So, am I just super shallow? Coming to terms with relationship issues.

So, my boyfriend and I have this recurring issue where something will inconvenience or otherwise disappoint me, mildly more often than majorly, and he'll get really mad at himself. This, in turn, makes me genuinely upset, which makes him more mad at himself for causing me discomfort, at which point I get upset with myself for making things worse, and we fall into a vicious cycle of self-hatred. This has been going on for a long time and we've been trying to find solutions, but haven't been making much progress. this isn't the main issue i want advice on, but if you have any to share it would be appreciated.

So, an instance of that happened recently, and after we spent too much time being mad at ourselves over text, we got together in person to talk things out. during our talk, my boyfriend asked me whether or not i really thought all the hardship we go through is worth it. Well, he didn't phrase it like that, he asked me why i expend all this energy on being in a relationship with him and if i thought that the brief moments of happiness were worth the hardships. He asked me to come up with reasons I want to keep our relationship going, and what things he offers as a boyfriend that he can't give as just a regular friend.

My big issue is this; while I was analyzing my feelings, I came to an upsetting realization: I don't know how to function outside of a relationship anymore. I went from totally hating myself from middle school to the beginning of high school, believing that no one could possibly be romantically drawn to me because I was a reprehensible human being, to not being outside of a relationship for more than a few months at a time. Those stretches of being single were absolutely miserable, because I was led to believe that the breakup was my fault. The sadness only stopped when a new relationship started. Am I in a really unhealthy place of needing constant validation that I am in fact desirable? How do I tell this stuff to my bf without having it overshadow all the other things about our relationship? I feel really awful for being like this and I don't know what to do.

EDIT: I want to make it really clear that the both of us are really trying to make things work, this isn't a one-sided thing

 

No advice to offer as of now, but witnessed.

 

Spoiler: tangent in response to your secondary concern, because you've already thought of everything I thought of on your primary concern

I really sympathize with you on the “Person A Is Mildly Annoyed By Something And Mentions It To Person B” / “Person B Freaks Out Forever” dance. My partner and I do that too; I’m person B.

I don’t intend to suggest anything about your specific situation, but for us, the issue is that we have mismatched brain settings for what’s important enough to actually talk about. I’m fairly quiet, but my partner is way more extroverted. I almost never mention things that annoy me unless it’s something I need to be different and I want their help, otherwise I don’t see the point in talking about some vague passing annoyance I’ll have forgotten about in a week anyway. They like discussing things with me because having someone to talk to helps them organize their ideas and thoughts.

So what happens is: they tell me about something that happened that was slightly annoying because they like sharing with me and it helps them think. To me this comes across as “This Thing Is Terrible And I Need It Changed Right Now,” because that’s what it would mean if I was talking to them about it. So then my response is “Oh No Gotta Fix The Thing I Am Sorry I Upset You So Badly” and they’re all “??? What Is Going On What Did I Do” and then hopefully an hour later we look at each other sheepishly and say, “So... That Sure Happened Again.” We’ve been together a long time and I think we’re stuck with this weird little dance - I don’t know how to be less introverted, they don't know how to be less extroverted - but it helps rather a lot that we know why it keeps happening and we can roll our eyes and laugh at ourselves about it afterward.

So you and your boyfriend have my sympathy. No helpful advice (“if you stay together it might eventually be kinda funny” is literally the least useful advice it is possible to give), but excavator loads of understanding and sympathy.

I'm hoping you just threw in the "Am I just super shallow?" bit as black humor, but in case you didn't: nope. Your post is thoughtful and careful and not at all what I'd call shallow.

 

Hrm. That's kind of a tough one. Here's a question: are either of you in therapy? It sounds like you both have some self-worth issues, and as much as part of being in a relationship is supporting one another through these things, when it comes to things like 'how can you possibly love me?' or 'am I really worth being in a relationship with?', the amount of emotional labour that puts on the other person is immense. Even if you can't go to therapy-therapy, talking things out with people who aren't each other can give you a better perspective.

You've got my sympathy, too; @a tiny mushroom (tagging her in case she has anything to add) and I do this dance, less often than we used to, but still occasionally. Alas, brainbugs.

 

I'm in and out of therapy whenever my depression gets really bad, but he can't afford to go anywhere at the moment, and he adamantly refuses financial help from anyone, especially me.

 

Have you tried saying "this isn't a big deal but..." to qualify that what you are talking about is not something you are super upset by? It might help him not feel like he is being really annoying or inconvenient. I know little stuff like that can go along way with me so maybe that will help?

And I have totally had the "why bother being with me" talk started from both ends of my relationship. It can be a taxing conversation to have often.

As far as the not being sure how to function outside of a relationship, in my experience it isn't abnormal. A lot of people hop from relationship to relationship and find it difficult to be alone. I dunno about unhealthy tho, it sounds like maybe you just felt bad about yourself because you thought you were the cause of all those breakups? It's hard to say since I don't know you, but you aren't necessarily in an unhealthy state right now if that helps.

 

Yeah, I've tried telling him when things aren't a big deal, but he seems to view any discomfort on my part as proof that he is in fact a Bad Boyfriend. He definitely needs to get things sorted with a professional, but it's not really an option at the moment.

I suppose I have another question for people in relationships then: is there something about your partner that they can only offer as a romantic partner instead of just as a friend? Other than like, sex things I guess.

 

Agh, the financial thing sucks. :(

As for your questions...I mean, 'romantic love' would be the big one. Having one person you can totally be yourself around, who you can support and who will support you unconditionally, who makes you smile just thinking about them...I dunno. Technically it's nothing a friend can't do, but...There's something else that's hard to quantify. And, it's not really about what he can give you, if that makes sense? It's about how you feel about one another. That can be hard for someone in the throes of self-loathing to understand, though... One of my strategies is to keep a list of little things you love about your partner to rattle off when they ask that kind of question. That keeps them diverted long enough to hopefully shake them out of their funk. (This assuming you're not in a funk yourself, of course.)

Eta: and yeah, it's not necessarily unhealthy. I would find it difficult to function without Mushroom, but then, I suspect my parents would find it difficult to function without each other, too. Humans generally like to group up.

 

Ah okay, that is a little more difficult to work around. I'm not sure what other advice to give you on that front sorry :(

But as far as what I get from my relationship. It's like, when we were just friends it was frustrating because for us, there were romantic things we wanted with each other but were not comfortable engaging in given that our relationship was not a romantic one. It may just be a me thing but if I'm not in a romantic relationship my brain says that romantic things are off limits. So like, certain levels of sharing and certain physical affection things are offlimits for non partners for me. I feel a sense of calm and safety with my bf that I have because he is my bf and was not present when we were just friends. I tend to be calmer and more contained when in a relationship because I have someone to take care of and who takes care of me. It can be different for different relationships tho. So it's hard to pin point.

 

Thank you guys so much for your advice, this will make things so much easier to articulate to him.

 

So, had the Big Scary Talk with my boyfriend, things went pretty well! I think we understand each other a bit better now, and we're gonna continue to try and make progress with stuff. Thank you guys again!

 

Aw, I'm really glad to hear that. It might be a bumpy road, but it sounds like you guys are gonna get through it.

 

Hooray big scary talk going well. That's great news.

 

That's good! Best of luck to you both, I'm sure you can work through the tough stuff!!