when i'm alone (or, more accurately, what my brain registers as 'unobserved'), i display symptoms of adhd and depression out the wazoo (executive function, racing pileup thoughts, constant boredom, and difficulty regulating emotions being the main kickers)... ...but when someone is observing what i'm doing in some way, all of that just up and disappears and my functioning ability goes through the roof? it's kind of hard to describe, but like... i can barely make myself write or feel interest in an idea for shit anymore unless it's a livewrite at which point i write like i'm starving, generate what later turn out to be my favorite ideas, and then lose interest again as soon as people aren't watching. or yesterday, when i was deep in nonfunctioning hell, i asked a friend if they minded me outlining to them what i needed to get done, and maybe making a suggestion if they had one for something i was stuck on. they agreed and i proceeded to rally my shit all the fuck up and get things out of the way i hadn't done for literal months, and the momentum carried me for the rest of the day even after they had to go take a nap. from, like, ten minutes of explicitly agreed witnessing/observation on their part before i was able to do it myself. or with emotional regulation, where i can't stop feeling an emotion about a thing until i explain it to someone so that they understand exactly what i'm upset about--them actually being involved in the problem isn't vital, as long as they understand it--but as soon as i'm convinced they do understand i'm completely fine. i can't even really enjoy most things without outside observation, which sucks because i tend to get interested in weird obscure stuff no one else likes and then i can't help but feel resentful when no one tries to get into it and share it with me, because then i legitimately just. can't enjoy it. i get stuck on one one-dimensional aspect of it that my brain doesn't want to let go of or move on from until somebody understands. just. i feel like i can't process thoughts or feelings or actions or anything without other people at least observing--just externalizing by writing/drawing out my feelings to myself helps a little but more often it doesnt work--and when they do my symptoms disappear almost magically, and i've been this way for as long as i can remember, and i just?????? the fuck is this???????? what???????????
It's also a thing that comes up sometimes with executive function issues - some people find that being around others or getting prompts from other people helps their executive function exist instead of die in a hole of doom.
