Just looking for someone else's opinion on this, because I'm stuck in the middle of it and so don't even know what I think anymore.... Basically, partner feels like I don't care for various reasons, I know I do care and have agreed to try to do the things that make him feel cared about because I do care about him. He still feels hopeless about it ever changing, even though I feel like I've made strides. (Being demonstrative is difficult for me, regardless of relationship, unless it's about pretty trivial stuff.) His point of view: Being considerate comes from a certain feeling (I guess loving a person in this case) and caring, considerate actions naturally arise from that feeling (with the implication being that I don't feel it, because otherwise I'd be performing those actions - at least, that's how I feel he feels when he brings it up). If I don't do the actions that he considers the natural result of loving someone, then I must not love them. My point of view: I do feel that way (loving him) and I'm trying to do the things he says make him feel more cared-about because he has asked me to do them and I want him to feel cared-about. But having, like, to do certain actions to demonstrate love/affection/consideration just feels off to me. Like I have to conform to some ideal of Good Relationship and if I don't in any regard, then he feels unloved. Then I feel bad and terrible and guilty for not being good enough and I don't know. Words are hard and I've probably done a really bad job of describing things but I'd just really like some insight from the outside regarding this because I'm just a ball of bad feelings over it.
Ancient Guardian has this way of thinking about love. You love a person. You want them to be happy. So you do what you can to make them happy. You do what you do. The caveat is that to make them happy you cannot make demands of them. To love someone does not mean they make demonstrations of love back to you. You love them whether they do or not. Love is not a bargain. You give and show what you can to the person you love without any expectation of recompense. If there is a "I give you a kiss you must kiss me in return" idea then it isn't love, it's a business deal. That's probably harsher than most people think of it - but it is what it is. Each person shows love in the way that works for them. Ancient Guardian knows that for me to let him hug me is an act of love on my part, because being that close to a person is really hard for me. I will never initiate a hug and he knows and accepts that. He would prefer it be other, but his love for me accepts what I can give him. He does not demand that I offer hugs - that is not 'me giving love' that's just fulfilling a deal. I'm babbling, I think. Anyways - that is how our family has worked for 16 years and we are still a family. You give love, you don't demand it.
^Yeah It sounds like you guys might not be a good match. While the specifics are different, the tone of what you wrote reminds me of how I felt in an abusive relationship before I found out what it was.
Are you familiar with the "love language" model? Spoiler: Short version An individual has certain ways that they mainly use to show love and to feel loved; like I process touch/physical contact as affectionate and a little intimate, last romantic partner showed affection through giving little gifts and likewise felt loved when receiving little gifts If your partner isn't picking up on your love vibes, it may be that you are speaking different love languages. There are plenty of free questionnaires online to help you figure yourselves out (or simple charts that might help you recognize yourselves) and just knowing both of your love languages could be very beneficial in helping you know how to communicate with each other and how to recognize each other's shows of affection. Spoiler: For example My date offered to give me the sunglasses I had borrowed, and I turned down the offer because I have my own, I'd just left them home that day. Like an hour later I realized I had shot down their attempt to show me affection, so when we saw each other the next day I asked if the offer still stood because I had realized what a nice memento those sunglasses would make. My piggy bank is wearing them now. It could still be that you are incompatible at a deeper level or there are some unhealthy power demands happening, but it could be that when your partner understands you as well as you're trying to understand them, you may both feel an improvement.
