I have issues with communicating, sometimes. And I know by now that they can't possibly be normal, no matter how easy it would be to just up and decide that it's just a moral failing on my part, nothing to do anything about, just another failing to beat myself over the head with. Whatever. The other day at work someone asked me if I was "enjoying the heat", and I had no clue how to respond. It felt like no matter what I said I'd be lying, cause I don't know and I don't care? The heat's just a thing you have to deal with, yunno? There's no point in feeling a thing about it. So I don't think about how I feel about it. But I do feel things, yeah? I feel nice, like someone wrapped me up in a warm fuzzy blanket. I feel bad like someone doused me in soda and left me to dry all sticky. Sweat hurts my eyes and my mouth gets all wet and I don't like it, but I do like it, kinda and sometimes. So what do I say? What can I say that isn't a lie, in some way? I hate lying, I'm so bad at it, but I'm even worse at telling the truth and I hate it, I'm so stupid and I hate it. And it didn't even matter! I said "sure???" like the big stupid moron I am, and I don't think she even heard. She doesn't like it. Thinks the heat is sticky. Easy. It should be easy, why isn't it easy? This happens all the time, and I can't figure it out.
Well, there isn't a right answer, or much of a wrong answer either, you don't need to agree with her on the topic because it is more of an opening for her to discussion what she wants to talk about(which in this case is to complain about the heat I think). If it helps, here are some phrases I use for things I'm apathetic about: Eh, it's okay It is what it is I don't mind it It could be worse I don't know, what about you(what do you think)?(good deflection tactic if you really lack words) I don't pay it a lot of attention I like (whatever is relevant to the topic, in this case you could say the cold winter weather) better These are pretty noncomittal(which is how I roll) so they may not ping your truth/not-truth sensors too bad.
"Sure." Is my default answer to stuff like this, and usually works okay. My mom seems to think it's funny, or maybe a touch exasperating? She laughs a bit and shakes her head, so maybe a bit of both. But, yeah, it's not as big a deal as I keep making it out to be. I dunno why I keep freaking out over this kinda stuff. It feels shitty in the moment, but there's nothing to do about that, I don't think. Just gotta push through, I guess. It'll probably get easier with repetition, yeah?
I feel like that's one of those semi-rhetorical questions people throw out there in the same vein as "Having fun yet?" My fallback is a slightly sarcastic "oh of course!" to which the person chuckles and then tells people I have a sense of humor, or if I actually enjoy something "It's not bad, actually" works. If I want a comment to go away, a cheerfully sarcastic tone is a godsend because people automatically process it with a laugh and don't seem to really think about it too hard. Or maybe that's just me? It might be worth a try though
I hate small talk. I love discussing things which are important to me or the other person. If I get asked what I consider to be a stupid question (and the one you cited would qualify) I tend to just stare at the questioner with what I call my "What???" face, like I didn't understand the question. Rephrasing the question won't help you! Same face. Usually they give up and go away. This reduces the number of people who care to interact with me and allows me to cultivate the relationships I consider worthwhile. I don't care what people I don't care about think of me.
Okay, but if you hate small talk, how do you find out why the person is asking you stuff like that? Maybe it's because they'd want to talk to you but don't know what topic to start on? And if you make them feel like they're stupid for talking to you, isn't that fairly unkind? Or is it that you do not want people to talk to you at all? If I got a response like that from someone, I personally wouldn't want to discuss any important stuff with them at all. If they told me that "hey I don't do small talk well, but we can discuss stuff we did recently or whatever" that would go over better. It seems unnecessarily dismissive to me. I am all for discussing the meaning of life on the first meeting, but it's not like you can start out with that. And I don't recommend making it a requirement. Most people aren't comfortable with talking about that stuff right off the bat and requiring them to be able/willing to do is not fair. Small talk is a way to verify who the person you are talking to is. I use it as a way to get a read on a person, myself. A lot of this is context dependent, ofcourse. Apologies if I sound combative, I am just a bit appalled because something about this is pinging all my anxiety buttons.
A thing I had to learn about small talk is that it isn't useless - it's social lubricant. Sometimes it's used to ease into conversations, sometimes it's just a social thing that says "I am acknowledging you as a person!" It's also a skill you can intentionally learn if you didn't pick it up as you were going along (as a lot of us didn't)! Google is the best resource for that, but one tip I've found super useful when I don't know how to respond is to give a noncommittal answer and then turn the question back around to the asker, since people like to talk about themselves and may want to talk or complain a bit to a sympathetic ear. Like, in your example, it could go something like this: Co-worker: Enjoying the heat? You: Well, it is what it is/It's not my favorite/I'm trying to roll with it! How are you doing with it? Co-worker: *talks about how she doesn't like the heat* You: *sympathetic noises* From there, if they don't ask more questions or change the subject, you can turn that around into a deeper conversation that's on-topic, (like, "Hey, how do you find ways to stay cool in the heat? I do X and Y but they don't seem to really help"), or deeper conversation that switches topics (using a segue phrase like "Huh, that reminds me..."), or exiting the conversation if you don't have time/spoons/inclination to chat ("I sucks the heat is treating you poorly - I hope it doesn't last too long/you find a reprieve from it"). You don't have to wait for them to ask questions or change the subject - after you express sympathy/commisteration, you can take the lead if you want, especially if you need to exit the conversation. I still don't like it, especially with people I barely know, but now that I know what it's used for I don't feel nearly so awkward or resentful about it and can deal with it better. I hope this helps you out a little!
Mercury's post is very good. It is essentially the verbal equivalent of dogs sniffing each other's butts. They do it to figure out who the other dog is, we do it to figure out who the other person is and if they might be cool to hang with. Or simply to maintain a good working relationship, for example.
OK, I'll admit to slightly over-egging the pudding. I'm basically just a grumpy old man. I've done my share of chatting to strangers and I don't really want to play any more. I'll be quite happy to listen for a while to anyone but I will opt out if I get fed up. Sure, when I was younger I was more gregarious, now I'm happy with the people I know and care about. I go out, I have hobbies, I do stuff. You guys must be better aware than I am that the online world is different from real life. Here one can take part in a conversation or not without feeling obliged to make a contribution or nod ones head or say "mmm". I don't dislike the real world, I'm not antisocial. I use the word asocial, I'm simply not that interested. Unless, of course, I am.
Ah, that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying. I think the difference here is that you already have a support network so there's less need to do human butt-sniffing. :P
