[Tw for suicide/suicidal ideation discussion] Uggghhhh So around this time of year my brain always goes haywire and my OCD kicks in. My OCD is the scrupulosity kind, so basically it's 'everything you've ever done bad that means you can never redeem yourself and will never be worthy of love or acceptance ever' playing through my head all the time. Then I fall into this shitty downward spiral where I struggle with the fact that the only good thing I can do for the world is commit suicide. A part of me knows that there's something wrong with this logic. Like, I have people who care about me and who I do think would miss me if I died. But then OCD-brain replies with 'well yes sure they'd like the you that you present to them, BUT if they knew every bad thing you'd ever done they wouldn't love you anymore and would be grateful you died.' So then we're back at square one. I lucked out last year and nearly got into a car accident but was okay by just about a foot of space and that kind of reaffirmed that yes, I want to be alive and maybe my thoughts were just a mess. But I'm hoping to avoid almost getting seriously injured this time around. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with this shit? Basically I've been keeping my head down playing around on my DS (because that helps keep me calm) but unfortunately that's just a band-aid solution. If anyone wants to share their personal experiences with the holiday season or anything like that feel perfectly free.
This sounds like seasonal affective disorder! I've got it, myself, and it's hell to deal with. :( I only really know how to deal with the winter variety - if you're in the southern hemisphere, the usual tips won't be very helpful. But if you aren't - Phototherapy seems to be The Thing to treat SAD, insofar as anyone knows how to treat it. It's basically sitting in front of a very bright artificial light (usually light boxes are the thing) for 20 minutes to an hour a day, soon after you get up. It's a pain in ass to fit in, and the light boxes can be pretty expensive, but they are worth it. I've noticed that just getting out into unfiltered daylight for at least a solid half an hour every day (even when it's gross weather out) helps a ton. If you can get that half an hour in as a walk (depending of course on your level of mobility and any other exercise you may get in) that helps a lot as well - I know I have a lot of trouble getting enough exercise in the winter, and that contributes a lot to my mental state going all to hell. Hell, just making sure I'm in well-lit spaces as often as possible helps. It also helps me a lot to try my best to be diurnal. It's damn hard when the mornings are dark - I really seem to need some sort of light cue to really start waking up properly, and I've already slipped up a ton. >_< If you have trouble with waking and have any way to have a light on a timer and dimmer switch so it will slowly light up in the hour before you wake, that can help a ton. (There are clocks that have this function automatically, but again - expensive.) I've also noticed my craving for sugary and starchy things goes way up during the winter, in a way that has nothing to do with the holidays or guilt or anything. I think it's because refined carbs can give a big but very temporary boost to serotonin levels - but then I end up feeling even more like crap because I've mostly eaten refined carbs and my body is like "WHERE IS THE PROTIEN. WHERE ARE MY VITAMINS." If you get that, recognizing it for what it might be (your body's attempt to self-medicate) helps to resist the urge in favor of food that helps your body function properly, because then it isn't about guilt. All of this can be a giant and time-consuming pain in the ass to implement, but it's worth it to keep those awful suicidal feelings at bay. And like, feel free to commiserate and ask for sympathy and stuff - knowing I'm not alone in dealing with this brain bullshit has been a thing that's really helped me, so it might help you too.
Huh, I didn't think it was SAD because my OCD kicks in before the depression. Does that still mean it's SAD? Luckily I have access to a phototherapy light for the next three weeks. Unfortunately I tend towards eating a lot of carbs and and sugary things anyways, which I know is bad, and I'm trying to fix it, so hopefully I stay on track! I reallllyyy enjoy walking, so when I have time I'll walk for an hour every day. I've been walking indoors lately though. I'll make an effort to stay out a little bit more! Thank you for your reply! I hope you're doing alright this time of year. Holidays are so rough :c
I'd guess so, considering it happens every year around the same time and is a precursor to depression. Like, for me, I initially start feeling more introverted than usual, perseverate hard on one or two video games, am more prone to crankiness, and am generally low energy - the depression aspect of it isn't noticeable until later. It sounds like you're on the right track with doing what you can! And I hear you on the carbs and sugar - I love them, but they don't really love me in the amounts I love them in. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not punishing myself by not eating as much of them as I want, I'm deciding not to make the tradeoff to eat lots of them at the cost of feeling like crap. It mostly works, so long as I can keep myself from thinking of it as any sort of a diet. >_< Seriously. :( Thanks for asking - I've been holding on, but my sleep schedule has gone to hell and today SAD really kicked me in the head. I think it pounced because I had to stay indoors for four days recently because I was sick... in retrospect I realize I should have bundled up and sat on the porch for half an hour every day despite being ill. Oh well. :( At least I see my therapist in a few days, and I can ask her if there's any way to get any sort of insurance reimbursement for one of those light alarm clocks, since staying diurnal is important for me health-wise for a whole bunch of reasons.
One thing I found (and I don't know if this is the case for you, so the suggestion may not be relevant) in terms of the sugars and carbs is that I often turn to them when I'm low on spoons because they're so easy to find and eat. I've started buying the soup that comes in those containers you can just put in the microwave and drink from. They're extremely low spoon. And they come in tomato soup, which I really love. Also I hope that you can get some reimbursement! I hope you're feeling better from having been sick.
That's a REALLY good point. I've been doing pretty well lately with feeding myself, but that's a really useful way to think about it that makes it easier to plan for. I'm feeling back to normal now, thank you! It was just a really mild thing that I get annoyingly often - weak and tired like the initial days of a cold, but so mild that the snot phase doesn't happen and I get better within a week.
I have a thing with sugar and to a much lesser degree carbs. It's possible that it's just low blood sugar, but when I can't function but don't have any other choice, drinking a soda is like an immediate +2 to my spoon level, to the point that sometimes afterwards I can't remember why I thought cooking / leaving the house /showering sounded so difficult. I also comfort eat for anxiety and depression (and then don't eat for ages afterwards because I freak out about it >.< ) but a huuuuge help has been keeping a cabbage in the fridge. I just slice up a massive pile of cabbage and microwave it for 3 minutes. You can eat as much cabbage as you want without feeling bad, so already that's 2 problems down, plus I'm sure the vitamins don't hurt. It's kind of sad how much cabbage has improved my life, but it's a Seriously Helpful Thing. Also make sure you're not sick! I went to the doctor last winter because I got a sore throat (bless insurance) and just couldn't handle that extra thing. I was having fantasies driving home about just steering the car off the road and not having to deal with anything anymore. Turns out I had mono, strep throat, my blood sugar was 57 and my vitamin D was 12. Anti-biotics, lots of cheese and some vitamin D tablets, and a week later I was back to work and felt pretty darn fine. Hang in there and take care of yourself :)
i'm sorry if this is not helpful at all but cabbage has pretty much no vitamins at all and i wanted to mention it because its such a terrible myth. cabbage is mostly just fibre fibre and more fibre.
@LilacMercenary: I can usually tell if my sugar is low and I haven't gotten into the danger spiral recently. I didn't know about the cabbage tip though! I have to go shopping soon, so I'll see if we have any decent-looking heads! Thanks for the tip! I am sick right now, but I'm being treated so that helps. I actually don't get sick very often, and since I have a history of depression and OCD (x2 winning combo!) So I think some of it is just an unfortunate downturn brought about by the time of year. The fact that I'm still waiting to get better from this stupid respiratory-whatever and icky eye problem isn't helping, but thankfully like I said I have medicine for both now.
