympathy and commiserating. Some people aren't good at giving advice. Some people can't talk about specific topics because it triggers them, so even if they're willing to help you on other things, they can't deal with helping on that particular thing. Etc. If someone is not good at a thing or not comfortable doing the thing, you'll both be happier if you don't expect that thing from them. Having multiple people to ask for support is good for this, because then you can choose who to go to based on the sort of support you want, and then your friends can play to their strengths instead of feeling forced into doing something they're not comfortable with. People have different capacities and levels of ability for providing emotional support, so the exact boundaries are going to depend on the person in question. If this is something you're worried about with a particular friend, it's good to open a dialogue with them about it to see where they think the line is, and where they think your current relationship stands in relation to the line. @Kemmasandi 's advice above is good for this! tl;dr Remember that your friends are people with their own shit going on, and treat them as such instead of as comfort-dispensing robots, and you'll probably be okay.
This is a huge part of it for me. In a traditional therapist-patient relationship the patient does all the talking about themselves while the therapist offers advice or noises of acknowledgement or whatever you want to call it while not talking about anything regarding themselves. Having that dynamic play out in a friendship is really really sucky. I was in that kind of dynamic for a while when a friend of mine wasn't doing too great and then after things got better they got not great for her in different ways and all she could really talk about during those times was how things were not really great for her. And I get that, sometimes all your energy goes into dealing with your own problems. However, after a certain point it got really fucking exhausting always having to deal with her problems when I had plenty of problems of my own albeit on a different scale. Always only talking to her when she felt a need for it and having my own attempts at reaching out when I was having a problem just ignored felt decidedly not-good. So, you know, just beware of this trap :)
