I lost an uncle to suicide last year. I've suffered from major depressive episodes roughly every year since I was sixteen (am now twenty-six) and a couple of random ones before that. I was doing fine for most of last year, but I've suddenly plunged again over Christmas. I feel bad enough in myself, but add in the fact that I'm ashamed of feeling this way over a holiday and being unable to hide it when my family didn't need more stress, the resentment over my feeling like by killing himself he took that option away from me, and my shame over feeling that way, and I don't even know where to start. I don't want to want to die, but I feel like I'm never going to have a life where I won't just lose all my hard work to be happy over nothing at all on a regular cycle. This time it's irrational existential dread. I've been reading a bunch of complicated metaphysics shit in an attempt to calm myself and it just makes me a) more confused and b) burst into tears pretty much as soon as I put the book down :( On long-term medication for depression/anxiety/OCD but it's not helping right now. Counsellor has waiting list. I don't know what to do. All I really want to do is sleep.
(I'm going to go to bed now, I will not hurt myself. Just saying so nobody worries when I don't reply for a while. Time zone issues.)
Witnessed. I don't know that I have anything helpful to say, but I wanted you to know that I read it and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thanks. I feel crummy because that whole branch of the family's basically fallen off and there's nothing I can do, and I'm making things worse for my family by freaking out like this.
