Slightly lighter topic than my usual thread here but I'd still appreciate some advice. It may seem kind of cliche or needy, but my lack of success romantically (and indeed sexually) has been a bit of a bug in my ear for a while now. I've never been in a relationship, and whilst the reasons for this are kinda obvious (I'm a pimpled unfit nerd who spends most of his time in his bedroom, what a cliche I know), it still kinda gets to me, especially seeing as most of my peers (I'm 19) and indeed most of my younger friends have already been in multiple relationships. The majority of them were dating and having sex at around 16 (the age of consent here in merry old England) whereas I didn't even have my first kiss until about a year ago (from somebody who it turned out wasn't particularly interested in me after all); I have plenty of friends, both men and women, but it seems like next to nobody is ever attracted to me in any way more than that. It really doesn't help my self esteem, and I feel like I'm missing out on a big part of my life while my youth wastes away. Not to mention the fact that I have a high romantic and sexual drive, which makes it incredibly frustrating. The other week I got so desperate I literally briefly tried advertising on Craigslist - not a good idea I know, and it wasn't well received. What am I doing wrong? Is there any hope that I'll be able to find fulfillment, and preferably before I'm already middle aged? My friends seem to find partners every few months, am I really just that unnattractive? Be it in terms of either looks or personality. Thanks.
I feel you, buddy. I didn't lose my virginity, have a relationship or even get my first kiss till I was 21. You are definitely not 'that unattractive'; there'll be SOMEONE out there who's into you, I promise. I only started finding them when I went to university, because suddenly my pool of prospectives broadened dramatically and stopped being self-absorbed secondary-school teenagers. I have no real advice on how to attract them though because I fell ass-backwards into my only two relationships and have no idea if or when I'll ever get a third (no, self, crushing on someone who lives across the Atlantic and isn't even looking for relationships at all let alone long-distance ones doesn't count). It really, really doesn't make you a useless, unattractive person if you're slow off the mark with relationships, though I know that's hard as shit to internalise.
ditto. there honestly seems to be a component of sheer dumb luck. have you mentioned that you're looking to date to your friends? maybe one of them knows someone they think you'd hit it off with, or could at least tell you where they're meeting people (a club, a games night, something else) and seconding @TwoBrokenMirrors; it can be hard to make yourself believe, but it doesn't mean you're useless or unattractive
Believe me, my friends are well aware of the problem, although I haven't been able to solicit any useful advice from anyone, no matter how readily they seem to find partners themselves with a turnover rate that has me tearing my hair out. The surprise that I hear when I tell friends who are often a year or more younger than me that I've never been in a relationship (when they've inevitably been in two or three) is really, really shitty for me. Guys, I'm trying everything. I go out and socialize, I've tried dating apps and websites, I've tried begging my friends to set me up with someone but apparently I'm fucking undatable. What sucks more is the longer this go on and the more this bothers me, the more it seems to me that my temperament becomes unsuited to a relationship in the first place. My psyche is really weird right now, idk. But like my entire being is craving this. I need this to progress. Hhhh E: I've never even been on a single date, unless you count the time the only person who's ever shown interest in me dragged me around a fairground at a Homestuck meet, and it turned out later that she was just using me as a quick fix to get over her last real relationship. A week later she stopped talking to me, just completely blanked me. I had my first kiss with her and it meant nothing because according to other people I've talked to since "oh yeah she'll just make out with anyone".
Today, for the second time, and after I'd declined work so that my timetable would be free, somebody who had been totally up to meet after talking on a dating website blanked me after seeing a photograph of what my body actually looks like. I am so sick of not being good enough for people. Even the these people on dating websites who are often hardly the ideal type of person I'd be wanting to get involved with have standards that don't encompass me. I'm sick of pathetically lapping up scraps that people toss me online because I'm not good enough to sit at the "normal human relationships" table, and I hate knowing that nobody is ever going to want to invest any time in me. I hate my body and I hate my personality and I hate that if anybody ever does express any interest in me it will either be out of pity or for them settling for what is an obvious sub-standard. Other people have relationships as an important part of their lives that they can expect in order to be fulfilled, other people are actually valued by other people. I'm sick sick sick of it tbh. I am lonely and frustrated and it sucks and nobody cares, and I can't even feel right in feeling bad about it because it's just an example of entitlement as a white cis dude I mean come on. Anybody want to swap lives or have any gross indiscriminate former partners they could set on me because even a relationship that was absolute shithive hell would be preferable to being so inadequate that even all the bad folks out there can't be bothered to sink a claw into me. People warn me when I put myself so overtly out there because its unsafe, but the fact is that I am always safe because nobody with eyes or a brain wants to get anywhere close to me sexually or romantically.
@BlackholeKG First of all I want to say I am no relationship expert. I'm currently single myself - mainly for lack of trying and also for lack of tolerance in others - but I did want to give you advice as a 26 year old female who has had multiple relationships of varying success. Secondly I want to say that you really need to give yourself a break. I know this sounds stalker-ish but I was looking through the pics thread out of interest and you are not ugly. You aren't ugly in the slightest, so please have more confidence in yourself. One of the biggest turn offs for many people are guys who seem like they are desperate for a relationship. If you are looking for a relationship to complete you, or want a romantic partner more than anything else you're probably not going to find one. Not only is it not healthy but it's also a red flag for people to stay the hell away. Now, it doesn't mean the guy is a BAD guy but it does make people feel uneasy. You may not even realize you're doing it, but if you're feeling it then it's extending outward. Likewise, if you have little self-confidence in yourself it won't help you. It's really true what they say: confidence really is the most attractive quality. One of the best advice I ever received about dating is this: you have to love yourself before you can give love to someone else. You don't sound like you love yourself and I wish you would. Everyone deserves a chance at love, even if it's yourself. Don't worry about what age you're doing what compared to everyone else, either. They are not you, you are not them, and the only thing that is going to hurt your chances for a date more than not loving yourself is comparing yourself to everyone else and getting upset that you're "coming up short". That said, to help build your confidence you might have to make a change. I have been overweight all my life and I didn't start gaining confidence in myself until I started to go to the gym and changed my clothing style. But I wanted to make those changes for me, not because I wanted a date. If you make a change - even if it's a small one like a hair cut or making changes to get fit - it will cause a chain reaction to help you better yourself. I promise you that. Good luck in the dating pool dude, I hope this was helpful.
Seriously. Every single relationship I've been in is sheer fuckin dumb luck that I met the people in general, and we liked each other back. Relationships are honestly super fuckin just "right place, right time." THIS!!!! I have noticed from watching you talk on skype and on here. And it absolutely sets people on edge. You're desperate, and it reflects in every time you talk about others and relationships. It's uncomfortable, and it DOES show to others. This is a hard thing to try to stop doing, I would know, I've been there too! But when you stop caring about trying to force yourself into a relationship, people will absolutely feel more comfortable and less awkward. You don't even have to mention to a person that you're desperate for a relationship, because you've never had one, and sometimes people will still pick up on it. It's just one of those things a lot of people seem to notice. (Even myself, as a sperg, seem to notice this one. It's a miracle!! /comic dersiviness towards own social ills) Also apologies if it's harsh, but this is one thing people ABSOLUTELY DO NOTICE and feel uncomfortable with very often on dates and when meeting. Desperation is suck. All around. For everyone. Sometimes it totally is better to focus on yourself, learning to be more confident, and just trying to enjoy yourself when in groups, instead of being on the hunt for a partner. This one I find as a more "your mileage may vary" I'm depressed, I don't love myself. But being more AT EASE with being yourself can indeed help. *points back at the confidence thing already mentioned*
Oh, lordy, sorry if the way I've been talking about this stuff in the skype chats has ever made anyone uncomfortable or on edge. I don't mean to talk about this that much at all really but it always seems to pour out of me when I'm not looking. Really sorry about that, if anybody ever doesn't like the way I'm speaking about a thing please don't hesitate to set me straight or straight up tell me to be quiet! Other people's comfort is what I value more here and sometimes I might be bad with that I don't know... sorry. Anyway, thank you for the advice. both of you. I'm not sure exactly how/to what extent I can change the way I feel about this, but I suppose I can try. I know that my current attitude is probably counterproductive but... god, it's really hard to change the way I feel.
One of the scariest things to do in life is making a change, even for the better, no matter your attitude so don't feel down on that. It also helps to ask a friend to make a change with you.
@BlackholeKG I would say that you should force yourself out of your comfort zone and go to a big convention (anime or comic). You'll meet people outside your circle, and you'll hopefully be distracted enough from your relationship trouble by the mayhem that your desperation won't show through. Just focus on having fun and meeting people. Cosplay, go to the Rave, find the glomp circle, play spin the bottle, flirt in character, people watch in the hallways- you'll at the very least have 10 or so potiential friendships to pursue by the end.
I've tried that. Not only is it something I'm bad at - and I think that most people in my local meets community have picked up on the fact that I'm a) awkward to be around and b) unable to integrate into the regular fandom meets to sustain friendships owing to me working every Saturday, effectively preventing me making very many proper friendships whatsoever in fandom contexts, but considering that I'm a Homestuck fan and that the average member of a Homestuck meet these days is often several years younger than me doing this would actually arguably be slightly creepy.
@BlackholeKG What about a big regional con? You'll get to meet people from all over the place, and not just your local area. I agree that many of the homestuck fans that go to local meetups are teenagers, but that's because many of the adults are in the same boat as you - they have jobs on the weekend. Cons, on the other hand, are something that older folks will plan around. You'll run into many more people in their twenties. You might try expanding your interests? I don't know you personally well, but I've seen you around. Is there a gaming community in your city? Portland (Oregon, USA) has a big freeform/indie rp gaming community that has at least one event night every week. It's a great place to meet fellow nerds who are a little more on the mature side. If there's a community like that nearby, I think it would be a good fit for you. There's a bunch of different kinds of awkward, but most of them are things that you can work on. Heck, your version of awkward is someone else's version of 'just fine' or even 'charming'. I think you should try to put yourself out there more and meet people with common interests outside your current friend circle.
