Anyone else want to scream internally when people ask if you've got a job yet? Like, I don't even know what happened. As a teenager I used to be very enthusiastic and optimistic about getting a job, but after getting my degree all my enthusiasm and motivation have been sucked out of me like air out of a rapidly deflating balloon, minus fart noises. I'm scared shitless about dedicating a vast portion of my life to some activity that will make me a zombie who's always too drained to work on anything creative and actually interesting to me. I'm scared about how my life will become an endless cycle of work-sleep-work-sleep-work-sleep-work until I die, and honestly if that happens I'd rather die sooner or later because life without creating my own things and letting people enjoy them is meaningless. I'm scared because I've seen this happen to people who have more energy than I do, and when they lose interest in creating things they just laugh it off as "finally growing up". But I'm also scared about not being able to support myself and never, ever getting out of this house, and being a burden and feeling like failure, because I can't even think about my CV and obligatory visits to the job center without the feeling of impending doom hanging over me. Why even improve my CV? Why even bother? I can't even present myself convincingly at a job interview, because my brain screams "LIES! LIES! LIES! LIES!"every time I try to pretend to be a decent candidate. Then I get friends who call me lazy for not getting a job yet and when I try to say that no, I'm not, it's not as simple as it is, they respond with "but you ARE lazy". And a part of me thinks, yeah, they're right. I'm a lazy piece of shit who will end up an old beggar who haven't worked a "real job" an hour of their life. And the other part of me wants to slap them silly and cry, because I trusted them. They were my friend, and I just discovered that actually, genuinely helping me is not in their interest. It's like the revelation about my dad once again. I don't know anything anymore. I'm tired.
witnessed. i feel you so much on this, especially the fear of life becoming a dull cycle where you can't enjoy the things you actually enjoy doing because job sucks all the energy out of you. the job thing is scary as fuck, but if something makes you feel totally drained, that is probably a sign that is not the thing to dedicate a vast portion of your life to. i don't know if it helps any, but i'm just now getting out of two-and-a-half years at a job i dreaded waking up for, and i'm pretty sure now that i shouldn't have stayed there that long. some people at that job have been there for years, and plan to remain there for years more. they're totally happy there; i was miserable, because it was an awful fit for me. doesn't mean every job is fated to be that way! and some jobs will probably not be permanent ones, just stepping stones, little temporary things until something better happens. also, it was helpful for me to use spare time at work to be creative; i bought a small sketchbook, brought it to work, and doodled things on my lunch break. it was a nice bright spot to look forward to during the day, and actually, i've ended up drawing MORE over the course of my time at that job. also, your friends are making things so much harder for you and i'm frowning at them via the internet.
Those are some pretty lousy friends. If you can, tell them to knock it off; if they don't/won't or you can't get yourself to ask them, I suggest spending more of your time with friends who don't do that. Jobs...well, I feel/have felt the same at times. Happily, as sicklyprince said, not all jobs are going to be terrible or make you feel awful. The ornithology lab work I had was great; the two jobs I have now are okay, but they're not my long-term plan at all, so they suffice. Again: stepping stones. Plus, while work can be draining, one really nice thing about work as opposed to school is that you (for the most part) leave it there when you leave for the day. In school, you have to use your "free" time on studying/hw, but with jobs, you're usually just done and free when you leave at the end of the day. You may have more time than you think.
