I started dating again recently. It's going wonderfully: She's smart, queer, funny, and we have clicked spectacularly. The cuddles are awesome. In the past, I am anxious about meeting new people (Especially for dating purposes) and always have a mild anxiety regarding the relationship itself. Until this wonderful knot unwound, that wasn't attached to this relationship. I had a big fat zero anxiety related to it. The strange part is when I'm with her, the rest of my anxiety symptoms quiet down, too. This is great, I love it, it makes me adore being with her a little more. Until tonight. When I realized that there are two major dangers if a person becomes a way to soothe my anxiety: First, it is not fair to her if I end up relying on that effect. Becoming dependent on her that way, and making that her burden in a way is terrifying. Queue increased anxiety cause the first. Second, I'm afraid of that kind of dependency because it's a very easy way to fall back into an abusive relationship. I don't see that happening yet, our relationship is actually very healthy and lovely, but I'm still slightly broken and I want to be aware of this in the long run. Queue increased anxiety cause the second. So basically, I'm wondering: Is this just a wonderful case of new relationship energy and my brain being mean? Is it a precursor to possibly unhealthy behavior? Am I now allowing myself to overthink things and I should just chill the fuck out? Just would like some general advice if anyone can provide. Post script: I do intend to talk about all of this with her after I've analyzed it enough to understand what is going on in my brain so that I'm not laying undue stress on her. So no worries, communication is happening.
I mean, I have experienced a similar thing? Except it is a friend that gives me the soothing effect. It hasn't caused me any issues thus far. My recommendation: try journaling or marking down a) your general anxiety levels b) your anxiety levels when she is not around and c) your anxiety levels when she is around. Do this over a month or so? If A anxiety improves and B anxiety and C anxiety do not get further and further apart, I think you should be fine. If B and C anxiety get polarized(I think that is the word for it?) then I think there is a legitimate concern for unhealthy habits to form. Also the talking to her will help cuz she can try and help keep an eye on it and watch out for warning signs as well.
It's also nice to try to figure out what kind of stuff happens around her that reduces anxiety, and if there's maybe any of that which can carry over into your alone time. For example, I used to have this best friend (still my friend, but he lives abroad now) whose place I loved to crash because we'd just make food and play videogames and chat all day and I wouldn't feel anxious about doing that... whereas if I was at home and didn't do anything "productive" all day I would just freak out. So I started journaling and trying to find ways to make this feeling of "I'm just having a good time, no urgency, no obligations, it's OK that I took the day off just to have fun and goof around" into other moments of my life, making that a beneficial relationship for me.
I think a lot of it's just your brain being mean and finding things to freak out about. You haven't had a lot of good experiences with relationships. But also look at what you yourself said are your worries: things happening in future. Not the stuff happening now. So I think the journaling is good, but also chill out. Nothing is bad right now. Your brain is telling you things might be bad in future. Your brain can't know that for sure, and so it's probably better to try and not only chill, but to try to train your brain out of always expecting the other shoe to drop.
