A friend reblogged this tumblr post and I was thinking about it and I nearly started crying. I can't reblog it to my tumblr or post about it under my username because my partner knows those, and if he saw, I'd have to reassure him and I'm just so tired. I just don't know how to separate out what's me actually doing too much emotional labor and what's being a supportive partner, and what's helping someone disabled. I don't know how much I'm blaming him for things he doesn't actually do, how much of my resentment is misdirected, how much I underestimate the labor he does in taking care of me. If I brought it up, he'd probably insist that it's at least proportionate, and if I argued with that, I'd get too angry and say something awful, and then spend the rest of the day trying to make up for it. (The things I say when I'm angry really are awful. My conscious mind kind of shuts down and I just say the thing I think will hurt the other person the most, and I'm usually pretty accurate.) But he was visiting, the past few weeks, and somehow my situation with my roommate went from quiet and distant but not unfriendly to intensely passive-aggressive while he was here. Because cleaning wasn't happening (even though roommate and I are both out all day and he was home), and it stressed roommate out. Then he got hurt that roommate didn't like him, and I had to come home to her being angry and stressed about cleanliness, and him being angry and stressed about her, and try to make sure we both got fed, without pressuring him to decide what we were going to eat, or make food when he felt less than well, or go to the store while I was out. I had a grad school exam about a week after he got here, and I bombed it, and, well, I have a pretty good idea of one of the things I did wrong. I love my partner. I love my relationship. I just can't keep doing this work, and I don't know how to bring it up, or even if I'm right about what's going on.
You might like reading the source for that post; the tumblr post actually took a small snip out of context. http://the-orbit.net/brutereason/2015/07/27/emotional-labor-what-it-is-and-how-to-do-it/ Specifically, this isn't "how men are" - those examples are what it looks like when there's an imbalance in emotional labor. This isn't fair or okay behavior. There's also some suggestions in the source for how to make things more balanced. From what you're saying, it sounds like this relationship is hurting you right now, and it needs to get better. You're really worried about whether you deserve to be hurt and upset, like somebody's going to say "wow, you're hurt by that? suck it up, everyone deals with that!". But that's not true. You deserve to express your feelings, and to be happy. This is not a "suck it up" situation; it's an unfair one, if you're not feeling supported, and like you can express your feelings and needs.
I don't know enough about your relationship to say whether or not it's actually a balanced amount of work between the two of you, but even if it is if this is causing you so much stress then that's a problem in and of itself. Maybe try phrasing it in terms of the effect on you, rather than his behavior? Like, "I've been feeling really tired lately, and I'm not sure I have the energy to keep up with everything I'm doing now. I'm so exhausted, and I don't want to wind up burning myself out. Do you think we can work out a schedule or a different system of what needs to get done so that it doesn't wind up being a strain?" And, well... Like I said, I don't know you in real life. But if you can't talk about your needs or emotions at all? That's a bad sign.
