Supporting Your Gay Cousin Trapped In Conservative Christian Hell

im going back and fourth over where exactly this belongs- this whole Ordeal is a story that i'm hearing like, third-hand so i might be missing some details, but it's kinda fucking me up, and i would love advice on things i can do to help, living on the literal opposite side of the country.

basically, what had happened was, my grandparents (on my dad's side) are visiting us this week, and we were catching up as you do, and we found out that my aunt quit her job recently, because she's homeschooling my youngest cousin, who's 14. i think. and today, i guess, my parents were talking to my grandparents trying to find out what exactly was going on, and my grandma was being kinda vague about it, and then finally she admitted that my cousin came out recently? and instead of reacting to that news in any kind of sane way, at all, my aunt & uncle have decided that it is the Dreaded Public School that's making him gay (he was in theater, the horror), and so they took him out of school so he wouldn't be influenced by The Gays anymore, and i guess they're trying to enroll him in a Christian school, that'll fix him, and then my aunt can go back to work.

oh wait, i guess i should explain. so my dad's family is well... let's say, on the Conservative side of things, and my dad's not very close with them (because they are sanctimonious, hypocritical assholes). they live in Ohio and my dad tries super hard to not be anywhere near them for very long, so we only really see them once every couple years.

obviously my grandparents don't know that i am also a Dreaded Gay. and at least my mom basically called them the fuck out about it, she apparently said there's nothing wrong with him, and so what if he's gay, he's still your kid, you gotta love him anyway (go mommy) but-

like, i'm super worried about this kid!! i mean, i have been there!! i know how fucking terrifying it is to come out, worried that you're doing something Wrong and that your family, the people who are supposed to love you no matter what, aren't gonna love you anymore. but to have that actually happen? my parents didn't handle it the best either when i first came out, but at least they didn't try and isolate me from my support system and i just, i know that he needs an adult in his life who is not being insane about this, someone he can go to for support.

but i haven't seen/talked to this kid since he was like, 8? i know it's not really my place to be that support for him, esp. since he hasn't come out to me yet. but like, he's my family, and i want to be there for him!! i want him to know that he's not alone, and not everyone in his life is gonna try and fix him, because there's nothing to be fixed. i know that when i was that age, having an older family member i could go to for support would've helped me immensely.

like, apparently my grandma thinks that this is a demon influencing him towards The Gay. that is approximately the level of sanity we're dealing with here. what the hell can i do? how can i, A Gay Cousin, help my fellow Gay Cousin when i haven't talked to him in 5 years and i don't really know him that well? should i? aahhhhh

 

On a not serious note I went to Catholic school and it made me even gayer.

On a serious note I'm a gay cousin and my other cousin recently drunkenly confided in me that when i came out it helped her have some confidence to be like lol me too, so maybe if you're in a place to reach out and be like hey, jsyk i'm a big gay gaymo, so he knows he's not alone that might be a good idea! i dont see her that often tbh, but apparently it was nice to know? and if he DOES wanna reach out and talk he'll know he can.

 

Gay solidarity trumps not talking to each other for years. I honestly don't believe that talking to your cousin will be awkward if it's about offering support - he certainly seems to need it a lot right now.

And I'm seconding Sol, Catholic School Made Me Gayer

 

Thirding the Catholic school made me gayer.
I went to Catholic school for one year and that was the year I concretely realized I liked girls.

 

Definitely do it. Don't be put off if he's not immediately receptive - he may not want to talk to you about it, but it will still make a big difference that you reached out in the first place.

 

(i'm homeschooled and it made me gayer.)

he likely hasn't been exposed to many viewpoints other than "Demons are Behind Everything and Gays are Immoral" stuff, so it might also help if you point him towards some online resources/communities that are gay-affirming.

eta: here's some stuff about christianity and being gay that doesn't get too theologically/politically technical. (from a christian perspective, since i'm not sure if he would be comfortable with atheism/agnosticism)

https://www.queertheology.com/ok-gay-transgender-bisexual-christian-bible-clobber-passages/
http://www.reformationproject.org/a_brief_biblical_case
http://queergrace.com/resources/
http://mccchurch.org/files/2016/08/BibleandHomosexuality.pdf
http://mccchurch.org/files/2016/08/NotSinNotSick.pdf

 

thank you guys for help/encouragement, and esp for @cyborgism for those A+ resources

i guess my only question now is, like, how do the thing? i don't know if he's on facebook or not (my aunt is kind of... restrictive re: social media), i know that his older sisters are

hrmph

i have to think more about how to reach out with causing more drama/conflict

 

(you're welcome!)

he probably (hopefully) has an email and personal phone at least? maybe you could ask grandma/aunt when his birthday is, and then on his birthday ask for his phone number so that you could wish him a happy birthday! subtle way to get his contact info, nobody will suspect that you actually want to influce him towards The Gay!

and if his sisters are on fb, try looking thru their friends list to see if his name is there? (that's how i found my own Gay Cousins on fb.)

avoiding drama tips would probably be: if he does have a phone, don't make phonecalls on the topic of Gay, because someone could overhear him and he might get in trouble for being Influenced by The Gay Agenda. maybe see if you can find out how strict his parents are about internet usage, because if they have some kind of monitoring set up then he'd have to open resource links on library internet instead of at home.

whatever you do, you're doing a good. i've been in a place similar to his, and having family support like the kind you're trying to give would've been great. i hope things work out well for you & him!

 

If you know any of his interests, see if you can reach him by social media in a way that's unobtrusive by saying something like "Oh, hey, I found this neat ___ thing I wanted to show you...." and use that as an excuse to get to know him.

I would absolutely not try to lend support in any way that leaves a text record (sms, text, even email). It is frighteningly easy for parents to get access to even secret accounts. If he HAS a cell, having him call you when he feels like talking about it is probably best.