Suicidal Friend [All the Trigger Warnings]

Edit on August 3 [re-edited on August 9]:

This thread started off as a vent space, but turned into a sanity check and journal type thing after my friend attempted suicide on July 28.

Not only does it have an obvious suicide tw, but starting from page 2 there are also tagged, spoilered mentions of the topics Medical Fuckery, Parental Bullshit, Gender Shit and Rape Mention. It should also be obvious, given the need for such tags, that this is a complex and fucked up situation.

Remember to put your oxygen mask on first.

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I've talked a bit about my friend Gui and how he's depressed and it feels so horrible to have no meaningful help to offer. I hear you all - and myself - going "listening to him and being there for him is helping", but... fuck that, you know. I don't like being limited to that, even if, rationally, I know that's pretty much all I can do. I want the thing that's killing my friend to get out of his brain before it kills my friend. And that's outside of my control.

I'm not asking for advice on what to do. I have zero illusions about magically curing people of brainwrong through The Power Of Friendship. I know this is a journey Gui will have to face himself and I'm aware of things I can, in practice, do to help a little. I just want witnesses to my very valid feelings of impotence and sorrow.

Like, yesterday he straight-up told me that the only thing he can do right now is try not to sink too low too fast, even though he is sinking. That currently he has no hope of getting better and no strenght to try. This is one of the kindest, smartest, most lively people I know, who cooks the best food I've ever eaten, who's always running around having new ideas and making plans, whose academic career is nothing to sniff at, who runs and swims every day, who is our DM and our natural friendleader. This guy is having these horrible feelings and no amount of loving and admiring and supporting him can make him not have them. This is not fair.

 

That is really really hard.

 

I know that feel. I'm sorry you and he are going through this.

 

And like - I know that I help. He's said himself that he knows he can count on me. He appreciates what I do for him, and even if he didn't, I'd still do it. But I know he feels all alone anyway, because he is alone in his own head and that's where the bad things really are.

He said last night how he's holding back on sending the final version of his thesis not because he'll miss his Master's Program - it was horrible for him and in a way one of the things that contributed to overwhelm him into the depressive spiral he's now at - but simply because it's the last bit of stability he has left. His roommate moved out and he's unemployed, paying his bills via the support of his parents and private tutoring. He said "Everyone's telling me to rest a bit, but I can't rest because I can't pay for food or rent".

I don't think moving back with his parents is an option - his mom is depressed and they'd only sink each other more - and neither me nor his boyfriend can help with housing. His boyfriend is unemployed and living with his parents while he finishes his doctorate. I have my own place, but I have 3 cats and he's allergic. Plus, I'm a very messy person and he hates even going into messy people's homes, let alone living there. This is not because he is a jerk, he actually feels ill and uncomfortable when things aren't neatly organized, it's brainweird and he can't help it. We would seriously drain each other's spoons trying and failing to keep my place to his standards on our own.

He's trying to get a scholarship abroad to do his doctorate. I think for a while he kinda saw that as something that could fix things - going away, discovering new things, going to a better university than ours, adventuring, having new opportunities. But he's also starting to realize that being left without his entire support system (friends, family, therapist, etc) in an entirely new place also has a really high chance to make his depression worsen.

I know this is dumb as fuck, but I keep wanting to see my friend happy again. I know depression has nothing to do with how good or bad your life is, but seriously, he has so much to live for. He's an intelligent person full of knowledge and skills surrounded by people who love him a lot, he's passionate and funny and charismatic, he literally can do anything he sets his mind to because he has lots of resources and tons of determination - except depression is stripping him of all of that. And I just want him to be safe. I know things will get better if he can just hold on and not give up.

Ugh.

 

Further ramblings:

This is someone who's been there for me through the toughest shit I've faced since I met him. His home was a safe harbor wjen I was struggling with anxiety, he and the rest of the DnD crew helped me feel safe in a way I never had before and I don't think any of them understand how much their presence helped me break out of abuse survivor patterns of behavior that I had when I met them. Gui supported me when I was having suicidal ideation some months ago, he listened to me on genderweird and was... I feel very stupid saying this, but he's like the older brother I never had. That's truly how I think of him.

Sidenote: I know perfectly well that what I'm doing in this thread is letting myself freak out more and more instead of taking a hold of my emotions. I know I'm working myself up and getting more and more upset, rather than less. I just... really need this. I can't flip out in meatspace, so I'm doing it here. These are feelings I've been successfully controlling for weeks now. I need this freakout, I really do.

 

Witnessing, and sympathy.

 

sympathy and offer for e-hugs :(

 

So. Today, I found out that Gui tried to kill himself last Tuesday. He told goodbye to his boyfriend (my friend Will) and locked him out of his apartment. Will called the cops, and 5 cops escorted Gui to a psych ward. He spent the night but it was apparently a horrible place and so he didn't consent to being committed. He's been under 24 hour surveillance at home and spending most of his timd at his parents'.

I'm there now with them. I'm spending the weekend here. It's a beautiful place and we had a really good night. We cooked and talked under the stars as we watched the blue moom.

It's surreal to think that rather than having this lovely night, I could now be deep in mourning and have lost someone so dear to me forever.

I have so many thoughts and feelings but I keep them to myself for now because my friend needs me. But I just - this is so horrifying. So horrible.

I'm too tired to be more eloquent but - I just want my friend alive.

 

Jesus Christ, wix. That sounds super scary and weird and...
*hugs*

 

*hugs*

 

Jesus, Wix, that's awful. I'm sending you lots of hugs, and a lot of love and get-well wishes for him.

 

I am attempting to send hugs and pizza through the internet, please stand by...

....

well, bad news is the pizza didn't make it.
excuse me while I go wipe down my monitor

 

*hugs*

 

*GIANT hugs*

 

lots of hugs from me too :( that sounds like a super scary situation

 

*hugs*

I am glad he has a friend like you and a boyfriend like that. And I am very glad his boyfriend called.

 

*hugs*