It is way too early in the morning and I haven't slept and words from me are no good after a certain time because it deteriorates into something like drunk texting, but if I do not talk now I do not know when I will. Hopefully your phone notifications don't wake you up or anything. Gonna send this in bursts instead of one big thing so I don't lose my nerve. My mind is funny like that. And by funny I mean not at all, but anyway. Went to my therapist, I like her, she's really neat and helped me understand some things. I never told you much about what was going on with me because I felt ashamed of it but I'm going to tell you because every time I flake out and stop talking to you you take me back. Every time. And I don't know why I deserve that from you because I don't feel I've earned it with how I've treated you for years, but you are a very strong man and I am very grateful I have you. Had you. I don't even know what you'll choose after this. It's hard for me to type but I'm keeping my fingers moving even though I'm crying some. Depression's a bitch. There have been certain things that I've had to deal with when I was too young to need to worry about it so hard, and maybe my paren't divorce weakened my mind or something at the time because I couldn't brush it off or something, I'm not sure, but they were recurring worries that sort of implanted themselves into my psyche I guess. From what I can tell so far, they were money, school, and letting people down. I can't words very well right now, but well..instead of dealing with any of those like a normal person might, as soon as there is something even slightly going wrong with one of those, I just drop it completely and let the problem fester. Not so much money (instead of ignoring that I just get triggered into awesome little day-or-two-long 'oh gods I'm such a little ungrateful fuck who wastes money oh shit and everyone else has had a part time job at least and I haven't done a thing practically and if you think about it long enough, EVERY PROBLEM I'VE EVER HAD CAN BE DIRECTLY TRACED BACK TO A POOR DECISION ON MY PART' because again, depression is a bitch and when she really has a hold on you logic doesn't exist anymore.), but school and relationships/people in general? Yes. I hope this doesn't turn out to be me shoving my problems at you again, i can't fucking tell right now because depression-brain dislikes sense-making and focuses on everything that can go bad ever unless I am properly distracted. I kind of feel like a mess but I'm going to keep going so you have something at least other than vague shit and silence Shoot where was I. I got up to use the restroom and blow my nose and now my mind is blank. Another reason I can barely explain things to people ever. Or write. Or rp. Or do school work. See that stuff, that's why i don't like talking about it it sounds like whining, bluh. So anyway yeah. I lost about 80 percent of my processing power out of nowhere so you get the short version for the next bit, sorry Mykee. Or maybe I'll be able to squirt out something decent. My brain is full of who-knows nowadays. So, school wise is easy enough-ish, I start falling behind, and instead of asking for help or tutoring or more time, I just pretend it doesn't really exist. I mean. I know it exists but I put it behind a wall? like those things at banks or when you get tickets sometimes. It's 'not there' but i can still see and hear stuff. That's probably and awful metaphor, I'm good at those. So I stop doing the assignments I have trouble with until the threat of the end of the quarter or semester rears it's head and I go into super Brie make-up-work-queen mode and save my ass. That doesn't work as well in college incidentally. Or, i probably does if I asked anyone about it or for help. Somehow my brain thinks asking for help is something I'm not allowed to do because no one has time for little old me, shut up and solve your own problems. I took that advice for months. It left me with most of my classes dropped and with barely enough energy to do laundry or leave my room to get food. Hence why listening to depression is not a good idea Kind of hard when you've had it with you since you were like, twelve or something though. I'm getting 'he doesn't want to hear this what the hell shut up and apologize' voices in my head again. I'm not going to stop just yet but I will apologize I guess. I don't know if it's needed tho. I don't actually feel like I know much social stuff anymore XD that was a sarcastic smiley kind of. i like smileys so i sprinkle them all over the damn place. look at those stupid happy looking upper case letters. I'm so happy they're happy. at least someone is XD oh god depression brains are weird. especially sleepy depression brains. Sorry. Imma get back to informative stuff again After i go back and read everything I've already sent and worry about it and shiver for a while even though i'm wearing a sweater, of course. Not that i'm cold, nerves-shivers back to words, brie mkay. so I dunno. People are hard. Really fucking hard. I mean, I know they aren't hard, they are just people, but it's hard for me to be around them? Depression does make people more irritable apparently. My moods are all over the place. So I never want to meet new people and I don't really talk to family or friends because my friends all have lives and what am I going to tell them about, my various accomplishments? hey, I did two loads of laundry today, but I didn't fold them i just shoved them in my closet but look clean clothes, and i managed to wake up before two in the afternoon, righteous. oh, how are my classes? hahahahahah let my go real quiet out of nowhere and whoops, where'd the time go i haven't talked to you in two days. and now four days. and now a couple weeks. oh we haven't communicated since graduation, well you seem to be doing okay from what I see on Facebook, so I'm happy for you. x.x And you. well. I never know what to say to you. I don't /do/ much of anything and what i do do i don't really want to bring up because i didn't want you to worry or feel like you were dating like, some super flawed person with problems except, never mind, I ignore my boyfriend for weeks or months at a time and make him worry about me and also probably thing he did something wrong, awesome, I am the best abusive little thing. ugh idk deteriorating into yelling at myself now. hope you read this and it doesn't hurt too much because i don't want to hurt you (any more at least) but it does hurt to hear this stuff about someone. bleh. gonna go brush my teeth and drag myself to bed. mind went blank again danger *dangit my autocorrect is a poop um. not done yet tho. was gonna say something else, forgot it. might as well put the last bit tho even tho i'm real nervous and..nyeh. anyway. gonna type it. So. My family knows about you. Word spread quick after my grandma found out i guess. They're all really excited and want to meet you someday, according to her. That would be awesome even though i don't feel like i deserve you anymore and you should find someone else or something idk shut up brain um. fuck. words. where you go. oh yeah. so. it would be awesome. if you could meet them. I could probably scrape some money together to help out, i also just. would love to finally meet you in general. and i do want to meet you family. i do. it's just i get scared because i feel like they just know me as this mysterious girl who's been yanking their boy's heart around. and that sucks. but. i hope you reply to this. if you don't reply cuz you don't wfi or something i'll try to text you. it sounds simple enough but nothings single anymore except breathing. there's more of the 'you're being dramatic shut up' feels. I KNOW BRAIN, YOU WANT TO GLORY IN MY SHAME AND SHIT, THAT'S NICE, NOW GO AWAY FOR A SEC I'M BUSY ahha. anyway i love you. and I am so sorry. and I'm gonna go sleep now. and try not to worry abut the apparently hundreds of ways this can go wrong so /that's/ where my creativity went. depression went and hijacked it. thanks, bitch, you're the best brain-roommate, seriously. and the Skype thing is because i find that easier to check than the PMs here. it dings at me when i get a message. and i know i could set that up on my phone or something but. x.x hope that isn't too bad. we could text too. and i'd like it if we could talk on the phone too. my therapist says i need phone or face to face discussion at least once a day and i'm like do i hasta that's so hard and i like typed out words they so simple she says no, words. meanie butt i do really like her though, she's helped a lot and i've only been to one meeting with her. nothing is really 'fixed' yet, that's going to take a long time, but i can sort of understand why certain things are so godawful for me now. so i can blame it on myself less. i know it isn't really my fault but it's so weird to think that way. anyway.. goodnight, Mykee, I'm going to get some rest. I hope you've been doing alright. :) love you
Wow, that was so brave. Im just. Super fucking impressed right now. I hope it goes well when he wakes up. :)
We talked this morning and he continues to be the most supportive guy ever and I am ridiculously lucky <3 we're gonna try to talk more often and find an online game to play together cuz we're nerrrrrrds
